>From canadianchick@home.com Tue Mar 25 16:04:01 1997 Subject: Without Letting Go (1/1) From: Laurie -------- *****Please Archive******* *****Please Don't post to ATXC**** Disclaimer: The characters in this story belong to Chris Carter and 1013 productions. They are portrayed wonderfully by David Duchovny and Gillian Anderson. The only characters that do belong to me are Niki Stewart, her mother and Peter Grawlen. The song that is used in this story is called "Without Letting Go" by Laurie Sargent and it can be found on the Party of Five soundtrack. Authors Notes/Summary: This is a MSR, really it is, don't be alarmed by the Mulder/Other in the beginning. I am a 'shipper:) How I came up with the idea is really quite funny. I had just bought the Party of Five soundtrack and fell in love with this song (without letting go) and as I was listening to it, the idea for this Fanfic came into my head. Huge thanks goes to the three lovely people who edited this for me Mara, Jennea (Sneakers) and Jo:) Rating: PG Send all comments to canadianchick@home.com *********************************************** Without Letting Go (1/1) by Laurie Sarnacki As Fox Mulder stared out the window, his thoughts were of his ex-partner Dana Scully. How he missed her, some days it was just enough to drive him crazy. He hadn't seen her for a few years, but he still thought of her often. Her soft smile that could warm his heart on the coldest day, or the way she always made him laugh on even the most gruesome of cases. The way she always stuck to her convictions and made him work harder and better. His whole life changed the day she walked through that basement door. They had been through hell and back, yet it wasn't enough to keep her with him forever. They had both moved on after the Consortium had permanently shut down the X-Files about four years ago. He moved to San Antonio, Texas and was a top VCS agent there. She had gone back to teach at Quantico. At first they had kept in touch, talking to each other at least once a week. But, as time moved on, so too did they; Fox had met somebody and, according to Scully's mother, so had she. Still, no one could quite compare to Dana Scully. "Fox?" Niki insisted on calling him that, even though he had asked her not too. At first she hadn't protested, but once they had started sleeping together, she had stopped calling him Mulder and started calling him Fox. She always asked him why he hated his first name, he told her it brought up painful memories. Still, she never fully understood. Only one person understood him - Dana Scully. "Yes." He shook himself free of his thoughts, and pushed his glasses up. He looked at his fiance Niki Stewart, her long blonde hair framing her face, and her brown eyes twinkling at him. He had met her about eight months after he had first moved there; she was a reporter that had interviewed him after one of his earlier cases had been solved. She had asked him out to dinner and he had accepted. She was a sweet women, one that you could fall in love with. And that's exactly what Mulder did. He *did* love her, he knew that. But, lingering in the back of his mind, there were always those feelings for Scully. And questions of what could have been. "Which invitations do you like?" She held up the two they had narrowed it down to. "Either one is fine." She sighed. "You know, this is your wedding, too." "I'm really not very good at this," he said trying to reason with her. "The both look fine to me." "You know, if you didn't want to do this, why did you tell my mother you would help?" she whispered to him. She really didn't know why he was so out of touch recently. She had thought that maybe the wedding preparations would help; she was beginning to realize that maybe nothing would. Mulder didn't say anything, just stared straight ahead. Niki, not wanting to argue, picked out the invitation they would use. "We'll take this one." It was a classic style, gold writing on a pale white background. "Niki, if it's okay with you I'm gonna go for a run." He got up and placed a soft kiss on her forehead. "Sure." She motioned to her mother that she would be right back. She caught up with Fox in the bedroom. "Fox, is everything all right?" He pulled on his shorts and grabbed his Georgetown Hoyas hat. "Everything's fine. Why do you ask?" "It's just, you seem--so distant today." He got up from the edge of the bed and walked over to her. "Nik, I'm sorry, everything is fine. I'm just preoccupied with something. Just need a good long run to burn off some energy. Tell your mom I'm sorry." She nodded, and he darted out of the room. Mulder ran as fast as he could, away from the house that he had lived in since he moved to San Antonio. Away from his fiance. Away from his problems. He quickened his step and made his way to the park - there he could think. Think of what to do, how to get himself to stop thinking of Scully. He ran, thinking of things he could do to change the situation he was in. It wasn't that he didn't love Niki, he did. But was is it for the right reasons? Did he just love