Healing (2/2) NC-17Title: Healing (2/2) Rating: NC-17 - Rape Disclaimers, etc. in part 1 Healing (5/7) Mulder walked quickly up the stairs to Scully's apartment. It had been several weeks since the rape had taken place. Scully was to return to work the next day despite Mulder's protests that it was too soon. She had only been released from the hospital a few days ago. Their plans for the night were for leisure, not work. Mulder had picked up a movie on the way over. Knocking quietly at her door, Mulder heard her muffled voice and then the sound of the door unlocking. "It's me, Scully," he reassured her and she opened the door to let him in. The bruises and scratches had faded from her face, but she still bore a livid scar along her left cheek. She hadn't yet made an appointment with the plastic surgeon to have it repaired. Her left arm was still in a sling, her shoulder more injured than originally believed. She had physical therapy sessions scheduled starting next week. Despite Mulder's advice, Scully had refused to speak with a therapist or to attend any type of group therapy. She seemed determined to be strong and to heal herself without help from anyone else. "Mulder, you're late. The food is already starting to get cold." Her voice and manner were light and he chose to match her mood. "Scully, you cooked. You shouldn't have." They laughed together as they started opening the containers of Chinese food. "So, what took you so long?" "I stopped to get a movie. And I'm not telling you which one. It's a surprise." He quickly moved into the living room, hiding the case and putting the tape into the VCR. Although, at times like this, it felt as if he and Scully were an old married couple, their relationship hadn't progressed any further from that first day when they kissed. He had chosen not to push their relationship, waiting for her to indicate that she was ready. Scully smiled at Mulder as he worked at hiding his surprise in the living room. At times like this, when she felt normal, she wanted to walk over to him, throw her arms around him and kiss him as she did the last time they kissed. But she was unsure of herself, and of him. Clearly, he was waiting for her to be ready for more intimate contact. But maybe he was afraid too. Maybe he thought she was as soiled as she felt. Maybe he was waiting, as she waited, to see if she suffered from some terrible virus. Her initial test results had come back negative, but it would be another four or five months before she could be certain that there wasn't any infection. Maybe he thought making love to her wasn't worth risking his life. Unable to answer her questions, Scully returned to piling food onto the two plates. Mulder returned, grabbing two pops from the fridge and they settled down on the couch. Pressing play on the VCR, Mulder checked to make sure she was feigning as much anticipation and excitement as she could. The title of the movie appeared on the screen. "Sphere?!? Mulder, this is about aliens. I'm not supposed to start work until tomorrow." "Consider it as a warm up. You've been out of the alien business for awhile now." After they had finished eating, Scully curled up closer to Mulder, pulling his arms around her. They sat this way for the rest of the movie. Scully found that today Mulder's arms made her feel safe. Some other days, they made her feel trapped, but today was a good day. The movie ended and the hour was late, so Mulder announced that he should leave. Walking him to the door, so she could both show him out and she could lock herself in, Scully waited while he donned his shoes and coat. At the door, before he left, Scully kissed him chastely on the cheek before saying good-bye. she agreed with her earlier thoughts and then headed off to sleep. ----------------------------End of Part Five--------------------------------------------- Healing (6/7) Scully arrived for work the next morning and quickly headed for the safety of their basement office. She could feel the eyes of each employee follow her as she passed them, hurrying further down the hall. She knew the worst of her injuries had healed, but she still bore a scar on her left cheek and her arm in a sling. She hated that they knew what had happened to her. It made her feel vulnerable and weakened in their eyes. Her back defiantly straight, she got on the elevator, not allowing herself to relax despite the absence of others. She walked into the office, breathing a sigh of relief. Mulder handed her a cup of coffee. "You okay, Scully?" His concern for her spread across his features. "Yeah, I'm fine..." She stopped herself in the midst of her usual response to these questions. "I just felt like everyone was staring at me. I wish I brought a lunch so I could just stay down here all day." With that said, she flopped into her chair, ignoring her computer and simply enjoying her cup of coffee. "Well, I hate to be the one to break it to you Scully, but we're due in Skinner's office in about 5 minutes." "What does he want now?" Scully could hear herself whining, but couldn't find the control to stop. "I just came back to work and we're already getting hauled up there. What did you do, Mulder?" Mulder caught