Title:  Figuring It Out 
Author:  Tess
E-mail:  tnv099@aol.com
Distribution:  Please let me know where first
Spoilers:  Sein Und Zeit and Closure
Rating:  R
Content:  SAR
Keywords:  MSR
Disclaimer:  The characters contained herein belong to 
1013 and Fox.  Not mine.  Never will be.  
Summary:  Mulder seeks comfort from Scully

Figuring It Out
By:  Tess


He's sobbing as if his heart is breaking and I can't 
bear the thought that he feels so alone.  Crouching in 
front of him, I wrap my arms around him and draw his 
head to my breast.  He hesitates for only a second and 
then his arms are clamped around me and he hauls me up 
against him.  

"It's okay, Mulder," I whisper.  "You're going to be 
okay."  I thread my fingers through his hair and pitch 
my voice to a soothing murmur.  His tears are soaking 
through the blue silk of my blouse and as I rock him in 
my arms, I am overwhelmed by my need to protect him.  
To comfort him.  At last the flood of tears eases and I 
become aware of an uncomfortable cramping in my legs.  
I shift slightly and his arms clutch at me 
convulsively.  

"Shh." I feel a long, hitching shudder run through his 
body and I lower myself to my knees, moving between his 
spread legs.  My hands slide to his waist and then 
settle on the strong thighs clamped tightly around my 
torso.  Mulder lifts his head from my shoulder and I 
study his face.  Deep lines of exhaustion are etched on 
either side of his mouth.  His eyes are brimming with 
tears and one slips free to spill down his cheek where 
it sparkles brightly against his beard-stubbled jaw.  I 
surge up and rest my cheek against his.  My hands move 
in soothing circles over his back and I begin to 
breathe in slow, exaggerated breaths.  My chest rises 
and falls against his in a steady, deliberate rhythm 
and Mulder unconsciously begins to match his breathing 
to mine.  Beneath the hand that I have curled around 
his neck, I can feel his pulse slow as the first,
adrenaline-fed torrent of grief passes, leaving him 
limp and exhausted in my embrace.

We stay like that for minutes or hours and finally 
Mulder stirs.

"I'm sorry." He mops his face with the back of one 
hand.  His other arm is still wrapped around my back.  
I stand and run my hand over his head, pushing his hair 
off of his forehead.  

"Don't apologize."  I clasp his hands in mine and tug 
him to his feet.  "Come on."  I begin to walk toward 
Mulder's bedroom.

*********** 

Scully is pulling me through the apartment and I 
docilely follow her into the bedroom.  She guides me to 
the bed and I sit on the edge of the mattress.

"I'm not going to be able to sleep."  She steps closer 
and I spread my legs so that she can move between them.  
She curls her hand under my chin and lifts my face to 
hers.

"I know."  She squats down in front of me, mimicking 
our pose from only moments ago.  Her hands move and she 
quickly unlaces my sneakers, tugging them from my feet.  
"But you need to rest."  She places small hands on my 
shoulders and I let her push me down onto the mattress.  
I swing my legs up onto the bed and settle my head onto 
a pillow.

"Stay."  On the surface, the one word is a command.  
But Scully hears the plea and nods.  She shrugs out of 
her suit jacket and drapes it over a chair, kicking her 
shoes off and tucking them under the same chair.  She 
pads across the room in her bare feet and stretches out 
on the bed next to me.  She reaches back and turns the 
lamp down to its lowest setting and a warm, amber light 
spills over the bed.

"Close your eyes."  She moves near and her fingers 
begin to tunnel through my hair, stroking, soothing.  I 
am cold, so very cold.  I can feel the heat of her body 
and I burrow closer.  Her voice is a hushed murmur; a 
low and indistinct crooning.  A lullaby. I lift my face 
to her and she presses her lips to my forehead, brushes 
them across my still damp lashes.

"Sleep," she urges me.  Her warm, sweet breath washes 
over my face and I instinctively tilt my head, seeking 
her lips with my own.  Scully stiffens as our mouths 
make contact in this, our first kiss.  Then the fingers 
that were winnowing through my hair slide down to curl 
around the nape of my neck.  The tension leaves her body 
and her lips soften under mine as she returns my kiss.

