SHELTER FROM THE BITTER COLD (1/2) by Jill Selby (msselby@socketis.net) Summary: A follow-up to "The Bitter Taste of Revenge." Scully's ordeal with Jimmy continues to haunt her and, by extension, Mulder. Disclaimer: Characters from the X-Files are the property of Ten Thirteen Productions and the Fox Television Network. All others are the author's creation. Any similarity to any person, living or dead, is purely coincidental. No infringement is intended. Classification: SRA Relationship: MSR Rating: PG Spoilers: None **Feedback always sincerely appreciated.** ____________________________ SHELTER FROM THE BITTER COLD (1/2) She looked cold, huddled near the edge of the bed with the covers bunched up around her knees. Mulder tugged on the blanket and drew it over her until she was once again cocooned in its warmth. Not so long ago, she wouldn't have needed the blanket. During their first night as lovers, and routinely during every night they had spent together since, some insecure part of Mulder made frequent Scully-checks. If he awoke to find she had rolled away from him in her sleep, he would gently pull her back into his arms. She had always come to him willingly. Sometimes sleepily aware, sometimes unconsciously, she would relax against him with utter confidence that she was safe and loved. Until four weeks ago. Until a deranged monster named Jimmy broke into their motel room and ripped her from her lover's embrace. She had survived her captivity, and for a time, that was all that mattered to Mulder. She'd been found, battered, but whole. And that was enough. It had taken eleven days for her injuries to heal enough for lovemaking to be possible. They had spent the night of every one of those days together, but separated by her need for recovery time. Her bruised flesh was still too tender. He didn't want to risk hurting her further by unwittingly tightening his arms around her in his sleep. They had shared a bed for those eleven nights, but little in the way of physical contact. She was near. And that was enough. When her pain eased, it was enough that she allowed him to touch her again, even if he had to slide his hands beneath a nightshirt to do it. They'd been suffering a frigid, blustery December. It was understandable that she might want to wrap herself in flannel to ward off the chill, although a month ago she had been content wrapped in nothing more than his arms. The energetic, adventurous edge had disappeared from their lovemaking. The pace now was reverent. Slow. Not a bad exchange, he had reasoned. He had left it to her to tell him when the time was right, and a little more than a week ago she had informed him that her injuries were sufficiently healed. She hadn't initiated the encounter, exactly. Just given him permission. She had freely offered him access to her body, even though it was always partially cloaked in soft cotton. He had touched her body, her skin, every night since then. The intimacy inherent in the act should have reassured him, and yet he was feeling anything but confident. Those beautiful, abstract parts of her he had once touched with such reverence, her heart and soul, were still wrapped in layer upon layer of self-protection, out of harm's way. Out of his reach. Now, the emotional cord that had always held them entwined, even when their bodies were separated, had begun to fray dangerously thin. As Mulder tried to compensate for the new fragility of their connection by moving closer, Scully was pulling away. He couldn't help but wonder if she had returned as whole as he had first believed, or if part of the woman he loved had been left behind in a secluded cabin in California. Just hours ago, she had again selflessly offered her body up to serve his physical needs. And there was no question his body enjoyed it. But it wasn't everything they'd had before. And anything less than everything just wasn't enough. ____________________________ ____________________________ She was awakened by the menacing whisper of footsteps on the carpet. Fear closed her in its vice as each hushed footfall brought the threat nearer. Every muscle in her body coiled, preparing for defense against a would-be attacker. A scream tore at her throat like broken glass, but she held it there. She didn't dare make a sound. Didn't dare move, even to nudge Mulder awake. Not if it meant giving up the precious tactical advantage of surprise. A step closer. Beneath the covers, her hands clenched into fists. Closer. She begged for strength in silent prayer. Another step brought him right to the edge of the bed. She was certain he would hear the rapid pounding of her heart. And then he touched her. Ran a caressing hand over her cheek and into her hair. With speed and strength honed by training and fueled by adrenalin, she jerked away and captured his wrist in a powerful grip. Her attacker, masked by midnight