DISCLAIMER:  i do not own these characters.  1121 ;) or something like
that does.  i mean them no harm.
CATEGORY:  MSR (what other kind is there?)
TIME SPAN:  take your pick, but it was inspired by the great rift that
supposedly didn't exist.  this is a tribute to the third season.
SUMMARY:  this should explain it:  i owe randy travis a big tribute.
i'm using his song "This is Me" as inspiration.  If you've heard it,
you'll understand the story...if you haven't...you will when your read
the lyrics.  i hope. 
AUTHOR'S NOTES:  my roommate listens to randy travis 24-7.  she thinks
he's the best...right up there with george strait.  i went to bed
about an hour ago, and that song popped into my mind.  i couldn't
sleep without writing this story.  let me know what you think.

**********************
This is Me (1/1)
by Kris

     Fox Mulder sat in his office, head buried in his hands.  This
was it,  his heart was being wrenched out of his chest.  He'd
arrogantly thought that he had endured all the pain he could handle,
that after all he'd seen and been through, nothing could hurt him any
further.  But he was wrong.  As sure as he drew in his next breath, he
knew he'd never be the same again.  He'd lost her.  Sure, he'd felt
like he'd lost her before.  But those times were different from this.
Before, he had somehow always known that she'd be back, that she was a
part of him...and he was a part of her.  Even when she had been
missing, he had felt the connection.  Now, he no longer felt it...and
he no longer felt whole.  

     Where had they gone so wrong?  Had they honestly been so
arrogant as to think that nothing could tear them apart?  Had he?
Mulder knew now that he had been the one to mess up.  He had never
appreciated Scully...that beautiful red hair, those magnificently blue
eyes that never lied to him.  She had put everything on the line for
him...and he'd taken it all for granted.  People always said you don't
know what you've got until it's gone.  Now he knew firsthand the truth
of that statement.   

     She had been slipping away from him for so long.  At first, he
hadn't even noticed.  She'd been more impatient with him, but he'd
thought she was just tired.  She had seemed fed up, but that was
understandable.  Everyone got fed up at some point.  Scully was the
strong one.  Mulder had always thought she'd pick herself back up and
dust herself off, then she'd be back with the self-contained energy
and warmth that was all her own.  But now he knew he'd just been
kidding himself.  Somewhere along the way, he'd lost her.  She'd
become disillusioned--with the world, with herself...and with him.  He
should have seen it coming.  He *would* have seen it coming, if he
hadn't been so self absorbed.  And now that he thought about, she'd
tried to tell him so.   

     That night, on that rock.  He'd never forget it.  Her voice
had been so empty, her usually bright eyes almost seemed dead.  What
had she said?  That he would end up getting himself killed and
bringing everyone else with him?  Or had she said everyone who cared
about him?  Not that it mattered now.  She was beyond being able to
care anymore.  He'd driven her to it.   

     They had been sitting there, just like a thousand times
before, in his office arguing over a recent case.  Mulder had been
making flippant remarks the whole time, in between trying to get a
rise out of her.  Finally, he'd pushed her too far.  She had just
snapped, or so it seemed.  Her entire being seemed to seal itself off,
away from the rest of the world.  Away from him.  That last bit of
light she'd been so gracious to let him be privy to had died.  And for
the first time in four wonderful years, he'd been alone again...in the
dark. 

     Mechanically, she had stood up and walked past him, stopping
at his desk, placing her hand on the cold wooden surface but never
meeting his gaze.  "I can't do this anymore, Mulder," she had
whispered.  "I just can't."  Then she'd walked out.  Out of his life
for good.  She hadn't said so, but Mulder just knew.

     He lifted his head and started rummaging through his papers.
It had to be here somewhere.  Locating the form he was looking for, he
started filling it out.  Never had he imagined he'd be asking them to
transfer Scully out of the X-Files.  But he had to.  For her, he'd do
anything.  Even if it meant giving her up.  All he knew was that he
never wanted to hurt her again.  What had it been that made her close
herself off from him?  When had they stopped talking?  Finished with
the form, he knew there was one more thing he had to do. 