a hint of smile in her eyes and relaxed. "I think he wants to talk to you. You know, make sure you really are ready to come back to work." "Oh." Scully took a final gulp of her coffee and rose from her prone position. "Let's get this over with." Mulder could sense his partner stealing herself against the inevitable looks she would receive, once again, and admired her courage. He was angered at his colleagues who were so insensitive to his partner's situation. The elevator doors opened and he found himself glaring angrily back at the many faces looking in their direction. Stepping forward, Mulder placed his hand at the small of Scully's back, guiding her towards Skinner's office. Scully was stiff under his touch and he silently cursed the people staring at them, thinking they had caused her uneasiness. To each of the onlookers however, it was plain to them, from the expression on her face and the rigid movements of her body, that she was terrified. The complete terror overtaking her body the moment her partner placed his hand on her back. Scully's mind reeled. She found herself frantically planning an escape. Then there was a knife and she numbly allowed herself to be directed by the hand at her back. Images flashed through her mind at breakneck speed. The sound of his grunting and moaning. His hot breath on her neck. The cool metal against her face. Tears flooded her eyes. She closed her eyes to hide her fear, opening them to find herself in front of Skinner's door. The hand was still at her back. She realized fully then where she was and what she was doing. The hand at her back belonged to her partner and not one of the men that had raped her. She took a long, steadying breath. Mulder looked down at her, eyes searching her face. "Are you okay?" "I, uh, just need a minute." She hurried off before he could respond, fleeing into the washroom. Thankful that the room was empty, she gazed at her reflection in the mirror. Her eyes were red-rimmed as if she had been crying. She splashed cold water on her face. Patting at it gently, careful not to remove the makeup she had applied in a vague attempt to disguise her scars. Trying to regain her composure, she took several deep breaths, leaning her back against the door for support. She took a last steadying breath and opened the door. She found Mulder waiting for her at the door to Skinner's office. He searched her face, eyes questioning, his hand reaching out to her. Scully found herself backing away from his touch. "I'm fine Mulder." She tried not to notice the disappointment that crossed his features. Mulder gazed at his partner as she pulled away from him. He had expected her to reveal her feelings to him, as she had earlier this morning, as she had ever since the rape. She was pulling away from him emotionally as well as physically. Neither was healthy for her. Neither helped the healing process. In Skinner's office, Scully's return to work was questioned. After assuring him that she was ready to return to work, he handed her a file. At first, Scully was shocked that they had been assigned a case so soon. She had hoped to return and get caught up on paperwork before heading into the field. About to speak, she looked at the file fully for the first time. It wasn't an X-File. Opening it, she realized it was her file, the file on her rape. "Agent Scully, I thought you would like to be updated on the status of your case, unless Agent Mulder has been keeping you informed." Scully tripped over her words as they tumbled out of her mouth. Both men stared at her as she failed at her attempt at coherent speech. Neither had seen her struggle with her words before. Mulder spoke up, to save her. "No, sir, actually I haven't been updating her. In all honesty, there hasn't been much to update." Scully found her ability to speak, her head still buried in the file. "There's nothing here. No physical evidence, no leads, no suspects?" Her voice was low, but still betrayed the disbelief she felt. "The only suspects were in the line up I saw two weeks ago." She looked up to face the two men at that time. Each acutely feeling that they had terribly let down the woman before them. She took a deep breath at that moment, making a decision. "I don't think, sir, that you should waste anymore manpower on this case. I inadvertently destroyed all the evidence and it's fairly obvious that we aren't going to catch any of the men involved. I'm not sure I wanted to endure a lengthy trial anyway." Scully's admission of defeat crushed Mulder's heart. He found the anger inside him building uncontrollably. Not only was his infallible partner admitting defeat, but he could no longer keep his promise to her. He couldn't make those men pay for what they had done. Skinner agreed to respect Scully's wishes and the agents were dismissed. Mulder hovered close to his partner, hoping to protect her from any further anguish as they left the office. Thankfully, he found that most of the agents had the sense to not follow their path again. He gently guided her to the elevator, finding her body rigid beneath his protective touch. Scully was numbed by the returned presence of the pressure at the small of her back. She