From raquelm@support.ucla.edu Mon May 19 20:30:18 1997
Subject: EP> VRA - Souls (1/1)
From: Raquel Montoya <raquelm@support.ucla.edu>
--------
Title: Souls (1/1)
Author:  J. Chiprich
Email address:  ipomea@msn.com
Category: VRA
Rating: G
Summary:  A continuation of Elegy
Timespan: Fourth season/ definite spoilers for Elegy

Hey, everyone.  Hope you enjoy this one.  Let me know.  I love to hear
from 
people.

Disclaimer:  Here we go again.  None of these great characters from the 
X-files belong to me.  They all belong to Chris Carter, 1013 productions
and 
the Fox Broadcasting Company.  They are used without permission.  No
copyright 
infringement is intended and no profit is being made from their use.


I'm crying.

I'm crying and I can't stop.

Dana Scully's thoughts echoed in her head, sounding and resounding until
it 
was all that she could hear.  
She gasped for breath in the stifled air of the interior of the car.  She 
tightened her hands of the steering 
wheel until her knuckles were white and she lost feeling in her fingers.  
Scully couldn't stop her body from 
shaking with the force of her sobs; she couldn't stop the flow of her
tears.  
She hadn't moved since she had 
seen the soul staring at her in the rear view mirror, calling to her, 
beckoning her to the beyond.   Not again, 
she thought; never again.

I need Mulder.  She gasped out her thought to the silence that was
surrounding 
her.  I need his strength; I 
need his support.   She nodded through her tears.  I wasn't lying when I
told 
the councilor that I rely on 
him, that I always have.   But I don't need his doubt.  He doubts me.  He 
doubts my integrity toward him.  
He doubts my honesty, my ability to level with him.  Doesn't he
understand?  
Doesn't he see?  I'm selfish 
with my pain.  I don't want to share it.  This is my trial; this is my cross 
to bear.  He has his own.  The 
moment that I give him my fear, my tribulations, he will cease to be a
person 
separate from me.  Fox 
Mulder would become my other half; the half without which I couldn't
exist.  
But his lack of vision, his 
faintly veiled anger at me, hurt me.  Dana closed her eyes to listen more 
intently to her inner voice.  He hurt 
me.  

Dana forced herself to breathe more slowly.  Trying with each breath to
draw 
more volume into her burning 
lungs.   The tears, however, would not cease.

Fox Mulder emerged from the building, walking at a fair clip.  His anger at 
himself, at Scully, was under 
tight rein.  And the hold that he had on his temper spurred him to walk a 
little faster.  The black trench coat 
that he wore billowed out behind him.  He started to turn the corner of the

building to get his car when his 
eyes fell on Scully's car.  She hadn't left yet.  He could see her sitting 
behind the wheel.  Anger drove him 
forward to her car.

Dana was silently going through mental relaxation techniques when she
heard a 
sharp rapping on her 
window.  Upon opening her eyes, she saw Mulder gazing at her through
the 
glass.  She reached down under 
the steering column to turn the car's ignition.

"Don't."  Dana caught Mulder's muffled cry.

She shook her head and went to start the car again.  

"Damn it, Scully. Don't." She turned to face the man in her window.  

He reached down and opened the door.  Dana flinched inwardly.  She
had never 
seen her partner this angry 
and trying to hide it.  "Get out."

"Mulder, I would really like to."

"Get out of the car, Scully."

Scully slid out of the seat and stood up to her full height.  Friend, or no 
friend, this man would not 
intimidate her.  She brushed her hair back behind her ear, cocking an
eyebrow 
at him.  "What do you 
want?"

Fox Mulder shut her door behind her and leaned against it, crossing his
arms 
across his chest.  He nodded 
his head once to the side, looking off into the middle distance.  "I want to 
know why."

"Why?"

"Damn it, Scully.  You're a smart girl.  Don't play dumb with me.  Why are
you 
keeping things from me?"

Dana chewed on the inside of her cheek.  Her tears hadn't completely
abated 
and there was a threatening 
wetness tugging at the corner of her eyes.  "I'm not."

"Yes, you are.   What did the doctor tell you."

She nodded.  "Mulder, I told you, I'm fine."

Fox Mulder uncrossed his arms and moved to her.  He could tell that she
was 
upset.  Very upset from the 
look of her eyes.  "Scully.."  He leaned down into her space and grasped
her 
chin in his hand. "You are not 
fine.  You have cancer.  An inoperable, untreatable cancer."

Dana tried to pull back out of his grasp, but his hold was firm. 

