From @ Mon May 05 01:52:44 1997 Subject: fannyfic (part one) From: "Scully in her Grade 12 moire taffeta prom dress" -------- Well allo allo allo!!! Tis a fine web that Mr.Carter has woven, no? I mean Scully... Cancer... waking up in the middle of the night coughing and bleeding and all alone.. Oh its enough to break a poor ‘shipper's heart!! And we all have heard by now that "Never Again" will have a whole new side of our holy Saint Scully, lady of the autopsy bay, mainly the "your place or mine" side *Aeslehc shutters* Well okay truth be told I am kinda psyched at seeing her get some for a change and of course Jodie Foster's talking tattoo... [my friend Nej's tattoo talked to me once when I was drunk but it wasn't Jodie Foster talking back...:oP ] well ANY WAYS... I felt the need to write an untainted view of my version of Never Again, done before viewing the actual episode. Yes she does do it but a) there's no Clarisse talkin' tattoo ("are the lamb's screaming Clarisse?") and b) I have grasped the immense UST romance opportunity that I KNOW Mr. I'm-losing-my-touch-and-selling-out-the-fans-in-interest-of-profit (oh you know who you are surfer boy) so without further ado, here's the fanfic!! Enjoy!! Also this is written under the pretense that Never Again will keep with the time line although it's episode 12 and Leonard Betts was 14.. So I'm confused!! Category: SRA Rating:NC-17 for graphic description of post-rape trauma Summary: A ‘shipper version of "Never Again" (written before viewing it) MAJOR spoilers for "Leonard Betts" and "Never Again" you know what? I'm sick of disclaimers... these characters need to be taken away from CC and Fox because they aren't playing with them right... the fans know how to treat their Moon Goddess and Hairdo Boy, so why bother with a disclaimer anymore... [can you tell I'm fed up? Something tells me most of you all out there are fed up too] Never Again? By Aeslehc Nametab Cancer. Scully lulled the word around her mind over and over and over as to force it to sink in. I have cancer.... cancer.... cancer.... But still her mind refused it. It said "Dana Katherine Scully doesn't have cancer, don't be stupid." Another part of her the medical doctor said "She's in denial, common reaction to finding out your going to ..." well even that voice couldn't say it. And another voice a very tiny small fragile inner soul voice cried out in such emotional desperation "Mulder!! Mulder!! Help me Mulder please.. I need you Mulder, please..." That voice seemed to be the easiest to shut out to squash down. "I don't need to bother Mulder about all this, I don't need his sympathy, him feeling like he has to protect me. I'm a big girl I can take care of myself." SHUT UP!! It wasn't working anymore she needed something to shut the voices up... she looked around her apartment for something anything. She found an old bottle of Chianti and some fava beans, some lettuce, avocados, carrots... "Kind of ironic I spent all those years eating so healthy while I had cancerous cells growing in my body...." she thought with a bitter twist of the mouth. She knew there was nothing there to subside her inner battle and so she went out into the night, not bothering with her coat even in the chilly DC air. She wandered down to her car, wearing nothing but a thin little black sweater and her old black cords.... she looked at her attire briefly and thought she looked like she was heading for a funeral, then winced at the sick pun of her words. She drove around for a while, the cold air from her walk down to the car worsening her cough causing her to hack so harshly blood stained her fingers from her phlegm. This gave her a rather unthought of idea as she stopped for gas. She went into the small kiosk and bought a pack of cigaroos, rum tipped like Ahab would smoke when ever he would return home from a long trip away. She sat in her car and lit up the thick brown cigaroos and sucked it down, the smell filling her with all those memories. " I suppose the good thing is that I'll be seeing Missy and Ahab soon" she thought half heartily, the little solider Starbuck rearing her head. She finally found alittle bar on the edge of DC, small rather dirty looking low lights and swanky music playing from an ancient jukebox. "Well" she thought "the old Dana Scully would never dream of setting foot in a place like this, but she wasn't fighting cancer either." She got out of her car and went in. She walked up to the bar and ordered a rum and coke and sat rather sullenly. "God I'm almost Mulder-esqe" she thought a wrier grin on her face, then her stomach twisted in the emotions she felt when thinking of him. What was she gonna say? She knew in all her womanly intuition that that man depended on her for so much of his mental and emotional stability. Before she had lovingly carried the duty and bore it well. But now the burden weighed heavily upon her and she dreaded it with her whole being. She thought of having to tell him, seeing him feel the guilt, blaming himself for ever bringing her into this line of work and putting her in the position where she could get abducted. She would have to be there for him, help him through the guilt and loss be there as he cried out his hurt and abandonment. And what of her? As much as she cared for Mulder she knew that he rarely thought of