     An hour and a half later, he dropped the heavy envelope off at
Scully's front door.  She'd find it.  She probably wasn't even home
from her office yet. 

                                 ******************

     Dana Scully drove aimlessly through the streets of D.C.  She
felt like crying, but the tears wouldn't come.  Never in her life had
she felt so alone.  It had been building inside her for so long, that
she had barely recognized what it meant.  Now, she felt utterly
dejected...something she'd never felt before.  But what was a person
supposed to do when she realized that she could never have the one
thing that would make her whole?   

     Sighing, she parked her car and dragged herself up to her
empty apartment.  Noticing the envelope outside her door, she absently
picked it up and let herself in.  On autopilot, she changed out of her
suit into scruffy old grey sweatpants and a cropped white t-shirt.
Fastening her hair in a hasty ponytail and washing the makeup from her
face, she glanced down at the envelope.  For the first time she
noticed the handwriting on the front.  She'd know that handwriting
anywhere. 

     Her heart pounding, though she didn't know why, Scully opened
the envolope and poured its contents onto the counter in front of her.
There were two papers and a cassette tape inside.  One paper was a
form to transfer her out of the X-Files division.  All it required was
her signature...just below Mulder's own.  Hands trembling, she looked
at the other piece of paper. 

     In the same handwriting was written a short note: 

          Scully,
     If anybody deserves happiness, it's you.  You are the most wonderful 
     person in the world.  I should have realized a long time ago that this
     is what you wanted, what you needed.  But I was selfish.  I wanted
     your strength, *needed* your strength for myself.  I didn't want to
     let go.  Now, I hate myself for what I've done to you, what my search
     has done to you.  You've lost enough for me; I won't let you lose 
     yourself.  Just please, don't completely shut me out.  Whatever it 
     takes for you to be happy again, I want you to do it.  Wherever, 
     whatever your new life is, I hope that I can still be a small part of
     it.
          All my love,
          F. Mulder

     Scully felt the tears begin to build behind her eyes as she
slipped the cassette tape into the player, her hands trembling.  As
the slow, heartwrenching music began, she ripped up one of the papers
and sat staring at the other.  This was it, what she'd needed all
along. 

"Lately I get the feeling
There's a feeling that you're holding in.
Why do you keep your distance,
As close as we've been?
Do you think your silence is saying
There ain't nothing wrong with you?
This is me...
You're not talking to.

This is me...
The one who knows you inside out;
The one you've leaned on til now.
Don't you know I'm still here for you?
So what do you think you're doing?
Who do you think you're fooling?
This is me...
You're not talking to.

You can run to me,
No matter what you're running from.
If it's something I'm doing,
I'll get it undone.
Just don't let me be a stranger
To what you're going through.
Hey, this is me...
You're not talking to."

     Scully jumped up from the couch, tears beginning to well up in
her eyes.  She grabbed a bag from her luggage closet and started
throwing stuff into it.  Grabbing the bag and her keys, she closed the
door behind her.  The rest of it could wait.  
     As she started the car, she closed her eyes and whispered,
"Thank you, Mulder."  Then she drove away, certain her new life was
waiting for her. 

                                 *********************

     Mulder walked through the park, watching the children playing,
couples huddled on benches.  This was life.  And it was passing him
by.  No, that wasn't true.  His life had walked out on him a couple of
hours ago.  The hurt had to go away sometime.  Who was he kidding?  It
would never go away.  But if, sometime years down the road, he heard
she was happy, it would lessen.  He just had to give it time.  Slowly,
he turned towards home. 

     As he flipped on a lamp, Mulder noticed the goldfish floating
at the top of the bowl.  Scully had always told him he'd be better off
getting himself a pet rock.  He had to smile at that...she'd even
bought him a moon rock once.  He'd taken one look at it and laughed.
"Go ahead," she'd said.  "Give it a name.  You'll never have to feed
it...you won't even have to clean its bowl."