I trail my fingers over the silky curve of her cheek 
and deepen the kiss.  As my tongue plunges into her 
mouth, my body strains toward hers.  Scully's fingers 
tug at the cotton of my gray T-shirt and she pulls it 
free of the waistband of my jeans.  Her hands slide 
under my shirt, kneading and caressing the muscles of 
my back.  I release the tiny buttons running down the 
front of Scully's silky shirt and push the gaping edges 
aside.  I tear my mouth from hers and look down.  Her 
breasts swell over the tops of her white, cotton bra.  
She sucks in a breath and holds it when I cup her 
breasts in my hands.  Our eyes meet and then her hands 
are pushing my T-shirt over my head and I am fighting 
with the tiny, plastic hook of her bra.  I yank her 
toward me, eager to feel her naked flesh against mine.  
The breath she was holding explodes from her lungs in a 
gasp when I crush her breasts against my chest.  I can 
feel her heart pounding against me.  Our mouths meet 
again and Scully moans when I thrust my tongue into her 
mouth.  Her hands slide up my back and clench in my 
hair and she holds on and opens herself to me.

I pull away from our kiss and look down again.  This 
time I cup her bare breast in my hand.  I watch the 
velvety tip harden when my thumb sweeps over it.  
Scully sucks in another breath and I can feel the 
tremor that ripples through her body.  I lower my head 
to her other breast and Scully's back bows off the bed 
with the first rasping lick of my tongue.  This nipple 
also tightens under my touch.  I draw the tip of her 
breast between my lips.  I am hungry - greedy for the 
taste of her.  I am frantic - desperately trying to forget -
to lose myself in her warmth and to leave the pain and 
loss behind me.

In the next instant we are tearing off the remainder of 
our clothes, flinging them away.  I cover her nude body 
with mine and crush her into the bedcovers.  Scully 
twines her arms around my neck and curls her legs 
around my waist.  Her eyes are wide open and inviting.  
I lose myself with the first thrust into her wet, 
welcoming body. I bury my grief in her hot, silky 
depths and in the tenderness of her kiss, I find 
release.  


************* 


I awaken to the sounds of the city coming to life.  The 
sun is brightening the morning sky.  I can hear a dog 
barking and water running through the pipes in the 
building as other tenants climbed into the shower and 
started their days.  A trash truck rumbles by and 
Mulder stirs.  His arm tightens around me and I stroke 
my fingers over the hand wrapped possessively around my 
breast.  I lay still, enjoying the peace of the moment 
and the pleasant ache in my limbs.  I know the exact 
moment when Mulder comes completely awake.  His body 
stiffens with surprise at finding me naked in his bed - 
much in the same manner in which I was shocked to find 
myself there when I awoke a short while earlier.  I 
know that memories of last night are flooding his brain 
and I wait for him to pull me closer and whisper a good 
morning in my ear.  Long moments pass and he doesn't 
move.  His body remains rigid behind mine and when he 
finally does move, it is to ease his hand away from my 
breast.

I roll over to face him.  "Good morning."  My smile is 
soft and shy.  "How are you?"  I reach up to push a 
lock of hair away from his forehead.  He pulls away 
from my touch and ducks his head - avoiding my touch; 
avoiding my eyes.

"Mulder?"  I'm stunned by his withdrawal.  "Are you... 
is everything okay?"  He sits up and pulls the sheet 
over his lap.

"Scully."  His voice is raspy and he clears his throat 
before continuing.  "Scully, last night..." His words 
trail off and I frown, trying to see into eyes that 
steadfastly refuse to look at me.  His cheeks are 
flushed and when he speaks again, his voice is nearly 
inaudible.

"Last night..." he begins again.  "I took advantage of 
you - of your friendship - of your..." He stops and 
shakes his head grimly.  "It's no excuse, but I was 
very - " I sit up, willing him to look at me.  "Last 
night should not have happened."  

I can't believe what I'm hearing.  There is a loud 
roaring in my head and through it, under it, I can 
still hear his voice.

"You are my best friend, Scully, and I care for you 
more than I've ever cared for anyone else in my life."  
His fingers are pleating the sheet covering his lap.  
"I took advantage of the friendship and comfort you 
were offering."  Mulder finally looks at me and his 
eyes sweep over my naked body.  He pushes a blanket 
toward me.  I am suddenly aware of my nudity and I 
clutch the covers in a late attempt at modesty.

"Mulder..." I reach toward him and he slides to the 
edge of the mattress, swinging his feet to the carpet.  
He lifts his jeans from the floor and steps into them.  
Tugging up the zipper, he stands and begins to prowl 
around the room.

