Subject: ***Revised*** Matters Of The Heart II (1/2) by Dx From: dxscullyxx@aol.com (DxSCULLYxx) Date: 25 Jan 1998 22:03:56 GMT TITLE: Matters Of The Heart II AUTHOR: Dx CATEGORY: SRA(H) RATING: Strong R (STRONG!) SPOILERS: 'Never Again' SUMMARY: Scully reads Mulder's diary... what more needs to be said? DISCLAIMER: Not mine, never will be, just borrowing, don't sue. (What? Not creative enough? It's the *story* you're supposed to be interested in.) DISTRIBUTION: Anywhere. Let me know where first though, 'kay? FEEDBACK: God... would begging be of any use? I need feedback on this one *desperately*. NOTES: Okay, so here's part 2. Enjoy... (Wishful thinking? ) xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Matters Of The Heart II by Dx ______________________________________ Scully couldn't quite believe what she had just read. Mulder's diary? She didn't even know he kept a diary. He didn't seem the type. Scully felt the stinging ache of remorse at the back of her throat. She hadn't meant to read it. It had just happened. She didn't realize what she was doing until she had finished, and then she couldn't tell whether or not she should feel guilty. But she felt guilty nonetheless. Scully had made the journey over to his apartment to speak with him, to work out what happened this morning at the at office, to apologize, to accept his apology, but chiefly to see how he was. He may have been attempting to hide what he was feeling, but she could see the tears already begin to form in his eyes as she left him there. Not to mention that had been some blow to the head he'd gotten. She was genuinely concerned. When he didn't answer his door she began to walk away. She turned the corner and headed towards the elevator. Then she thought of how badly he'd been affected by the bang on the head at the office, and was consumed by visions of him lying unconscious, choking to death on his own vomit; or bleeding from the nose and ears after a brain aneurysm. She panicked, sprinted back to his apartment and fumbled around in her purse for the set of keys he'd given her. When she finally located them amongst the array of papers, make-up, wallet, credit card booklets and her personal weapon, she hastily opened the door and entered his apartment, calling out for him. No reply. She turned on the lights and scanned her surroundings for any sign of his presence. He wasn't on the sofa - where he usually slept. She figured that maybe he'd finally learned what a bed was for, and made her way into his bedroom, finding it vacant. She decided to try the bathroom. She just hoped to God he wasn't taking a bath or anything and found him in the nude. Not that she'd particularly mind seeing him naked... it was just not what the poor boy needed right then. Well, he wasn't in the bathroom either. He'd gone out. Where? Scully didn't know or particularly care. She was just praying he was okay and wasn't doing anything stupid like going out and picking up some bimbo to satiate his sex-drive. She wasn't quite sure if she was hoping that for his sake or her own. She dumped her bag and coat on the sofa and took off her shoes. Now that she was here, Scully wasn't planning on leaving until Mulder got home and they'd worked this out. At least this way if he did arrive home with a woman he'd only just met she'd be able to save him from making a mistake. Unless they decided to go back to her place... She didn't want to think about Mulder with another woman. But Scully knew why she was feeling this. She had known for a long time. She was in love with Fox Mulder. Asshole he may be but she couldn't help but adore him. What woman could resist that puppy dog expression and those eyes - the cool, sharp intimidating green and the soft, warm, rich, bottomless liquid brown that she could induce in him more often than she'd ever seen anyone accomplish? She had been more than a little surprised to hear him tell her that he hadn't been to bed with a woman in over two years. He got plenty of offers, she knew that. Scully had certainly noticed the admiring looks thrown his way, of course, whether Mulder had noticed was another matter entirely. Still, Scully knew how desirable her ass of a partner was. She had been in the ladies' room once and had overheard a conversation between two women. She was positive she recognized one of the voices, but couldn't quite place it. At first she hadn't realized who they were talking about until: "His parents sure named him right. Fox, jeez, that man's just sooo hot. What I wouldn't give for a spin with the spookster." Scully had nearly collapsed in shock. "Yeah," Another continued "I'm with you there. But it might not be as impossible as you think." "Oh really?" "Yeah, apparently the guy's been through more women than J.Edgar Hoover did lacy panties. Last I heard it was Jen McKormic who got the