continually reminded herself that it was Mulder's hand and he wouldn't harm her, but she couldn't keep the images at bay. Her mind was assaulted with the sights and sounds from that night. She again followed the direction indicated by the hand at her back, numb to her surroundings. Mulder lead his partner into their office, her feet stumbling hesitantly as he gently pushed her forward. Once inside, he turned her to face him. "Scully are you sure you're okay?" She responded with a whimper and her eyes didn't seem to focus on him. Scully's subconscious had won the battle against her conscious mind. She found herself lost in the world of that terrible night. Her attacker forced her into the alley, turning her to face him. She felt her shoulders shake. There was a knife, her clothes were being torn form her body. Her body was forced to the ground. She wanted to cry out, but she knew she couldn't. He'd hurt her again. She whimpered in fear. "Scully. Scully, can you hear me? What's wrong? Scully?" Mulder was frantically trying to snap his partner out of the trance she seemed to have fallen into. He continued to repeat her name, hoping she would respond to her voice. "Dana, please talk to me." Her eyes focused on him then. She looked down at his hands on her arms and pulled away, fear plastered across her features. Slowly, she took in her surroundings and then, before Mulder could say another word, she bolted from the room. Fleeing into the nearby washroom, Scully sank to the floor, pulling her knees to her chest with her good arm. Images from the attack mingled with her conscious thought. "Scully? Can I come in? Please." When she didn't answer, Mulder opened the door slowly and was confronted by his partner's huddled form on the floor. He stopped there, frozen by the similarity she now shared with the picture engraved in his mind. "Oh, Scully," he paused. Tears formed in his eyes. He couldn't find any words to comfort her. He took a step forward and noticed her flinch on his approach. Pausing a moment, he continued to her, kneeling before her. Slowly, he reached his hand towards her face. She pressed her back into the wall, pulling as far away from him as she could. "Scully, please. I won't hurt you, you know that." Lightly, his fingertip brushed against her cheek, tracing a path to her chin. Gently, he forced her eyes to meet his. Tears flowed anew from both pairs of eyes. He felt her relax slightly. "Mulder. Hold me please." Her voice was desperate, pleading. He gathered her body in his arms and carried her to their office. She wept silently on his shoulder, while he cried into her hair. After some time, she brushed the tears from her face. Rising from his lap, she straightened her clothes and smoothed her hair. She looked at him and felt as if she were seeing him for the first time that day. She brushed a lock of hair from his forehead. "I'm going home," she stated quietly. "Tell Skinner to call me there if he needs me for anything." "Are you okay to drive? Do you want me to drive you?" Mulder wanted to ask to go with her, but didn't want to infringe on her space. "No, I'm fine. Maybe you can come by later with some dinner. I'll probably want some company then." -----------------------------------End of Part Six-------------------------------------------------------- Healing (7/7) Scully grabbed her keys, the decision firmly planted in her mind. She had finally gained control of the images flooding her conscious mind. There was one memory, one of very few, that she felt she could control. Most of the circumstances surrounding her rape were beyond her control. She chose to eliminate the opportunity for those images to take over her conscious mind. She wanted to feel strong and in control of her life again. She wanted to forget the person she had now become: the weak, vulnerable woman who was afraid of a man's touch. She no longer wanted to be herself. Standing in the bathroom with her purchase from the drugstore, she set to work. Scissors held deftly in her hand, she held up the first chunk of hair. The blades closed, severing the length near to her scalp. She continued determinably, pausing only once to find a mirror. After she finished with the hairs at the back of her head, she stopped to inspect her work. The red hairs were little more than a couple of inches long and those were the longest pieces. There was a haphazard suggestion to the style that she had tried to control, but having no experience, failed. She had managed to keep it shorter at the sides and back than on the top, but other than that fact, there was no general trend to the style. Scully stared at her reflection a little longer before proceeding with her transformation. She pulled the bottle of dye out of the box. "Platinum Blonde" was the description of the shade on the box. She liberally dribbled the contents over her now-shortened hair. After half an hour and a hot shower, Scully emerged from the bathroom. She removed the towel from her hair and looked at the stranger in the reflection from the bedroom mirror. She knew that were she ever faced with her attackers again, they wouldn't be able to identify her. She felt safer and smiled back at her