her because he couldn't have Scully? That was something he had to figure out. He turned the corner and sprinted at full speed towards the park. *************************** "He still loves her, Mom." "Who honey?" "His ex-partner, and no matter what I do, I can never change that." "What do you mean?" "What I mean is-- the wedding is off." "Honey, you can't mean that." Her mother moved her chair closer to where Niki was sitting. "Mom, I can't compete with her. It's hard to compete with a memory, especially of someone who is so blatantly important to him. It's not Fox's fault, I do believe he loves me. It's just that he loves her more." "Why do you say that?" "Because, Mom, no matter how hard I try he still thinks of her. I thought maybe with the wedding it would stop, but it just seemed to make it worse. I should have realized this sooner-- I guess I thought my love for him was strong enough to make him forget about her. I was wrong." "Have you talked to him about this?" "What's there to talk about? I am just glad I found this out now. This way we can break away clean with no attachments." She choked back her tears. Mrs. Stewart hugged her daughter tightly. "Whatever you decide to do, I will support you." Niki looked at her mom, she was such a strong women. She hoped she could be as strong when she told Fox it was over. "Thanks Mom." "When are you going to tell him?" "Tonight, or as soon as he gets home from his run. I just don't know how I am going to tell him." She was trying to hold back the tears welling in her eyes. "Niki," her mother said softly and wrapped her arms around her. Niki softly wept in her mother's arms, tears for what would never be. ************************ Mulder slowed down and walked over to his bench. He came here when he needed to think. he asked himself. He sighed and looked at the couples walking hand in hand around the park. He thought back to the last time he had seen Scully... 2 years ago Washington DC "Scully, I have something I need to tell you," Fox Mulder said. He had met her for lunch in one of their favorite restaurants. It was time to tell her about Niki, it was long overdue. He wanted her to hear it from him, not through the office gossip ring. And if he left it any longer that was sure to happen. "What is it?" He took a deep breath, "I'm getting married." There he had said it-- now wait for the reaction. "Congratulations," was all she could say. Her blank, expressionless face, though, told a different story; Scully felt ill, as if someone had hit her in the stomach. "Thanks. I didn't want to tell you this way. It just--happened." "I'm sure it did. Mulder if you don't mind I think maybe we should just skip lunch," she said getting up from the table. "Scully, don't do this." He grabbed her arm, forcing her to stop, to not walk away. "Do what, Mulder?" She looked at the man she had secretly loved for five years, and felt as if she was going to throw up. "Really, Mulder, I'm not feeling too well, plus I have a billion papers to grade." "Scully..." She gave him a soft kiss on the cheek. "Call me when the wedding happens. okay?" And walked out of his life. *********************** Present Day He had tried to call her several times, but he always got the machine, whether or not that was to screen her calls he didn't know. She never returned any of his messages; he had written her a couple of letters, but those never got answered either. It was through her mother that he had found out that she had met someone, too. The wedding was this summer. Mulder looked at his watch and noticed it had been two hours since he had left Niki. He started his trek home. By the time Mulder had gotten back, Niki had already packed some of her things. She just took the necessities, leaving the rest of her stuff; she would get it later. "Nik?" "I'm in here," she called from the bedroom. "Anyone call?" he asked as he walked into their bedroom. "What are you doing?" "Packing." "I see that, but why?" "We can't get married," she said as she continued to stuff her things into her suitcase. Mulder felt as if his world had crashed down around him. He always seemed to fail the people he loved the most-- he couldn't save Sam, couldn't save Scully, couldn't save his father. He couldn't make his relationship with Scully work, and now he had screwed this one up, too. "How come?" he asked softly. Niki looked up from her suitcase. "Sit down, Fox." He sat on the edge of the bed. "Look at me." Fox looked into her deep brown eyes. "I love you, I hope you know that." "Then why are you leaving me?" "Fox, as much as I love you, I know that you can never love me in the same way." "What do you mean?" Niki took a deep breath. "Fox, one day when I was home alone, listening to the radio, I realized that you still love Dana. I heard this song and somehow it hit me - you still love her and you always will. I don't hate you for it. It's better that we end it now, before we're married or there are kids involved." She walked back to her suitcase and closed it. "Niki, I'm sorry." She picked up her suitcase and walked over