"I won't pretend that I haven't imagined what it would 
be like to make love with you, Scully."  He begins to 
gather our scattered clothing from the floor.  "But it 
shouldn't have happened.  Not like this.  Not out of 
pity; not because you thought I needed comfort."  He 
scoops up my bra and panties and lays them on the bed 
with the rest of my clothing.  

"Mulder, no!"  I scramble to my knees in the center of 
the bed, still clutching the blanket to my breasts.  
"That's not how it - "

"We both need some time to think."  His voice is 
muffled as he tugs his T-shirt over his head.  He walks 
to the bathroom.  "You should go, Scully," he says 
quietly.  "I'll call you.  I promise."  The door closes 
behind him with a distinctive click.  I sink back onto 
my heels, stunned.  The past few days have been one 
shock after another.  Slowly I climb to my feet and 
begin to pull my clothes back on.  I walk over to the 
mirror hanging over the bureau; run my fingers through 
my unruly hair - trying to smooth it back into place.  
As I do so I wonder if anything will ever be as it was 
before.  

I look toward the bathroom door that is still firmly 
closed.  I can hear no sound coming from the small 
bathroom and I wonder if he is leaning against the 
door, waiting for me to leave.  Is it possible... does 
he truly believe that last night was only about pity?  
That I offered my body only to comfort him?  I can feel 
my temper stirring.  Does he think so little of me?  My 
gaze falls to the rumpled bed on the other side of the 
room and as quickly as my anger flared, it diminishes.  
I realize that what has happened here this morning has 
very little to do with the way Mulder thinks of me and 
has everything to do with the way he thinks of himself.  

Turning back to the mirror, I see the reflection of a 
woman very different from the woman I am used to 
seeing.  This woman has flushed cheeks and a swollen 
mouth.  Her jaw and throat bear minor abrasions from 
the roughness of her lover's beard against her smooth 
skin.  Her eyes are drowsy with remembered passion and 
her limbs ache from a night spent loving and being 
loved in return.

Staring beyond my reflection, I see the bed in the 
distance and in my mind's eye I can see two lovers, 
twined together in sleep.  It is early - dawn is still 
a couple of hours away.  The man awakens and curls his 
body around the woman lying beside him.  She sighs in 
her sleep and turns to face him.  The man whispers to 
her quietly in the darkened room and he lifts her leg 
over his hip.  He brushes against her and as he slides 
into her body, her eyelids flutter open and one word 
escapes her lips.

"Mulder."

One word.  His name.  Filled with such love, such 
longing and such hope.

I close my eyes and pray that he will remember.  
Pushing away from the bureau, I smooth my shirt over my 
hips.  I'll go home, I decide.  I'll go home and take a 
shower.  I'll get dressed and fix myself something to 
eat.  I'll give him a couple of hours to process 
everything that has happened and then I'll come back 
and if he hasn't already figured everything out on his 
own, I'll make him see.

A knock on the front door startles me from my plans and 
I open it to find our boss standing in the hallway.  A 
few minutes later I feel the warmth of Mulder's body 
against my back.

"This case has heated up," Skinner is saying.  "I've 
booked two flights."  I glance over my shoulder.  
Mulder's eyes meet mine for a second before flicking 
away.  He nods at Skinner and turns on his heel.  I 
know that he's thinking this will give him the distance 
that he so obviously feels we need.  A few minutes ago, 
I was willing to give him some time to think things 
through.  But there is no way that I'm letting him make 
that trip to California without me.

"Then you'd better book three," I tell my boss.

************ 

I had hoped she would stay behind, but I should have 
known better.  Scully would never let me walk into such 
an emotional case without being there to support me.  
The trip to California was made in painful near-
silence.  I spent the six-hour flight staring out of 
the window of the plane.  Skinner sat in the aisle seat 
reading through the notes in the case file.  Scully was 
sandwiched between us in the middle seat.  She had her 
earphones plugged into the phone jack on the arm of her 
seat and I could hear the tinny sounds of the in-flight 
classical music station playing softly.

After meeting for a final time with the distraught 
LaPierres I had asked to be released from this case.  I 
needed some time off, time to myself.  Time to think 
about my mother, my sister.  Little Amber Lynn.  
Mostly, I needed time to think about Scully and me.  