honors. Apparently he's so good she had to have her bedroom wall re-plastered because of the damage the headboard made!" "Hmm. I wouldn't mind testing the resilience of my plasterboard with him. Do you reckon he's had his partner yet?" "Krycek! Is he bi or something? Hey cool, if he is maybe Pete'll let him join in our Tuesday evening 'let's try something new tonight' sessions! " "Amanda! He's back with Scully now. They've been working together again for the past couple of months. He's been kinda promoted to head of division too." "Oh, I didn't hear that. I thought she was still up in Quantico. Anyway, in answer to you question - no. He's too close to her. I don't think he'd screw her. From what I hear of him he can't handle proper relationships. He can handle the sex juuuuust fine, it's just the emotion that comes with it." Scully now sat thinking about that day, and wondered how bullshit like this got passed around. It was quite obvious to her that Mulder hadn't had many relationships of any kind lately. And neither had she. The reason for that fact? The biggest reason she could think of - Fox William Mulder. She had just had a kind of fling with Ed Jerse. He'd seemed like a nice guy, he was incredibly attractive. A little like Mulder now she thought about it. He had a better nose, was quite substantially shorter, not as dark, but he had a similar athletic body... okay, he was considerably more muscular than Mulder, but she liked her men somewhat willowy. Not that Mulder was willowy, he had an impressive physique. A nice body that didn't look like he spent his life down at the gym flexing his biceps for all the ladies. Mulder also had better eyes, and it was eyes that attracted her to a man more than anything. She'd slept with him, Jerse that is, before she even understood what she was doing. One moment she'd been looking at his tattoo, the next she was on the sofa and he was up her like a rat up a drain pipe. Her first screw in three years and she'd had to fake it. The poor guy was trying to hold back for her, but she could tell he was getting her nowhere. It just wasn't really doing anything that much for her, and she'd begun to daydream about Mulder. Then she felt guilty because, well, surely he couldn't be as bad in bed as Ed was! Scully got exhausted of all the tiresome rubbing and had made the decision to end it, put them both out of their misery. Afterwards she just sat and thought about what she'd done. The guy had practically raped her. He hadn't asked, just jumped on her. But he was really sweet about it when she told him she didn't really do this kind of thing with virtual strangers. He'd let her sleep in the bed on her own taking the sofa himself. Then, of course, he'd tried to kill her. How unlucky can you get! Not very well hung, crap in bed, and a homicidal maniac to boot. Well, that wasn't entirely fair. It was Betty, the tattoo, who was the homicidal maniac, not Ed. She sighed, god she led a sad life. She needed a drink. So she padded through to his kitchenette, opened the fridge and took out one of many bottles of Budweiser. Frohike's favorite, not Mulder's. He preferred Michelob, of which there were only six bottles so she thought she'd better take one from what was quite obviously the Frohike collection. She snapped off the top of the bottle of Bud against the counter - Mulder had taught her something at least - and began to saunter back through to his living room. She liked Mulder's apartment. She felt comfortable there. It was... well it was so Mulderesque. The leather sofa, the furniture to match the rich dark tones of the woodwork; posters framed in the same shade wood hung on the cream-colored walls; the fish tank - empty until he recently replenished it with a collection of beautiful fish (which were no-doubt doomed to the same fate as their predecessors - starvation). Files, CDs, shoes, even a few shirts were strewn lazily about the place, and a collection of videos were set aside from the video rack. She was just about to go and inspect the somewhat extensive collection, maybe put one on out of curiosity as to just what Mulder attempted to satisfy himself with.. The thought of Mulder having a good old jerk off made her want to puke. She knew he probably *did* do it, why else would he have the collection of Porn videos? She knew most people masturbated, she even did it herself. She *was* only human. But Mulder waxing the porpoise was nearly as bad as the thought of someone else doing it for him. Nearly, but not quite... She began to inspect the titles of the Tapes - 'Women in uniform'... She had been planning to select one that sounded vaguely interesting. One that hopefully wasn't full of women sucking on each others' plastic enhanced breasts... Just as she stood up she noticed a thick Legal Pad lying open on his cluttered desk. She