her feelings, how she would take things. She too needed to cry, this time she needed and wanted so badly to crawl up in his arms and cry out her loss and frustration and fear and abandonment and betrayal. But she couldn't... she was Scully she had to be the strong one. But unfortunately the strong Scully had cancer just now and she was too weak to be herself. She could already feel the weight of everyone's combined disappointment upon her shoulders. As she contemplated all this her face began to show her worry, as her shoulders unconsciously slumped. She smoked a few more cigaroos til her lungs almost closed up on her and she began to hack to the point of dry heaves. That was when she felt him. He put a gentle hand on her back and began to rub her between the shoulder blades, which helped her coughing quite considerably. She smiled shyly in embarrassment and thanked him quietly. Through the haze of the 5 or 6 rum and cokes she has just drank, she looked up and saw only one thing in this kind man's face, Mulder. "Are you okay ma'am?" he asked in a nice male voice so filled with concern and unselfishness. "Oh? Oh, um, I'm ah fine thank you" she stammered out. "You know you should watch those cigarettes, you sound like your on the way to lung cancer" he said jokingly and she managed a fake masked smile at the irony of his statement. "You have no idea." she murmured under her breath. He stood for a moment looking at her. She looked up slightly confused as why he was just standing there and then realized what he was waiting for. "Oh! Oh my god, Jesus I'm so sorry here please have a seat" she felt herself loosen up abit from the affects of the alcohol. She smiled rather sweetly at him and thought to herself in her drunken mind "my, doesn't he look like Mulder" Her new companion got her talking and took an interest in her concerns, something that she missed so much with Mulder. What she didn't notice in her increasingly vulnerable state was that he kept her glass full until she had drank an unmeasurable amount and her judgement was complete gone. By this point she was calling him Mulder and crying to him, telling him she was dying and she was so scared. He played the role, responding to her and speaking in sweet caring concerned tones. "Oh Mulder.. I'm so scared... I-I don't wanna die alone Mulder... please don't let me die alone Mulder." she began to blubber like a child her salty tears pouring down her face, sobs catching in her throat. "I wont let you die alone I never would do something like that to you. How about I take you to my place and you can sleep beside to me okay? So you don't have to be alone when you wake up coughing" "Oh Mulder...." the tears poured down her cheeks and she leaned over and buried herself in his arms crying in his neck. "Mulder" lead her out to his car and buckled her in and drove her to his place. He helped her walk up to the door and fumbled for his keys. "Wait a sec Mulder... this isn't your apartment" She said as he opened the door. He pushed her in and locked the door behind them. "No shit, bitch." he shoved her to the couch and pushed her down. She began to fale in confusion. As he began to tear her clothes off and savagely scratch and paw her body she cried out in agony, tears falling on her face and screaming out in an emotion filled voice "Mulder!" Mulder!" The man took the back of his hand and bashed her face. "Shut the fuck up you little cunt" She realized what was happening that this wasn't Mulder, but some stranger who was going to rape her. But she was so weakened, so ashamed that she as an FBI agent who was laying there totally weak and defenseless. She laid there as he tore her open and whimpered over and over "Mulder... Mulder.." She wasn't sure when she finally passed out or how long she had been out for. All she knew was when she woke up she was back in her car in front of the bar, the daylight blinding her. Her clothes were rather messily put on her, the crotch of her pants torn open and her underwear gone. She sat in her car, shivering from the strain of it all, crying into the arm rest as absolute pain wrenched her body. She cried for what she knew to be a very long time for when she finally looked up twilight was settling. Suddenly a new fear overcame her. The thought of her attacker returning to the bar this evening gave her the adrenaline rush she needed to sit up and start the car and pull outta there. She drove home slowly, tears clouding her vision as the sobs never seemed to end. As she drove all she could mumble was "Never again, never again." Part Two: He hadn't been able to sleep all night. Well not that sleep always came easily to him , but last night he had the worst feeling of uneasiness, several times swearing he heard *someone* call out his name. He went into work still feeling this feeling so acutely, as well as having sharp pains through his abdomen and stomach for some reason. When she was fifteen minutes late he was mildly annoyed. At half hour he started to worry . By that after noon he was frantic. He knew something was wrong. He had called her home phone as well as her cell phone an uncountable amount of times and there had been no answer. He went to her apartment finally around 2 and found her car gone as well. He got back in his car and started to drive around looking for her her car