reflection. Quickly, she tousled the locks with her fingers and laughed aloud. The messiness of the style meant that she didn't have to work hard to style it. Less than a minute and she was finished. She changed quickly into an old pair of scrubs and a v-neck t-shirt. She headed for the kitchen when a knock came at the door. Looking out the peephole she found her partner, laden with bags, on the other side. She opened the door to let him in, only to be faced with an odd expression from him. "Aren't you going to come in?" "Uh, yeah, sure." Recovering his composure, Mulder walked into Scully's apartment, heading for the kitchen. "It's kind of early for dinner, isn't it?" "Yeah, well, I thought I'd cook for you for a change." Mulder put the last of the bags on the kitchen counter. "Scully, what happened?" Mulder blurted the question out, unable to avoid it any longer. "What do you mean, Mulder?" "Your hair, Scully! What happened to your hair?" "Oh, you noticed." Scully waved, nonchalantly. "I needed a little change." "A *little* change," Mulder choked. "I'd say you got more than just a little change." "Well...do you like it?" Mulder looked at the woman that bore almost no resemblance to the woman he worked closely with for the last five years. Her casual attire was in stark contrast to the usual pantsuits she wore, her hair was almost as short as his, and *it was blonde*. He had fallen in love with the old Scully. He still loved the woman before him. "It's different," he hesitated, while looking at the sides and back of her head. "If I ever get used to it, I think I'll like it." "You don't like it!?!" "Well, it's not that Scully. It's just that I didn't expect it. I mean, it's short. And it's blonde. And it doesn't look anything like you, or like you used to because it is *still* you. Give me a chance Scully. I'm trying to be honest here." Exasperated, he turned back to the bags on the counter. The psychologist's part of Mulder's mind recognized that Scully's transformation was a direct result of her assault. The path Scully was following was a dangerous one often traveled by victims of violent crimes. She was creating a new persona, walking away from the old, weaker one. She was constructing a second personality to prevent having to deal with the horrors that had happened to the first one. He recognized that she needed to talk to someone, anyone soon, before she was too far down the path to head back. Scully quietly stood next to Mulder, helping unload the groceries, impressed by the myriad of fresh vegetables he had collected. "Mulder, I didn't think you could name this many vegetables, let alone cook something with them all together." She hoped her teasing manner would lighten the mood. She didn't want to be serious. She didn't want to talk about serious things. She wanted to forget for tonight. Mulder only grunted a response, his mind still turning over thoughts of Scully's recent actions. "Sooo, what are we having for dinner?" "Thai chicken stir fry," Mulder stated blankly. Regretting the tone of his voice, he cheerfully added: "And you thought all I was good for was coffee." "Sounds good, but didn't we have Chinese last night?" "Scully, this isn't the same thing. Besides, this is one of the few 'homemade' things I can cook." "Can I help you cut up the vegetables or something?" "No," he declined, adding: "You are supposed to be resting that shoulder of yours. Where's the sling anyway?" Scully made a face and headed to the bedroom. "Give me a break. I just got out of the shower. I didn't get a chance to put it on." While Mulder busied himself preparing the meal, Scully watched admiringly. She helped as much as she could, or as he would let her and the two conversed amicably. Scully set the table as Mulder put the finishing touches on dinner. As they seated themselves at the small table, Scully couldn't stop herself from smiling. "What are you smiling at?" Mulder asked, suspiciously. "Nothing, it's just, this seems so normal, so unlike what we would usually do, so unlike us. It's nice for a change." "I guess it is a change, isn't it?" After clearing the table and loading the dishwasher, Mulder headed to the door. "You're leaving already? After cooking a dinner like that, I'll let you stay longer, I promise. It's the least I could do." "I...I'm not sure if I should stay, if you wanted me to." Scully had followed Mulder to the door and now she stepped closer to him. "I want you to stay Mulder." Her voice had lowered and her eyes spoke of desire. She stepped closer still. "Please." They were practically breathing the same air now. Scully desperately wanted him to touch her, to reach out and hold her, kiss her as they had so long ago. She waited, breathing deeply, her eyes lowered, body anticipating his touch. After a few moments, she reached her hands up to his face, tracing his lips lightly with her fingertips. Turning her face up to his, she pulled his head towards her gently. Closing her eyes, she parted her lips, anticipating their meeting with his. Suddenly, she felt his head pull away from her hands and his body brushed past hers brutally. "Jesus, Scully! What the hell are you doing?" Mulder's voice betrayed the anger and confusion