to him. "Don't be. We can't control matters of the heart." "Can I at least walk you out?" "It's better if I do it on my own." She kissed him on the cheek. "Before I go, I want you to listen to this - maybe it will make everything easier to understand." She handed him a cassette tape and walked out of the room. Mulder just stared ahead for a while. he asked himself. He played with the tape in his hands. He went into the living room, put the tape in the stereo, and pressed play. He heard a familiar voice. "Fox, this is the song I mentioned. Find her Fox, and tell her you love her." Then the song began to play. He doesn't talk about you That's how I know He'll never last without you This Romeo, he said goodbye without letting go He says theres nothing wrong here Ya but he paces to and fro And he thinks that I believe him That's how I know he said goodbye without letting go Ooohh when I feel like I'm living on the wrong side of the tracks I swear And if I have to live with only half a man Oh my future's looking black I ain't gonna settle for half a man who keeps on looking back Because I know he said goodbye without letting go Because I know he said goodbye without letting go I know As Fox listened to the song, he felt the tears in his eyes. He rewound the tape and listened to the song again. After it was over he got up and made two phone calls-- one to the airline and one to Mrs. Scully. ********************************************** Mrs Scully's house Annapolis DC Mulder pulled his rental car to the curb and got out. He made his ways up to the door, his heart beating ever so quickly. He approached the door and knocked three times. Margaret Scully opened the door, and threw her arms around him. "Fox, I am so happy to see you." "Whoa, Mrs. Scully," he said, laughing. "Its good to see you, too." "Come in, come in." She led him into the kitchen were she had some tea brewing. "Can I get you a cup?" He shook his head. "No, really that's okay - thanks." Motioning for him to sit down, Margaret sat on the opposite side of the table. Mulder clasped his hands together. "Umm--there's a reason I came here." "I figured as much. When you called and asked if you could come visit, I was surprised. It's about Dana, isn't it?" "Yes, it is. I need to know where she is. I phoned the last number I had for her, but it has been disconnected." "Well, Fox, she has had a tough year." "Is she okay?" he asked with an urgency in his voice. "She is now - a couple of months ago, I'm not so sure she was." "What happened?" "Fox, remember how I told you Dana had met someone?" He nodded, feeling the pain in his stomach growing. "His name was Peter Grawlen; it was a whirlwind romance, something I don't think either of them expected. I never did like him, though, Fox. He was always giving her ultimatums, always trying to control her." Mrs Scully paused for a moment, trying to compose herself. "He asked her to marry him and she accepted; they--as you know--were set to get married this summer. Then, about three months ago, Dana found out she was pregnant." Fox felt as if he was going to throw up. "She told him, and he wasn't too pleased. Seems he didn't want to have kids. So Dana left him - without his blessing, mind you. He phoned her every night, demanding that she return to him. Told her that, if she ever tried to leave him permanently, she would be sorry. He told her to get rid of the baby, but you know Dana, that's something she could never do." "Mrs. Scully, is she okay?" "She is now. About a month ago, she was attacked by him as she was walking back to her car from work. He beat up her so badly-- she lost the baby. Oh, Fox, she took it hard--losing the baby. She has been staying here since it happened." "And the guy?" "In jail. Thank God for her FBI training - she hurt him pretty badly. He got the full sentence, thirty-five years before he can be paroled; without her FBI connections he would have probably got less." "Probably," he added, quietly. "She's going to be home soon." "Can I wait for her? I mean, do you think I should?" "Fox, I think she needs you. She is okay physically, but emotionally she's a wreck. And to make matters worse, she heard through the FBI grapevine that your wedding was coming up soon." "Mrs. Scully, I'm sorry. If it makes any difference I'm not getting married." "Oh, Fox, I'm sorry." "No, it's really okay. I realized something--that I love Dana. Guess I always have." He shrugged and got up from the table. "Fox, why don't you go in the living room and watch some TV till Dana gets home? She should be here in few hours." "Thanks--for everything, Mrs. Scully." She got up from her chair, walked over to where Fox was standing, and put her arms around him. "Fox, it's good to have you here. Dana may be surprised at first, but I am sure she'll be happy to see you." "I hope so." He walked into the living room, and turned on the TV. He didn't really pay attention to what he was watching, though, too deep in thought wondering how Scully would react to him being there. Mulder closed his eyes and tried to