     He'd named it immediately.  He'd taken one look at it and
said, "I think I'll name it Rock.  Yes, that seems fitting."  She'd
given him a look that would have wilted a lesser man.  But what she
didn't know was that 'Rock' had a permanant place in his bedroom...on
the table next to Scully's picture. 

     A knock at the door brought him back to the present.  Opening
the door, what he saw took his breath away.  Scully standing there,
tears streaming down her face, suitcase in hand.  "Hi, can I come in?"
she managed. 

     She looked so beautiful to him, no makeup, hair in a ponytail. 
"Taking a vacation?"

     She shook her head.  "No.  I decided you were right.  I need a
new life."

     Mulder felt his heart drop completely out of his chest.  Then
he steeled himself.  "You deserve it."

     Scully gave him a funny little smile.  "You're right.  I do."
Then, without thinking, she flung herself into his arms, silent tears
soaking the front of his shirt.

     Mulder held onto her as tightly as he could.  He'd only held
her like this once before.  He sank into the couch, pulling her into
his lap.  If this was the right thing, why did it hurt like hell?

     After a few minutes, she disentangled herself from him and
stood up, wiping the remaining tears away.  She picked up her
suitcase, then put it back down.  "May I use your bathroom first?"

     Mulder nodded, unable to speak for the lump in his throat.  He
just stood there, wondering what was taking her so long.  His head
jerked up as he heard the bathroom door open again.  

     Blinking, Mulder tried to form the words.  But he was, for
once in his life, without a flippant remark.  "Scully...??..."  She
was standing there, hair now freed from its ponytail, wearing nothing
but one of his dress shirts. 

     Mulder cleared his throat as she walked towards him.  She
picked up her suitcase, then retreated back into his bedroom.  He
followed her.  Finally finding his voice, Mulder spoke questioningly.
"Scully, what are you doing?" 

     "I told you, Mulder, you were right.  I deserve a new life,
isn't that how you put it?  I deserve to be happy?"  She dropped the
suitcase down into his closet.  "Savor it, Spooky.  That's the only
time you'll ever hear me admit that you were right."  

     Mulder thought that surely he was misreading things.  Then he
felt Scully's arms reach up and pull his forehead down to rest on her
own.  "Don't tell me you're going to go back on what you said, Mulder.
You said that you wanted me to be happy, whatever it takes.  You said
'all my love'...didn't you mean it?"  

     Her breath was hot against his face, and he could feel his
body slowly coming out of its coma, responding to her...only her.  "I
don't know if I understand, Scully."  

     "Well, what do you think this means?"  She ran her tongue
lightly over his lips.

     That was all Mulder needed for encouragement.  He was being
offered a piece of heaven, and he sure as hell wasn't about to pass it
up.  His hands flew to her face, dragging her up on tiptoe as his lips
collided with hers insistently.  How long had he wanted to feel those
full lips beneath his own?  Kissing her harshly, then softly, then
harshly again, he let his hands stray into her hair.  

     Scully wasn't idle herself.  She let her hands slip down
around his back, feeling the muscles under her fingertips.  She felt
the tension drain out of him, only to be replaced with a new kind of
tension.  This was right.  He was right.  *They* were right.  They
always had been.   

     When Mulder broke the contact with her lips, she felt cold and
started to panic.  Then she felt his lips on her neck, her jaw, her
eyes.  Relaxing, she worked the t-shirt quickly over his head, not
wanting to be separated from him for a minute.  

     As if he sensed her desperate urgency to be near him, Mulder
wrapped his arms around her, lifting her up and drawing her closer.
Scully instinctively wrapped her legs around his waist, pulling his
lips to hers again.  Mulder sat down on the bed, enjoying the feel of
Scully so close to him.  Breathlessly, he pulled back so he could look
at her eyes.  What he saw there almost scared him.  She was back, and
she looked so happy, so full of life.  But he had to know for sure.
"Scully." 