for anything. He had been worried about her since the Leonard Betts case a few days prior. Since she had to capture Betts she seemed out of it, even in the car she was just sitting there dazed. He couldn't figure out why , he thought she should have been exuberanted after such a fight. But ever since she had been with drawn not even getting much paper work done. She would just sit at her desk, staring sometimes out into nothingness, and occasionally at him. It had happened quite often that he would look up from his paperwork feeling watched and find her cool blue eyes looking at him for a brief second with such intensity but look away before he could read it anymore than that. But he honestly hadn't thought of it all that much. She's just going through something, he had thought. She's strong, she'll wade through it, besides she'd just snap at me if I tried to help. * Scully shakingly entered her apartment and went over to the bathroom after locking the door after her and retrieving her gun from her dresser drawer. She took it with her to the bathroom and placed it on the counter then began to run the hot water full blast till the entire room filled with a thick moist steam. She got in ripped clothes and all and peeled them off her body after she washed the blood off them then threw them in the garbage bin beside the toilet. She then curled herself up in a ball in the corner of the tub as the searingly hot water beat against her, drawing her knees up to her naked chest and sobbing in the water. She felt so dirty like she had filth caked on her skin. The taste in her mouth, a combination of stale cigaroo smoke and rum, became too much and she vomited the small contents of her stomach all over herself. It was too much she thought this is too much this is all too much.... * He had driven around for hours now ans still no sigh of her. He hesitated against putting out an APB on her not wanting word to get out of her sudden disappearance. He decided to go back to her apartment and wait for her there. When he pulled up to the building he felt his insides burst with relief when he saw her car parked there. He practically ran to her apartment and pounded on the door. When he received no response he used his key and went in. "Scully?" he called out. He heard the shower on and realized she was in there. He went in the direction of the bathroom to tap on the door and tell her he was there when he got the biggest shock of his lifetime. He rounded the corner of the hall to find Scully, naked and dripping wet, standing with her gun drawn and directly pointed at his face. But her nudity revealed not arousing features but a tale of the horror inflicted on her the night before hand. His eyes flickered over her bruised and bashed body, her bloody lip, black eye, swollen jaw, her shoulders and upper torso black and blue with bruises and covered in deep bleeding cuts. But what was the most disturbing was the extremely obvious tear in her crotch that bled down her leg and onto the carpet. He could smell a pungent sour smell about her as well, vomit, and he could see bits of regurgitated food stuck to her arms, face and in her matted bloodied hair. "Oh sweet Jesus" he said before he could think. He felt like someone had jabbed him in the gut like the wind had been knocked out of him. Scully kept the gun trained on him until her blurred eyes finally recognized the man in front of her. "M-Mulder?" she asked unbelieving. "Oh Dana...." he felt like his whole world was shattering before him. This was it, this was the uneasiness... his beautiful incredible Scully.... to be treated so violently... She realized that this was no dream that it was truly the man she had been begging for all night. She dropped the ground and began to weep again her swollen, bleeding lips crumpling up in childish blubbering, her chin quivering as she wept into her hands. He, without thinking of her current state of undress went over to her and gathered her thin naked body into his warm arms and clutched her to him shhing her and lightly stroking her hair. "Shhh, its okay baby.. Its alright Dana... I'm here, your not alone anymore" these words sent a chill through her thin frail body. He realized how cold she must be and knew she needed some of what was left of her tattered dignity. He bent down and picked her up in his arms cradling her close to him and carried her into her room and laid her down very carefully. He reached down to the end of the bed and brought a blanket up to wrap her in swaddling her in it and holding her so close to him. He smoothed the hair off her face and lightly ever so lightly kissed her forehead. She clung to his shirt with a death grip like she would never let go, her sobs now whimpers in his neck. He looked down and realized that the blood that had been pouring down her leg was now staining the blanket. "Dana, sweetheart" he spoke so softly and with such concern "We have to get you to the hospital. Your bleeding hunny." She only clung to him tighter and he heard her mumble in a child like tone in his neck "no Fox no...." "Dana... hunny.. I cant take care off you especially not there...." he stroked her face softly to draw her eyes up to his. What he saw in the depth of hers would haunt him to his grave. It was like a lost soul gazing up at him as if he were an angel, a golden