sleep. ********************************* Dana Scully had just finished her last class and was heading home. The traffic was awful, and so was her spirit. It was getting harder and harder to wake up every morning, harder to just live. Since the miscarriage, her whole life seemed pointless. She said this to herself everyday - it made her feel a little better. What would make her feel even better, though, was if she had someone to love. How she wished she could go back, back to that day in the restaurant, the day Mulder told her he was getting married. She pulled up to her mothers house and noticed a car by the side of the road. She got out, and made her way to the house. "Mom? Are you home?" She was met with silence. She walked into the kitchen and saw the note on the fridge. Dana, Went next door for coffee. There's someone waiting for you in the living room. Be gentle with him, he has had a long journey. You both need to talk. Give it a chance. Love Mom. She looked at the note with confusion. Her heart froze - it couldn't be Peter, her mom wouldn't let him in the house. she told herself. She walked into the living room - and saw him. He was sleeping softly on the couch. "Mulder?" He awoke with a start, and went for his gun. "Mulder, no, it's me - Scully." "Dana, I'm so glad to see you." "What are you doing here?" "I needed to talk to you." "Shouldn't you be getting married soon?" she asked, nonchalantly. "That's what I need to talk to you about. Will you sit down?" He moved over and made room for her on the couch. Scully sat down, but not too close. How she longed to wrap her arms around him, to tell him that she loved him, but she just couldn't find it in herself to do so. "First off, I want to say I'm sorry for all you have gone through. You should have called me, Dana. I would have helped you." "Mulder..." "Wait till I'm finished, okay? Secondly, I'm not getting married." "Oh-- how come?" "Lets just say, my heart belongs to another." "Well, Mulder, whoever the lucky lady is, tell her I'm happy for her. Now, if you'll excuse me." She tried to get up from the couch, but was pulled back down by him. "If you'd let me finish, I could tell you that my heart belongs to you." Dana was speechless - she had longed to hear those words for a long time. "Well, are you going to say something? Or are you just going to stare at me like that?" He smiled at her - she still looked as beautiful as always. "Mulder, I don't know what to say." "Say you love me too. That you never want to leave my side. That you'll be my love slave." He gave her his goofy grin, one that she loved. "Just say something." She got up from the couch, and this time Mulder let her. "Mulder, it's just that-- I've changed, so much has happened." "I know. Your mom told me." "Figures. The whole experience changed me, Mulder - I'm not the same Dana Scully you knew." Mulder walked over to where she was standing by the fireplace. "Look at me." He cupped her chin with his fingers and tilted her head up. "Dana, you could shave your head, gain 50 pounds, become one of those ladies who plays bingo all day. Well, maybe not the bingo. What I'm trying to say is, you will always be the Dana Scully I love. Nothing will ever change that." She smiled, "I could, could I?" "Dana, you don't know how much I wish I could go back, and make it so that I had never left you. I should have demanded that I stay in Washington, but there was so much going on - I didn't want to push it." "I know," she closed her eyes and whispered, "I wish you had never left, too." "You do?" "Yes, I love you, too, Fox. Always have, always will." He brought her in close to him, slowly wrapping his arms around her. Bending down ever so gently, he pressed his lips on hers and slowly kissed her, savouring every second of it. "Good to hear," he said softly. She smiled softly. "I love to see you smile." "It feels good to smile - it's something I haven't done in a long time." "Dana, if you'll have me, I promise to make you smile everyday of your life from now on. I know it's going to be rough - we've both been through so much. But all I know is that I can't foresee any future without you. At least, not one that I will be happy in." He kissed her again, and held on to her tightly. "Fox, I do want you-- I also know that it's not going to be easy." "We can make it work, if that's what you want," he whispered in her ear. "I want to make it work, I just have fears. Fears of what will happen. Will you..." "Will I what?" "I just don't want you to leave me." "Dana, I will never leave you." He brought her back over to the couch and held her close to him. "Promise me that." "Dana Katherine Scully, I promise never to leave you. No matter what happens, whatever obstacles we encounter, I will always be here for you, with you - to love you." He kissed the top of her head. "You know, we should have done this a long time ago." Dana smiled. "We should have." She leaned into Mulder's chest, and they sat on the couch for a long time, neither wanting to leave the other's arms. The End Please send all comments to canadianchick@home.com