shadows, took a startled step back, but Scully held on and let his movement pull her upright. She drew back her right arm, punched forward, connecting solidly with the man's jaw. She released him then, but only to put enough space between them to drive her foot into his abdomen and propel him backward into the dresser. He fell with a satisfying thud against the heavy piece of furniture. "Mulder, get the light." Her voice was breathy, raw, but loud in the stillness of the room. Even so, Mulder didn't respond. The only answer came in the form of a groan from her defeated opponent. She couldn't suppress the flash of angry disappointment that Mulder had managed to remain asleep and oblivious to the danger. She fumbled for her gun on the nightstand, and once it was firmly in her grip, switched on the bedside lamp. Her vision was blurred by the sudden brightness, her arms trembled, but her aim didn't waver. She barked a warning to the predator crumbled in a heap on the floor. "Don't move." "Whatever you say, Scully. Do you know you have dust bunnies under your dresser?" His voice registered at the same instant her eyesight cleared. She was across the room and kneeling at his side in the space of a heartbeat. "Oh my God, Mulder. I didn't . . . I thought . . . I'm so sorry." Mulder began to uncurl from his huddle on the floor, and eased himself into a sitting position. When Scully reached for him, he leaned away and held up a hand to halt her. "Wait." She followed his wary glance and was astonished to find the gun still in her grip, aimed at Mulder. His life was resting on one shaking finger still poised over the trigger. Her eyes traced over the polished metal as she lowered the gun to the floor. She shoved it aside, beyond reach, but still in sight. In California, a frightening stranger had abducted her with the intention of separating her from Mulder for the rest of her life. The experience had terrified her. Wounded her. Added new scars to a collection of deep, but healing, cuts into her psyche. Now as she stared at the weapon on the floor, her soul began to bleed again as realization stabbed her and conscience twisted the knife. With careful deliberation, she had killed the man who tried to sever her bond with Mulder. She had survived, only to find herself, in a moment of reckless panic, nearly succeeding where Jimmy had failed. ____________________________ ____________________________ It had been a colossally stupid thing to do. He should have known better than to try to steal up beside her while she was sleeping, not after what she had been through. Now he had souvenir bruises to prove that he had taken vacation from his senses. His jaw ached, his stomach churned, and he would probably have a nice imprint of the dresser drawer handle on his ass. But his own pain was incidental at the moment. She was motionless, mesmerized it seemed, by the gun on the floor. The fear and rage had evaporated from her expression. Guilt and embarrassment, although surely roiling just beneath the surface, were not yet discernable in the neutral set of her features. It was a traitorous tear that gave her away; a tiny drop clung to her lower lashes and glittered in the soft light. "Scully?" He spoke gently, afraid of startling her again, but she didn't react. "Scully, it's okay." The motion was nearly imperceptible. Just a slight shake of her head accompanied by the barest whisper of "No." She turned to face him then, and repeated the motion and the word with more force. "No. It's not okay." She launched to her feet and strode to the closet. Yanking a large suitcase down from the shelf, she flung it on the bed and turned back to pluck his shirts and suits from their hangers. She tossed the bundle of clothes on the bed beside the suitcase and returned to where he was sitting, still leaning against the dresser. "Can you scoot over? I need to open this drawer." "What are you doing, Scully?" "I'm packing your things," she said so matter-of-factly that at first he wondered if they were going on some trip he had forgotten. "You're moving back to your apartment." "What?" "You can't stay here anymore." He ignored the complaints of his battered body and pushed to his feet, planting himself in the small space between her and the dresser. "I'm not leaving, Scully." "This is my home, and you'll leave when I decide. I've decided you're leaving tonight." She was putting as much authority as she could marshal into her voice, but he detected the uncertainty she was trying to camouflage. He held his ground when she attempted to shoulder her way around him to reach his sock drawer. "No. Not until you give me a good reason." Scully took a step back from him and crossed her arms over her chest. He'd seen her examine mutant cellular material with this exact same expression of incredulity. "Christ, Mulder, I could have killed you tonight. How much more reason