savior. He realized then that she needed his strength. He immediately took control of the situation from her, too her unto him as she had with him countless times. "Okay sweetheart.. How about I go with you? I'll stay with you through the entire thing okay?" "You promise you wont leave?" her voice was so fragile that it frightened him. He held her tight and kissed her forehead again. "No Dana, I wont ever leave you." Part Three She had endured it all as well as she could, the probing and examining by the nurses and doctors, the x rays and cat scans and blood work. But through out it she said nothing. They would ask if she wanted to talk about what happened to a counseling she would shake her head vehemently and refuse, then seek out his eyes, to assure herself that he was really there, and draw strength from his very presence. Once she had all her wounds stitched up they gave her a mild sedative and something to settle her stomach and put her in a private room. He had tucked her snugly into the bed, lightly stroking the hair off her face until her heavy eyelids shut with sleep. Just before she dozed off she sought out his hand, took it into her scarred one and raised it to her lips, kissing his fingers lightly. Mulder felt his very insides tear at this act and closed his own eyes to hide the tears that were threatening. The doctor came into the room once she had dozed off and requested to speak to him outside. He gently leaned over her to assure she was asleep and kissed her forehead again before following the doctor. "The injuries where severe from the rape. The vaginal tears were immense and quite deep as were cuts and scrapes on the rest of her body. We have tested her for STDs, HIV and pregnancy and those results should be returning within the next 24 hours." Mulder rubbed his temples and sighed thinking off all the possibilities that could be born from the horrible event... "Now she has refused counseling but she seems to feel like she can trust you, so are you willing to help her through this? You mentioned you're a trained psychologist." "Yes," she said with determination "I'm afraid that in our line of work we have had to learn to depend on one another quite a lot." "Line of work? Oh do you work together?" "Yes we're partners." "Oh I'm sorry the nurses and I just assumed that you were together, as a couple I mean." Mulder thought about this for a moment, of how everyone at the bureau assumed they were involved. Maybe if I had been there for Scully last night this would have never happened, he thought. "Now as for the police..." "We're FBI agents, I can handle all that in due time. I'll just take the hair and fiber samples you were able to get from her and deal with this once she is able to tell me what exactly happened and where." "Well once again, Agent Mulder I'm very sorry. Its obvious this woman means a lot to you, and this perhaps has to be one of the most painful things she will ever go through. My suggestion to you is gentleness. She may find it difficult to trust anyone's gentleness after this yes, but you have the ability to prove to her that you mean it. I better let you go back in there with her." "Thank you again Doctor." Mulder had difficultly keeping his eyes dry during this, feeling the pain he knew she would have to face in the oncoming months so acutely. As the doctor turned to leave he quickly stopped Mulder. "Oh and as for her cancerous growth, I've already arranged for a cancer therapist to come and see her. We couldn't find a record of any past visits..." "Pardon?" Mulder was unsure he heard what exactly the doctor had said. "The cancer's growth on her lymph nodes." "What?" "Are you unaware that Miss Scully is suffering from the advance stages of cancer?" * He sat back down at her bedside and watched her sleep soundly, her chest rising and falling with each breath. He really hadn't even realized he had tears on his face until he tasted them in the corners of his mouth. He only had one thought. Cancer. He knew this was from her abduction. He remembered when she had told him that one time about those MUFON women who had been abducted and suffered from cancer. He also remembered how he had essentially brushed her off when she had told him, too preoccupied with his own concerns. God how many times had he done that to her? She must have been terrified when she found out about this. He realized now why she had behaved so oddly since returning from the Leonard Betts case. He must have been the one to tell her, attacking her for her cancerous cells and all this time she had had to deal with it alone. And was she really ill? He started to realize that she had been coughing quite a lot lately. He had thought that it was just a cold, but he realized now that those coughs had been horrible hacking fits, sometimes she even had to leave the room and go to the bathroom after, presumably to vomit. He looked at her body outlined by the thin hospital blanket and saw how skinny she was getting, unhealthily so. And those dark circles under her eyes, when had they become so prevalent? Where had that glow, that sheen, gone from her skin that made her look so healthy? Now her skin was sallow, pale, like cold lifeless marble. Dear God, he thought, how could I be so blind? So selfish? So cruel? He was a horrible man to disregard her so much. He knew