     "Mulder."  Scully looked seriously into those gorgeous hazel
eyes. 

     "I, well, Oh, God, Scully."  She moved against him, and he
almost forgot what he was going to say.  "Please.  Just let me say
this.  I-I love you, Scully.  I never thought I'd have the chance to
say.  But you gave me the chance.  You've given me everything...and
what have I given you in return?" 

     Scully traced his jaw with her fingertip. "Hope. Trust. Faith.
Courage. Love."  Each word she punctuated with a small kiss.  "But
more than that, you gave me yourself.  That's all I've ever wanted,
all I've needed.  Knowing you were still there for me today, that
song, it made all the difference.  You made it okay for me to love
you." 

     Mulder felt a little delirious.  Dana Scully could *not* have
just said she loved him.  He started to panic, old fears rising up.
"I'm not what you need.  You deserve so much more than me, than my
search." 

     "Nope," she said, nibbling his ear, "I deserve to be happy,
remember?  You make me happy.  And for the record, your search has
been *our* search for a long time.  We both want the truth, justice."
She returned her attention to  his lower lip.  She'd always thought
that lip looked irresistible. 

     "Scully, this is *me*."  Mulder cupped her face in his hands.
"You know there's no halfway for me.  You know I border on obsessive.
This is *me*," he repeated.

     She smiled, a long slow smile.  "I know.  And that's a relief.
Because it's you I want."  Wrapping her arms around him, she ran her
fingers through his hair.  "I brought enough stuff to last the
weekend.  But after that, you'll have to go help me sort things out."

     Mulder looked a little dumbstruck.  "You're...You're moving
in?" he asked increduously.

     Scully laughed out loud.  It was a healing sound, for them
both.  "Well, you said I needed a new life. That I could have any life
I wanted.   Didn't you notice my suitcase?"  She pressed closer to
him.  "I've always liked your apartment.  It's so...cozy.  Of course,
that old couch of yours, it  definitely has to go."  She rocked a
little, loving the reactions she could get from him.

     With effort, Mulder tried to put up a fight.  "But I love that
couch.  I practically sleep on that couch every night of the week."

     Scully pushed him back onto the bed and undid the drawstring
to his sweatpants, pushing them down.  "Mulder, from here on out, let
me assure you that you will have no need to sleep on the couch.  But
don't worry, we'll put it to good use before you have to part with it."  

     For the first time, Mulder noticed that she wasn't wearing
*anything* under that shirt of his.  He swallowed hard.  "Okay,
Scully, the couch goes."  He quickly flipped over reversing their
positions.  "But that ugly green chair of yours, it's outta here."

     A protest formed on her lips, but Mulder silenced her with a
kiss.  "Don't worry, Scully.  We'll bid a proper farewell to *every*
piece of furniture we don't keep."

     Scully smiled up at him.  "Why Agent Mulder, I do like the way
your mind works."  

     He groaned as she pressed up towards him.  "Scully, at the
moment, my *mind* isn't working at all."  

     She winked at him.  "That's okay.  Just as long as the rest of
you is."  

     Burying his face in her neck, Mulder managed to say, "I love
you so  much, Dana Scully.  You don't know how I felt when you walked
out of my office earlier."  Even to his own ears, his voice sounded
dangerously close to tears. 

     Scully hugged him reassuringly.  "Yes, Mulder, I do know.
Believe me, I do."  As the tears filled her eyes again, she couldn't
help thinking that she was going to like her new life quite a bit. 

************
end
khughes@msms.doe.k12.ms.us
or hughekd@okra.millsaps.edu

so...too icky?  you *know* i'm not good with the mushy stuff.
but i tell you, it *had* to be written.  now, finally, at 4 a.m.  i
can sleep. let's hope the aardvark leaves me alone tonight.