do you need?" "That wasn't your fault." "No? Whose fault was it then?" He closed the distance between them and brought his hand up to smooth down the unruly strands of her sleep-mussed hair. "If anyone is to blame, it's me." She sighed and pulled his hand down to her lips for the faintest hint of a kiss. As his hand fell away, her lips turned up in a small, sad smile. "Your infinite capacity for self-blame never ceases to amaze me, Mulder, but I truly can't follow your logic on this one." She brushed her fingers over the darkening bruise on his face. "I did this." She dragged up the fabric of his t-shirt to reveal the red, foot-sized mark on his stomach. "I did this. And I came close --" Her voice snagged on a small, anguished sob. "Too close to putting a bullet through your brain. So, while I appreciate your willingness to confess responsibility, the evidence doesn't point to you as the culpable party." "Come here." Slipping his hand into hers, he pulled her toward the bed. He sat down on the edge of the mattress and patted the space next to him in invitation. Though she looked uncertain about his intentions, she didn't hesitate to sit beside him. "I'm sorry I startled you tonight." She shook her head. "Mulder, it was my --" "You overreacted, Scully. We both know that. But it was a natural, justifiable reaction after what happened in California." In contrast to his soothing tone, her voice took on a note of high-pitched desperation. "Don't you see? No matter how you try to explain it away, it doesn't excuse it. I hurt you. I could have killed you. I'm not going to take the chance of it happening again." He tilted his head to catch her troubled gaze. "I promise not to take any more nighttime strolls around the bedroom if that makes you feel better." "It doesn't." In the hours before he'd awakened her, he had rehearsed every possible segue into this most difficult of conversations. Now that the moment had arrived, he realized that levity and circuitous word games would fail him here. Scully deserved the direct approach. "We have to talk about California." Frustration marred her pretty features. She had made it abundantly clear that she wanted to put that event behind her. His refusal to talk about it had been a festering irritation between them for weeks. "We've talked about it. I murdered a man to save my own life, even though the rescue team was about ten minutes away at the time, and now I have to live with that." "Yes, you do. And I won't lie to you and tell you that it will be an easy thing to live with. I'll be as supportive as I know how, I'll talk about it whenever you want to talk about it, but you have to be the one to make peace with yourself. I can't do it for you." His candor seemed to take her aback and she studied him for a moment before nodding her agreement. "So there's nothing to talk about." "There's one thing we've never discussed. Something we've both been afraid to bring up." "Nothing happened, Mulder." She squeezed his hand in a reassuring gesture. "He didn't touch me, I told you that." But she had misunderstood. "This isn't about Jimmy. It's about me." Dread poured into his veins, bile bubbled into his throat. His relationship with Scully was the foundation on which he had built his entire future, and now it threatened to collapse beneath the weight of a single question. "Scully, do you blame me for letting him take you?" ____________________________ ____________________________ End part 1/2 of "Shelter from the Bitter Cold" SHELTER FROM THE BITTER COLD (2/2) by Jill Selby (msselby@socketis.net) See part 1 for Summary and Disclaimer. Classification: SRA/MSR Rating: PG Spoilers: None ____________________________ SHELTER FROM THE BITTER COLD (2/2) Disbelief rendered her mute. For long seconds she could only stare at Mulder as she tried to comprehend his question. Even when she found her voice again, she could manage nothing more profound than "What?" "I would understand, you know, if you blamed me." His tone, his posture sagged in disgrace. "If I had done my job, Jimmy never would have been able get to you." "Your job?" "To protect you." He raised his eyes to look at her, and gripped her hand a little tighter to punctuate his statement. "That's not your job, Mulder." With her free hand she brushed his hair away from a nearly-healed wound near his temple. "You're my partner, not my bodyguard, and even if you were, he knocked you unconscious. There was nothing you could have done." He shrugged away her answer. "I'm sure, intellectually, that's what you believe." "But you're suggesting that, emotionally, I expected my lover to come charging up on a white steed to whisk me out of danger?" "Maybe." Mulder wore guilt like a second skin. That she hadn't anticipated his self-blame was an alarming indication of just how distracted she had let herself become. "You're wrong, Mulder." She spoke