"Scully, I don't want to feel pain, but right now, what I want isn't an 
option.  You are my partner and my 
friend; I need to know about your health.  I can't help you if."

Scully wrenched herself free from Mulder's hold and stepped back
several feet. 
 She quickly brushed at her 
eyes even though there were no new tears.  "If what, Mulder.  What are
you 
going to do?  Snap your fingers 
to call upon the Great Spirit?  I feel fine."  

Fox shook his head.  "No. No, you don't.  The Dana Scully I know wouldn't
cry 
in a parked car."

"How do you know?" she gasped.  "Most of the times that I have cried in
parked 
cars were when you 
ditched me."

Fox's expression on his face changed from anger to concern.  His eyes
drifted 
from her eyes to settle on her 
nose.  No. She thought, not here, not now.  She gingerly raised her hand
to 
her lip and it came away bloody.
Quietly, she reached into her pocket and drew out a tissue.  She gingerly 
dabbed at her nose, avoiding 
Mulder's gaze.

Mulder, for his part, leaned back against her car and crossed his arms
over 
his chest.  Biting his lip, he 
stated, "That makes two nose bleeds in as many days, Scully."

She nodded.  She folded the tissue and touched it again to her upper lip.  
Still blood.  

"They're getting worse, aren't they?"

She nodded and folded the tissue again.  Scully dabbed at her upper lip
again. 
 Still more blood.

Mulder stood quietly, gnawing on his bottom lip some more.  Dana
repeated the 
ritual several more times 
with the same result.  The flow of blood was not stopping.   Scully's
hands 
began to shake slightly.  This 
had never happened before.

Fox pushed his way away from the car to come over to her side.  "Here
use 
this." he said, plaintively and 
handed her a kerchief.  She gazed over the top of the piece of material to 
catch his eyes.  He sighed lightly; 
her gaze was intense.  The blue of their depths both challenged and
implored 
him.  They were asking him 
not to treat her differently, to maintain the strength of their partnership.  
At the same time, they were crying 
out to him for help, for comfort.  Silently he slipped an arm around her 
shoulder and led her to his car, 
parked not that far away.  "I'm taking you to the hospital.  You've never
had 
this problem before.  We're 
going to get you checked out."  He tucked her into the passenger side
seat and 
ignored her glare.

Dana shifted in her seat and dabbed at her lip again.  The flow had
stopped.  
She heaved a sigh of relief and 
focused her glare on her partner as he slid behind the wheel.  "It's
stopped, 
Mulder.  We don't have to go.  I 
have an appointment for tomorrow; I'll get it checked out then."

He shook his head and started the car.  "Now."

"Mulder." she started, the tones of her voice low and menacing.

"Let me do this, Scully.  Let me help you.  You need It." he did not meet
her 
eyes as he guided his car 
around the corner.  "I want to help you."

She sighed and looked out the window.  He was in his Mulder headstrong
mood.  
She wouldn't be able to 
get through to him; might as well go along for the ride.  Dana shifted and 
turned her eyes to her partner.  
His hands were nearly as white as hers had been gripping the same
wheel only 
minutes ago.  His eyes were 
half closed in anger, in fear, as he concentrated on the road in front of
the 
car.  He was nervously fondling 
his lower lip with his teeth and tongue.  She lowered her gaze to her
hands 
that were gripping the kerchief 
in her lap.  She owed him some truth; it was time to give it to him.   "I saw 
Harold." She whispered.

Fox started at her low voice and for a short period of time he didn't
realize 
what she had said.  "He's dead, 
Scully." He said, his voice calmer.  Then, as the realization hit him, he 
slowed the car.  "You mean, you 
just saw him, Scully, don't you?"

She nodded, her eyes still lowered.  

"What do you think it means?" he asked, returning his eyes to the road,
trying 
desperately to remember 
where the nearest hospital was.  

She brought her eyes back up to study his profile.  "Well, if I believe the 
truth that you think about the 
situation, it means that I am dying.  It means that I am close to death, just 
like all the other people that we 
have seen during the last few days.   That's why I kept it from you; I was 
trying to keep it from myself.   
That's what I'm afraid of. "

Mulder nodded solemnly, turning onto the street with the hospital.  "I told 
you before: that's what I'm 
afraid of too."

"But."

He held up a hand, meaning it as a signal to keep her quiet. "As for you 
believing it, Scully, I only want 
you to believe it if that is what you feel is the truth.  What I mind, is that 
you want to keep your questions 
and your doubts from me. we can't function as a good team if I can't tell
what 
to believe from you.  Our 
friendship is based on respect and on reliability; I understand your fear,
but 
as a friend, I beg you to let me 
in."