recognized his flamboyant yet strangely neat hand-writing immediately and postulated that it must be case notes or something of the like. It wasn't until she got closer to it that she realized it was his journal. She couldn't, could she? It would be invading his privacy if she read it. She was ready to resist the temptation, until she saw that he had left it open on today's entry... Scully was overrun by curiosity. What exactly had he thought about today? What had been going through his mind? She knew what had been going through hers at the sight of him standing before her with his pants stretched taught over the hard-on that she had provoked. She nearly had nearly thrown herself at him, burying him to the balls right then and there on the desk in front of every hidden camera and bugging device that may be witness. At least she would have if he had just admitted how he felt instead of screaming at her and hurling insults and injurious comments. Scully knew he hadn't meant a word of what he said, so she would really like to know exactly what he had wanted to say. She couldn't help herself and perched on his computer chair, ready to read. She took a long swig of beer and hunched over the book, taking in all the information. The first page didn't really give her much consequential material to work with, but she had to laugh at the way his writing style was so different to the way he expressed himself outwardly. Scully was the only person he ever used the phraseology found in his diary with. And that was only when he was *seriously* pissed... or half drunk. She sniggered at his statement over his thoughts on her choice of physical punishment. His idea of an appropriate castigation - for her to cause irrevocable damage to a certain part of his anatomy. She continued to read, becoming a little impatient to find a depiction of what he had actually been feeling - until she began to read about his views on the events following his accident and when he'd collapsed into her arms after a violent bout of vomiting: "I was still letting her hug me. Then I realized I was enjoying the gentle strokes of her palms over my face, neck and back a little too much. *Way* too much. I could hardly feel the pain in my head and chest anymore, my senses were fully focused on her gentle touches. She smelled so good too, that distinctive sweet-fresh aroma she has. I could feel myself slipping away into another X-rated daydream again." Scully's head swam. This was... crazy. Either she was crazy, or the poor bastard needed help. The thoughts that were going through his mind as he pulled away, as he attempted to argue with her... Scully felt her breath quicken when she read what his reaction had been when she had walked towards him, invading his space. It had been the wrong thing to do. Her eyes widened at what his mental response had been to her question of whether he found her attractive, and she gasped when she read "It took all my willpower not to lift her up, tear off her clothes and screw her senseless." "Oh Jesus..." She said out loud as she turned the page and realized why he had said what he did. He loved her. He loved her. Mulder loved her. It was written there in black and white, (Well, blue and white) but still she couldn't believe it. Mulder *loved* her? *MULDER* loved *HER*? HE LOVED HER?! "Oh God Mulder..." She felt tears begin to form in her eyes again "You poor naive--." "Scully?!" Scully's heart leapt into her throat, sprinted out of her nostril, had a bit of a seizure on the desk and collapsed in a heap on the floor. Mulder was back. ======================== End part 1/2 SEE PART 1 FOR DISCLAIMER ================================= She quickly turned her head to be confronted with the barrel of his FBI standard issue Smith and Wesson 1076. He lowered the gun. "What the hell are you doing here?" His voice was cold, so incredibly cold. "I..." She began, then realized it was obvious she had been reading his diary. "Oh Christ, Scully. NO! You didn't read that. Please tell me you didn't!" He stormed over to his desk and snatched the bulky legal pad away from her. "I'm sorry Mulder..." "Dammit Scully you had no right to read that. It has nothing to do with you." He held the closed book to his chest, as if he was hugging it, protecting it. He looked like he might actually hit her, but she wasn't intimidated by his size. She threw her arms around him, tightly enveloping him in an embrace. "Why did you never tell me you stupid *fucking* asshole?!" She yelled. "How could you keep that from me?! What did you think I'd do?!" "Scully.." His voice was softer, and she thought she actually felt his barriers break. "Oh shit, Scully..." "You BASTARD!! You let me think you didn't care. When all the time you fucking LOVED ME!" Her throat burned. ""I can't believe you were feeling that way about me all that time