now why she didn't want to tell him about the cancer. She probably figured he would blame himself make it all about him, while she lay dying..... Dying.... Dying... Scully was dying.. He put his head in his hands and began to weep feeling his world crumble at the thought of this woman leaving. How was he supposed to go on with out her? What mattered with out Dana? Not the X files, not even Samantha. Even the truth he had search so desperately for and that had blinded him to her needs, her pain. He knew the truth now. He had finally opened his eyes to it that day in her hospital room. He had looked up and seen her face, as if it were the first time he had ever really seen her. He saw her very soul and he realized that this was the truth. Dana Katherine Scully was his truth, his life. He realized then that he loved her beyond anything he had ever felt before. It wasn't lust or attraction it went eons beyond that. It was an all encompassing love that overcame everything. He sat up on the edge of her bed and ever so carefully, like she was made of glass and would shatter if he moved to roughly, too quickly, gathered her thin, frail little body up into his arms, held her close to him and began to cry into her hair. He wouldn't let her die, he refused. Not now, not until he was ready to let her go. He would protect her and repay her for the loyalty and love she had shown him over the years they had been together. He made this his mission as he took her small hand into his and kissed her fingers as she had with him, then laid the hand to his face. "You're not alone anymore Scully, not now not ever. I promise you" * She was initially confused when she first awoke, feeling herself wrapped in a man's rather strong arms. Her first reaction to this was fear, and she whimpered slightly and flailed abit in his grip. This caused Mulder to awaken and calm her, lightly stroking her cheek and shhing her. "Baby, shhh its me, Fox. Its alright, I won't hurt you." She felt soothed almost instantaneously and curled up in his arms again tucking her face under his chin and grasping onto his shirt tightly. She sighed lightly, contentedly at the feeling of safety she so desperately needed and burrowed into him some more. He stroked her back and smoothed her hair as she held tightly to him, both of them silent for a few minutes enjoying the comfort in the intimacy. "Dana...." he said softly "I know.. About the cancer." He felt her stiffen in his arms and he immediately started to caress her arms and back to soothe her fears. "It's okay... you don't have to fight it alone angel... I won't let it take you from me. We'll fight this together like we always have. You get better from this and let me help you get strong and we'll fight it, we'll find out how this all happened and find a cure..." He heard the softest sobbing muffled in his neck and held her tightly feeling tears in his own eyes. "Oh Fox... thank you... I-I was so scared, so alone... that was how all this started... I was just so alone and I needed you so badly..." "Well you have me now angel... for whatever you need I'll be here... Do you want to tell me what happened?" "I.... I will but later please. I just want to think of good things right now.... of you... and us... the future." He could tell by the slight drawl in her voice that the sedatives were still at work and she was dozing off again. "Fox... talk to me... tell me... tell me... about the future, our future... because I love you Fox..." "I love you too Angel..." he felt his throat tighten with emotion at hearing her say those words to him. He took a moment to compose himself and then began to weave the scene. "So what do I see? I see you and I in 10 years... in a big old house out in the burbs out in Maryland... I bet you'll be AD by then and I'll still be in the basement." "I'd never leave you for anything." she said so softly he had to strain to hear her. "I know baby I know... okay so we're still down in the basement... two Agent Mulders will get confusing won't it? And the house in the burbs I see little kids running through it... oh Dana, you'll make such an excellent mother..." "You'll be an excellent daddy too." again came the soft voice filled with the slightest bit of maternal pride. "How about 50 years from now... we've grown old together.. Sittin' on the front porch in our rocking chairs, gumming down the apple sauce." "Yeah right" "We'll probably still be pushing our walkers around the basement by then. Covered in grandchildren..." He went on talking and she listened intently to the low rumble of his voice vibrating in his chest against her ear and felt herself dozing off again. She thought about the other nights she fallen asleep crying and alone and softly mumbled as she dozed off in his arms "Never again...." GOOD GOD DAMN!!! Well that there be good shit if I ever saw it !!!! Oh mind candy pure and simple.... Oh yes and btw this is dedicated to ME and ME alone.... I recently realized the best man is the written one who you can make do what a woman wants, But in the mean time I suppose the other cheeseheads walking around will haveta do for when women feel like some fun... ;o) --------------------------------------------------------- Get Your *Web-Based* Free Email at http://www.hotmail.com ---------------------------------------------------------