"Do you believe it, Mulder?" she asked, as he stopped the car outside of
the 
emergency entrance.

"I hope not.  But let's get you checked out so we know for sure."

"Mulder." she laid a hand on his arm as he moved to get out of the car,  "I 
want to let you in.  Really, I 
just . don't. know. how to do it."  She lowered her eyes again, unable to 
stand his hazel gaze.  "I told 
the councilor that I relied on you immensely.  You know I do.  I have come
to 
view your friendship and 
your support as my refuge of strength, a place to where my soul goes
when it 
needs refreshing.  The energy 
that you emanate out could power a small city; it helps to keep me going
on 
the bad days.  Your 
intelligence is superb; it challenges me to keep going, even when I want
to 
give up.  Everywhere I turn in 
my life, you are there to push me, to spur me on, to support me.  Save
one 
area.  That part of my soul, my 
being, where my pain resides, where my fear hides; the part of me that
curls 
up on the couch in the dark 
and cries; the part of me that has already begun to say goodbye."

Mulder had stilled during her soulbearing.  He put a hand on her shoulder
now, 
as much to encourage her to 
continue as to give himself grounding.  She continued again, reassured
with 
his grip.

"That is the part of me that I like to describe as the lost child.   It is the 
only part of me that I never let you 
see.  Unfortunately it is the part of me that is the dominant one now.   It's 
the part that needs you 
desperately, even though it knows that it is not a great thing. to need your

partner that way."

"What way, Scully?"  He moved his hand from her shoulder to tilt her face
to 
meet his.  

"Like a woman.  I need you to be the man, the one that holds me and
comforts 
me.  Protects me.  The very 
things that I can't allow."

His eyes softened.  "Why?"

Dana looked at him with an incredulous look.  "Because you are my
partner.  
Because it is against the 
rules."

"Scully. Dana, we are more than partners and have been since day one. 
You are 
my best friend.  And 
since when have we followed the rules?"

"You mean since when have YOU followed the rules."  She shyly
fidgeted her 
fingers.  "It's more than that 
though, Mulder.  You are everywhere in my life.  If I let you into the last 
part of me that there is, well." 
she sighed,  " I'll not be able to let you go.  I'll need you too much.  That 
part of me will break down the 
rest of me.  I need to keep this part separate, for the both of us.   So we 
can function.  In order for that to 
happen, though, sometimes I have to keep some things from you."

Fox sighed,  "Like tonight with the visions.  And what your doctor really
said 
about your tumor."

Dana nodded.

He turned to look out the window. "That is unacceptable.  I can handle it,
you 
know.  I can handle having 
to comfort you and hold you.  Protect you.  Hell, it might even help me.  Do 
you know how it makes me 
feel when you have a nosebleed, when you lose weight, and you tell me
that you 
are fine?  I feel like 
crying, like punching the wall.  I need reassurance too.  We would
probably 
function at a higher level if you 
let me do for you what you need.  Besides, you know I like honesty; I
crave 
it.  I couldn't trust you if I 
know that you are hiding things from me. "

"I trust you, Mulder.  I just want to be able to do my job properly.  I can't 
do that when I want to be in your 
arms and relying on you to chase away the demons.  I need you to trust
me, 
that this is the right thing.  That 
I won't keep things from you that are important to the cases that we deal 
with."

He shook his head and turned back to face her, and saw the fresh tear
tracks 
on her face.  "The job is not all 
you have in your life, Scully."

"And this comes from the man that has no life." She smiled sadly.  "What
a 
pair we are."

He returned her grin, and reached into the back seat to grab her purse.  
"Let's get you inside and get this 
taken care of."

She shook her head viciously.  "I want to finish this.  Now."

"Okay, what else do you have to say?" he settled back in the seat.  "Are
you 
going to tell me about some 
other things that you have kept from me?" the question sounded harsh in
his 
ears and he tried to soften the 
blow.  "You know, you don't have to worry that I'll think you are fragile; 
you're human."

She sighed,  "I hope that would remain true."

"Let me give you some proof, Scully.  I mean, that is what you always
need, 
proof.  Come over here."

She eyed him cautiously.  "What do you mean."

He looked at his watch.  "It is 2 am, Scully.  Our case is over and we are 
off-duty.  Come over here and let 
me hold you.  You can finish telling me what you need to that way."

She shook her head, "Mulder."