with such conviction, surely he would have to believe. "I never blamed you. Neither intellectually, nor emotionally. There wasn't a minute when I was trapped in that cabin that I didn't wish for you to find me, but it never crossed my mind to hold you responsible for my being there." He still looked uncertain, so she moved closer and slid her arms around him. She kept him snared in her embrace, fastened to her gaze, as she spoke. "I was frightened for my own life, yes, but even more terrified of what Jimmy might have done to you. I knew, though, that if it was humanly possible, you were out there searching for me. I was absolutely certain of that fact. It gave me strength. Hope." She caressed his cheek. "You gave me those things. I wouldn't have survived without them." The first glimmer of acceptance appeared in his eyes, although he continued to resist. "Still --" "Don't martyr yourself over this. You're not the villain here." He seemed to consider her words for a moment, then conceded the argument with the slightest of nods. She felt enormously relieved to have averted that particular crisis, until a reassured Mulder, turned her own argument against her. "Neither are you, Scully." It was the same tiresome chorus, and one she had become adept at ignoring. She untangled herself from him and headed back to the dresser, still determined to pack his things and send him home. He chattered on, but was forced to talk to her back as she rifled through the dresser. "No one but you considers your defense against Jimmy to be an excessive use of force. You can't keep punishing yourself for crossing a line you never even approached." Love, she surmised, must be blinding him since only minutes ago she had demonstrated rather dramatically her precarious balance on that line. "You keep telling me that, but how can you believe it, especially after what happened tonight?" "There is nothing dishonorable about self-defense." She returned to the bed with an armful of his t-shirts and laid them in the suitcase, putting unnecessary attention into straightening the pile, solely to avoid looking at him. "There is when it makes you point a gun at the man you love." "No." He rose and moved behind her, reaching around to still her fidgeting hands. His body pressed against hers and his voice rumbled in her ear. "You pointed the gun at a threat, to neutralize it until you could make an identification. There's nothing wrong with your procedure, Agent Scully." "But --" Her voice was faltering, and so, she feared, was her determination. Mulder must have sensed that she was weakening. He turned her to face him and drew her close. "Now if you had shot me after you knew it was me . . . well, then I might have wondered if some of the magic had gone out of our relationship. The fact that you didn't leads me to believe that you still like me, at least a little." At the touch of his lips to her forehead, her eyes squeezed shut. Emotion choked her, and the words would barely push past the lump in her throat. "I love you." "I know you do." She gathered the crumbs of her resolve and took a step back from him, hoping the stubborn expression she adopted was even remotely convincing. "And that's why you have to leave. I'm afraid I might accidentally hurt you again." "You're hurting me now." Pain ravaged his expression. She could feel it squeezing her own heart in its unmerciful fist. Still, she tried to argue. "It's not the same thing." "You're right." He captured her hand and brought it up to his bruised cheek. "Punch me in the jaw and the bruise will fade in a week or so. Shut me out of your life, and I'll never recover." She let her hand linger on his face. "I don't want to shut you out. I just . . . I just want you to feel safe." "I only feel safe when I'm with you." She stumbled back. His words, so tender in intent, hit in the very center of her anxiety. Knocked her emotionally off balance. Even her physical equilibrium couldn't compensate, and she sank to the bed. Her limbs trembled and no amount of willpower was sufficient to slow her hammering pulse. His warm hand rested on her leg and Mulder's concerned voice drifted up from where he was kneeling in front of her. "Scully?" Her first attempt to answer failed altogether. She cleared her throat and managed to rasp out a few words. "I'm fine. I'm sorry." "Tell me." Such gentleness threatened to snap her tenuous control, and it was only made worse when he leaned in to try to make eye contact. She turned her head to avoid it. "I can't." His hands came up to cradle her face, to turn her toward him, and to make avoiding him impossible. "Don't pull away from me, Scully. You say you don't blame me for what happened in California, but something's bothering you. Have I done something to upset you? You have to tell me or I can't fix it." "You can't fix this." She was certain he couldn't. She also