felt by his heart. "What do you mean 'what am I doing'? I was trying to kiss you since you wouldn't do it yourself." "I won't do it because I can't play these games. I can't keep running hot and cold the way you want me to. One minute you're cowering away from my touch, the next you're seducing me. I can't do it. I don't know when to be your partner or your friend or your lover or whatever you want me to be at that instant in time." Mulder paused, taking a deep breath in an attempt to control the flow of words from his mouth. His voice was hushed when he spoke again. "I love you Dana. I'll love you from afar if you want me to. I can do that. I've done it before. I can just be your partner, your friend. But, if you want, I can be your lover. I can be the man you come home to every day, fall asleep with every night and wake up with every morning. I'd do just about anything to be that man. But I won't kiss you, only to have you run away from me in terror and huddle on the bathroom floor. I love you more than life itself. But I won't hurt you like that. I can't be responsible for that kind of pain." Mulder turned away from Scully, her mouth open in shock, and retrieved his jacket. Putting on his shoes, he opened the door. "Wait." The word was hushed, but still it stopped his retreat. He closed the door before him and turned to face the woman who was becoming increasingly a stranger to him. "Do you think I like this, not being able to control my feelings? Do you think I like feeling strong one minute, only to be stripped of that vitality the next? To be reduced to a helpless, little girl. I hate it Mulder!" Her voice raised in intensity until it cracked, yielding to the tears in her eyes. "I hate wanting to touch you and I hate fearing your touch. I hate pulling you close and pushing you away. But I can't help it. And that's what I hate the most. I try to control it, but sometimes I can't stop it. I can't stop my mind from going there. I try to tell myself that it's okay, I'm not in danger, but sometimes, I'm terrified and I can't help it." "But me Scully? Why are you afraid of me? Don't you know that I would *never* hurt you, that I could never hurt you?" "I know Mulder, but...but..." "But what Scully? That night, when you woke up after the surgery, you said you thought it was me. Why would you ever think it was me?" "That night, he touched me..." Mulder closed his eyes, dreading what was about to come. "He came up from behind me. I didn't see him. I didn't hear him. Then suddenly I felt you. I felt you put your hand on my back, the way you always do. I was so happy to see you Mulder. And just as I was about to turn to you, he pushed harder and it wasn't you anymore. Then it's him and the knife and them and..." She choked back the sobs, wrapping her arm around herself, visibly struggling to regain her composure. "You thought it was me," Mulder whispered as he stepped closer to her. "I didn't think it was you, only for that small moment. The small moment I had to escape, before he showed the knife. I wasted it, but I knew it wasn't you all along. I know you could never hurt me. I know it. I know it in my heart and I know it in my mind - most of the time. But when..." "When I touch you, you think it's him." "Not all the time Mulder. This morning, it was when you put your hand on my back." "So you know why it happened, but you didn't tell me. Scully you have to talk to me, or if you can't talk to me, then someone else. You can't just change your hair and it will go away." Scully laughed slightly. "I know Mulder. I'm just trying to get some control back in my life. Those men, they dragged me around by my hair. They called me 'red'. They couldn't do either of those things now. I don't have to be afraid of that anymore." "And me? How are you controlling me?" "Well, I wasn't until now. Now, you have a rule. I don't know how long you'll have to follow it. We'll play it by ear. You just keep your hand from that spot on my back. That spot with a permanent imprint of your hand on it." She closed the distance between them and wrapped her arm around him, feeling his arms tighten around her in return. "We still have a long way to go, don't we?" Mulder tilted her chin up to him as he spoke. She nodded her silent agreement. "Promise me you'll let me know what's going on in your head, okay? It'll make everything a lot easier." She kissed him softly on the lips. "I promise." Mulder cupped her face and kissed the tears drying on her cheeks. "I love you Mulder." He looked into her eyes, seeing the honesty there, and the trust. Instead of speaking the words, he kissed her passionately, deepening the kiss, leaving them both breathless when they parted. He looked at the door. "It's been a long day." He looked hesitantly back at Scully. "Can I stay? I, uh, I'm just not ready to let you go yet." She nodded her agreement, leading him to the bedroom. She thought to herself. ----------------------------------The End---------------------------------------------- Thanks for reading. What did you think? Let me know. Send all comments to: scarlet.scully@home.com -- "Dear Diary: My heart leapt when Agent Scully suggested Spontaneous Human Combustion."