He slid over on the seat and turned her around gently.  She gave no 
resistance, he noticed with a sigh of 
relief.  Once she was turned around facing her window, he slid his
hands 
around her waist and pulled her 
against his chest and then slid back to his side of the car.  With some 
jiggling, he adjusted the seat back so 
that he could turn in the seat also.  He leaned against the door and settled

his arms in a lose embrace around 
her middle, positioning her between his legs, one of which was bent
against 
the seatback and the other was 
bent to the floor.  "Okay, Dana.  Talk."

She was silent for a moment, savoring his warmth.  Dana slid her hands
down to 
touch his arms and at her 
touch, his arms tightened.  He was trying to give her what she needed. 
The 
gesture that he was offering 
shamed her.  As much as it was against the decision she had made to
keep that 
part of her soul hidden, she 
found that it was coming to the surface.  She heard her voice from a
distance, 
sounding like a little girl's, 
spilling her guts to him.  "The doctor said that it was mastisizing.  The 
tumor.  He said that it was only a 
short period of time before it would breach the outer layer of the 
cerebellum." Tears started to form in her 
eyes as she tried to keep it objective.  "Between the two of us, we
estimate 
that I have maybe two or three 
months tops.  Then it will all go downhill.  It may be a month beyond that 
until it will kill me."  

His eyes slid shut against the pain that her words brought to him.  Mulder 
tightened his arms until Dana 
was crushed against his chest.  He could feel the heat of her tears as
they 
fell on his arms.

"I have so much to do, Mulder.  I want so much out of my life.  It's not fair 
that they took this from me."  
She let the tears fall.  "I should be ashamed letting you hold me like this.  
This really isn't what."

"Hush." He said, firmly but in a quiet voice. Fox lifted her slightly, by 
shifting his arms and turned her so 
she was facing him, pulling her back into his embrace.  It was not the
most 
comfortable position for him, 
but it would do.  

"Truth hurts, doesn't Mulder?" she sighed into his chest.  Dana let her
hands 
rest against his chest, playing 
with one of the buttons on his shirt. 

He sighed in return.  "Yes, but at least I know what is happening, what is 
going to happen.  What I am up 
against."  He tilted her face up to meet his gaze.  She looked small and 
childlike, resting against his chest.  
He felt protective, loving.  "We'll figure out something, Scully.  You won't 
die.  I promise."

She laid a hand against his lips, shaking her head.  "Face it, G-man.  It is a

distinct possibility that I will 
die.  And soon."

He moved her hand from his lips and held it against his chest.  "I hope not.
 
But no matter what happens, 
Dana, I want you to understand that I don't mind doing this.  I don't mind 
holding you.  Anytime you need 
it, day or night, I want you to call."  He leaned forward, stretching his 
neck.  Gently he touched his lips to 
hers.  It was just for a second, and it was so light it was a ghost touch.  
"I'm here.  I'm not going to go 
anywhere.  Let me help carry the load.  I feel the pain whether you let me
do 
this or not.  It's easier, though, 
if I am with you in our pain.  We can rely on each other.  The truth might 
hurt, but between the two of us, 
we can deal with it."

"Are you saying you'll come over when I'm scared to sleep in case I don't
wake 
up?"

He nodded.

"Will you understand when I just walk over to you and take away a file
and ask 
you to hold me?"  He 
nodded again.  She continued,  "You understand that I'm going to need
you, 
Mulder."

He smiled gently.  "It's nothing new, Agent Scully.  You have always
needed 
me; you just haven't always 
realized it.  But yes, I understand."

He released his hold and smiled again as she shimmied away from him. 
"I've 
always needed you too, 
Dana."  He opened his door and stepped out.  Scully straightened her
shirt as 
he came around to open her 
door.  

He gave a hand to help her out of the car and started across the
pavement to 
the brightly-lit emergency 
room entrance.  She smiled at his actions,  "You know, people will say
that 
we're in love."

He nodded, "Then they'll be saying the truth.  You and I both know it. 
We're 
just to stubborn to admit it."

"Not to mention self-absorbed and blind." She added.

Mulder stopped at the door and pulled it open, letting the light from inside 
spill out onto the pavement.  
"Let's both find out what exactly is going on here with you and then I'll
take 
you home.  Hold you for a 
little while longer, whisper in your ear and tuck you into bed.  Partner 
accompaniment optional.  Tomorrow 
you can be Dana Scully, G-woman, and continue to put me in my place
and saving 
my ass."

Scully smiled and laid a hand against his set jaw.  "Thank you, Mulder.  I 
need this."

He gently urged her through the door.  "I know; I need it too.  We can keep

this manageable.  We're still 
the same people; no matter if I hold you at night or not.  We can still do our

jobs.  It will just be entwined 
souls instead of two individuals doing the search."

They stepped inside and the door slid shut.


the end.