knew, despite her protests, he would persist until she told him the truth. "I can try. But you have to tell me what it is." Her fingers twined with his and she pulled his hands down into her lap. "Do you remember . . ." she began in a watery whisper. "Do you remember the first night we made love?" He winked. "Vaguely." Her own recollection of that night, at once beautiful and bitterly painful, washed over her as she described it aloud. "That night as I was falling asleep in your arms, I remember thinking that I had never felt so safe. That nothing evil could find me there. And all the nights after that, no matter what kind of monster we had faced during the day at work, I could retreat to that shelter and feel safe again." "Oh, God, Scully . . ." She couldn't let him interrupt. Couldn't give him an opening to start the self-flagellation all over again. "It was childish, Mulder. You aren't my security blanket." "But when I let Jimmy take you . . ." "Please try to understand, this isn't about your being unable to help me. It's about an illusion that was shattered the instant Jimmy touched me. You could have killed him right then and it wouldn't have changed that. Darkness is part of our work and it's part of our lives. It doesn't respect boundaries, no matter how I might wish for a place that was off-limits." Tears were tracking down her face and she angrily wiped them away. "I was stupid to let my guard down. I realize that now. It was a beautiful sanctuary for awhile, but Jimmy destroyed it when he pulled me away from you that night." "We could rebuild it." Mulder sounded more pleading than assuring. Begging, almost, for her to cling to something that had never been a tangible reality. "It's not bricks and mortar. I can't just slap a fresh coat of paint on my sense of security and forget everything that's happened." "No. But you can get it back if you want it badly enough." He seemed so certain, and she desperately wanted to believe it was true. "How?" He tugged on her hand and pulled her down from the bed, into his lap. She relaxed against him, waiting for him to whisper the greatest of all secrets in her ear. "Slowly." Which was better than not at all, she supposed, but disappointing just the same. "One brick at a time." She leaned her head on his shoulder, rubbed her cheek against the soft cotton of his t-shirt. It would be so tempting to try, but, "I don't know where to start." "Can I make a suggestion?" She raised her head to look at his face, and was surprised to find something like mirth sparkling in his eyes. With a lift of a curious eyebrow, she gave him permission to continue. He fingered the top button of her flannel nightshirt. "I really hate this shirt, Scully." ____________________________ ____________________________ He wished he could snatch the words out of the air. In one breath he had spoken of the need to move slowly, and in the next he was cajoling her to take off her shirt. He'd known teenagers with more finesse. She crawled out of his lap and settled down on her knees in front of him, but she didn't speak, and her expression gave nothing away. She smoothed the nightshirt over her thighs and fingered the fabric for an eternity before she looked at him again. "This shirt?" Verbosity would likely get him into further trouble, so he did nothing but nod. "My mother bought me this shirt." He wondered if he was actually shrinking, or if it was only wishful thinking on his part to suddenly be able to hide in the carpet fibers. "Mom loves this color." Some sort of gurgle came from his throat, but it hardly qualified as a response. "I have to tell you, Mulder . . ." He braced himself. "I've never liked lavender." "Huh?" "Lavender. It washes me out. But it's Mom's favorite color, and she's unconsciously foisting her preferences on me." He opened his mouth, but hesitated to speak, not yet certain of what had just transpired. "So, Mulder, you don't like it either?" With a tentative hand he reached for her and brushed his fingers across her shirt sleeve. "I just know that it's not nearly as beautiful as what's underneath." She answered with an embarrassed smile and her eyes flickered downward. He'd never known her to be shy, though he had rarely been so bold in his compliments of her body. He'd always been one for showing appreciation rather than stating what he thought should be obvious. "I still have bruises." His fingers wandered back to her top button and slipped it free. Keeping his touch delicate and watching her for any sign of resistance, he ran his hand down her skin until it met another button obstacle. Her stillness gave him permission to continue and he made his way slowly, breaching each button barrier he encountered during the journey. Once the shirt hung loose, he slipped his hands inside, letting them travel over her shoulders to nudge at the offensive lavender material until it fell