Of course, I didn't get the chance to take the time 
off.  Standing in a field of unmarked graves, I 
wondered if I would ever have the time to have a life 
of my own.  When those graves were exhumed, I found 
myself hoping that I would find Samantha among the lost 
children.  I needed the closure.  I needed to move on 
with my life.  I needed a chance to find out what I 
wanted from life and whether or not Scully wanted those 
same things.  The part of me that wanted to protect 
myself from being hurt any more in this life told me 
that what had happened between me and Scully was 
nothing more than one friend seeking to comfort 
another.  It was easier for me to think that way 
because I didn't truly believe that I would ever be 
free to have a life where I could be loved.

Two days later I was standing in another field only 
this time I was surrounded not by unmarked graves, but 
by the happy, joyous spirits of the children whose 
bodies had inhabited those graves.  

Now I am back at home, sitting on the black leather of 
my sofa.  And I am remembering.  I am remembering the 
way she felt in my arms.  So tiny and delicate.  My 
sister's cheek rested against my chest and her hair was 
silky and fragrant when I laid my cheek against her 
head.  Gathering her close; clutching her to me; 
branding the memory of the way she felt into my brain.  
Cherishing the love that radiated from her and 
gathering it greedily to my heart before she was gone 
again - and this time forever.

Free.  I told Scully I was free.

My head rolls against the back of the sofa when I hear 
someone knocking on the front door.  Rising, I cross 
the room and pull the door open.  Scully.  I knew it 
was she before I opened the door.

I take a step back and allow her to walk into my 
apartment.  She stops and looks up at me.  I hate the 
hesitant look that is in her eyes.  I hate the fact 
that she doesn't know where she stands with me.  She 
stepped back when I asked her to, she allowed me time 
to work through everything that had happened over the 
course of the last week and she did it all without ever 
leaving my side.  

I push the door closed and take two steps towards her.  
She cranes her head back to look up into my face and I 
reach out to pull her close.  She comes willingly into 
my arms.  She too feels tiny and delicate, but beneath 
the fragile bones and soft skin is a core of iron 
strength that I know will always be there for me to 
lean on.  She rests her cheek against my chest and her 
soft, sweet-smelling hair snags on the stubble adorning 
my cheeks.  I can feel her love for me pouring out of 
her and again, I want to gather it, gorge on it, wallow 
in it.

Freedom.  Perhaps that is the gift that all of the 
women in my life have given me.  I had spent a lifetime 
searching for my sister, desperate to bring her back 
home to my mother - to bring happiness back to my 
mother.  With her passing, I am freed of that burden.  

Samantha - sweet Samantha.  A beautiful, young girl who 
came to me one last time and set me free of my search.  
Samantha, who once was lost, but now is found among the 
starlight.  And my mother... I want to believe that 
they are together now.

And Scully.  Beautiful, brave Scully.  Perhaps the 
greatest gift bestowed on me by my mother and sister is 
that I am free now to really see Scully.  

"Are you finished yet?" Her words startle me and I jerk 
back, but her arms are wrapped around my waist, holding 
me fast.

"Finished with what?" I ask curiously, relaxing once 
again into her embrace.  Her hands slide up my back and 
link together around my neck.

"Figuring it out." She's being mysterious.  I tighten 
my arms around her and pull her even closer to me.  I 
tilt my head and my gaze drops to her lips.  I'm pretty 
sure I know what she's talking about, but I need to 
hear her say it.  I need to see her say it.

"Figure what out?" I whisper.  Her lower lip pushes out 
into a tiny pout before curving up in a gentle smile.

"That I'm in love with you."  I watch her soft, pink 
lips form the words that I've waiting seven years... a 
lifetime to hear.  I raise my eyes to hers and in their 
blue depths I don't find pity.  In them, I find what I 
was too afraid to see before.

Love.

The End

Author's notes:  This started off as an answer to a 
challenge presented at two groups that I belong to.  

The challenge elements were:

Mulder's mother carked it (which apparently is 
Australian for passed away <g>)
He is distraught; Scully spends the night and it is the 
first time they make love.
Mulder assumes that Scully spent the night with him out 
of pity only
Scully has to prove him wrong
Minor angst
Alternating POVs


You can find this and all of my other stories at my 
website - which has undergone a recent facelift - 
http://tessfiles.envy.nu

My thanks to the Sisters and the folks at IWTB
for previewing the story and giving me their comments,
suggestions and support.

My heartfelt gratitude and love goes, as always to
Char for her friendship and beta skills and never-ending support
and to Aly for keeping me company in our yahoo chats.  If you
like the revamped look of my site, it is solely due to Aly's
hard work.