down her arms. The agent looked at his partner and saw the greenish-yellow splotches around her ribs. Ugly reminders of the beating she had taken from a madman. But the man looked at his lover and saw white skin, perfect breasts, pale freckles and a sexy little birthmark on her stomach. "I don't see any bruises, Scully." There was no doubt that it had been exactly the right thing to say. His reward was immediate: the gentlest, sweetest of kisses. Her lips didn't linger on his, but neither did she move away. He only had to lean forward a fraction of an inch to meet her lips again. And again. A dozen breathless kisses later, she whispered to him. "Mulder?" "Hmm?" "I really hate your shirt." ____________________________ ____________________________ It didn't take long to discover that they had a similar loathing of each other's underwear, and the garments were cast aside with the disrespect they deserved. Scully pushed to her feet, dragging Mulder up with her, and took two steps back until her legs bumped into the bed. She started to sit but Mulder yanked her forward. "Scully, the suitcase." She twisted around to survey the bed; it was a mess. The suitcase yawned open, empty except for a well-organized pile of undershirts. Mulder's suits and dress shirts were tangled in a heap amidst the blankets. Another time she would have shown more concern for his belongings, but Mulder's hands were sweeping across her body and erasing any cares she might have had for his apparel. She swept the suitcase off the bed, then fell forward into the mound of shirts and suits, carrying Mulder down with her. "You're paying for my dry cleaning, Scully," she heard him grumble in her ear. She wriggled beneath him and he eased his weight from her so she could turn over. Her arms looped up around his neck and pulled him back down atop her. "If you're going to live here, Mulder, you're going to have to learn to hang up your clothes." "I'll get right on that." He pushed away and reached for a shirt. She intercepted his hand with her own. "Later would be okay." His hand slipped from hers to continue with its rediscovery of her body. "Do you have something else you want me to do right now?" She had forgotten how delicious it was to feel him touching her so intimately. To have her skin pressed against his. She vaguely recalled that he had asked her a question. While the teasing banter had been fun, and a long-time missing from their lovemaking, her quick-wittedness had slowed to match the languid crawl of Mulder's hands on her body. "What do you want me to do for you?" He must have perceived the shift in her mood, because his tone wasn't playful anymore. "Touch me." And he did. With his hands, as he had on their first night together. With his mouth, as he kissed her with a newness that excited her and a familiarity that soothed her. With his spirit, as he stripped away her fear and made her forget, even if only for a few minutes. When it came to loving Mulder, she'd always found it much easier to give than to take. But tonight, just this once, it felt right to be greedy. What she demanded of him, he gave. And then he gave more still. ________________________ ____________________________ For a time there was no sound in the world except their gasping breaths. No life in the universe beyond that room. His awareness of her so complete, he knew she was watching him even before he opened his eyes for confirmation. "You okay, Mulder?" "Never better." She pulled one of his wrinkled dress shirts from beneath her. "The same can't be said for your clothes. I'll take them to the cleaners tomorrow." "I'll take them, Scully, as long as I can hang them here when they're done." She rolled away, rose from the bed, and began gathering his clothes. She dropped a bundle of suits and shirts in a chair and turned toward him. "You aren't afraid?" The question was asked almost casually, but he knew its import. "Only of losing you." He sat up and held out a hand to her. "Come here." He stopped her before she could sit. "Just a second, Scully." She remained still as he slid from the bed and walked behind her. Mulder picked up the nightshirt at her feet and then tenderly threaded her arms into the sleeves. Beginning with the top button, he fastened each closure one by one until she was again covered by soft, lavender cloth. Except that her hands were trailing behind his, unbuttoning each button in his wake. She shrugged out of the garment and let it fall away. Wrapping herself instead in the shelter of his arms. ____________________________ ____________________________ End part 2/2 of "Shelter from the Bitter Cold" Author's Notes: This story was literally salvaged from the trash bin by Shari and Lisa who convinced me there was something here worth saving, even without the smut. If you disagree, blame them. Feedback to msselby@socketis.net is welcomed and appreciated.