and you never told me..." She ran her hands up and down his back, through his hair. "Why?" He collapsed to his knees, taking her with him. Mulder sobbed softly into her hair, "Don't speak, Scully." He hugged her more tightly to him. "Let me explain. Just don't speak until I've finished." "In a minute Mulder. I have something to say first." "Don't tell me you love me too, Scully. I don't need that right now." "What do you need?" She tilted her head to look at him, her eyes full of promise. "Am I mistaken or are you coming on to me Scully?" He asked with a small smile. "No." She smiled back, then touched his lips with the tips of her fingers, "But I am now." "Don't." He let go of her, retreating to the sofa. She moved to kneel before him. "Mulder..." "Why do you think I didn't tell you Scully?" He asked, brow furrowed. "Because you're scared." She knew the answer because it was the reason she had never told him "Because what we have together is the strongest and most important relationship of your life and you don't ever want to lose that. You were scared because you didn't ever want to face the threat of rejection from me. Because if you lost me you don't know what you'd do." Her voice faded off towards the end when his gaze lowered from hers. "I...I don't know what to do, Scully. I don't know whether to kiss you or kill you for reading something you had no right to." "Kiss me." She whispered. His eyes shot open wide. "No! Ohhyaggggghhh! Jesus, why didn't I get myself castrated at puberty?" Scully ignored him, and took his hands in hers. "Will you answer me? I think I deserve an answer, Mulder. Why didn't you tell me?" "I was scared of losing you." He admitted. She chewed her lip. "I had no idea..." "So now you think I'm an imbecile, huh? A complete flake?" "No." She moved closer to him, "Of course I don't." "Really? That's funny. 'Cause I feel like a complete asshole." "You are. But only because you never told me." She smiled at his expression of stupefaction, then took his face in her hands. "Don't, Scully." He gulped as she moved onto his lap. "Ssshh," She stroked his face, rough with a day's stubble "Don't you understand, Mulder? " She felt the overwhelming urge to call him sweetheart or darling or anything like that... but Mulder would probably run for the hills. "I've been wishing you felt like this about me for so long. I feel the same. Mulder, don't you understand? I love you too." He gulped again, "Please don't do this, Scully." He slid her off his lap onto the couch next to him, burying his face in his hands. "I don't want you to offer yourself to me out of sympathy or guilt, Scully. I'm not too hot on pity fucks. I don't need that from you." "I don't do sympathy sex, Mulder." "Are you offering me sex, then Scully? Is that what this is about?" "I'm not *offering* you anything. What I give I expect in return. I want you Mulder. I want us...I want...I want to be your partner in every sense of the word. In work, in life, in bed, in love." Mulder couldn't take all this in. "That's bullshit Scully. You don't want me." "How do you know what I want?" She forced him to look at her by deliberately placing herself in his line of view. Dangerously close to his face. "I know what you don't want." "How?! You never take anytime to listen to me. To notice me. To notice that I have feelings, and needs and--" Then he kissed her, capturing her head in his hands and pressing her to him. He had caught her by surprise, and she didn't respond, she was too shocked to. "If you wanted to, you would have kissed me back, Scully " He said, still holding her head in his hands, his mouth so close to her that she could feel his breath on her face. "I know you would have." "You..haven't been drinking..I thought.." She was breathless. He released her, dropping back against the couch with a sigh. "I forgot my wallet. I came back to get it." "Was that an attempt at deterring me Mulder? Because if it was...well kissing me like *that* was no way to go about it." He didn't reply. "Mulder. You can't fault me for not responding. It took me by surprise. What point exactly were you trying to prove?" "I just proved that you were spewing bullshit at me. You don't want me. Never have, never will. And you certainly don't love me!" "Unlike you?" She asked. "That's beside the point." He stated quickly. "You're right, the point being that you were just trying to prove to yourself that nobody could ever love an arrogant bastard like you. That little demonstration was in no way for my benefit." "You know me better than that." He snapped. "I know you well enough to see that you're scared. I also know myself well enough to know that you have nothing to be scared about. I want this as much, if not more, than you do." "Want what?" Mulder whined. "This isn't fair, Scully. You know how hard it is for me to say what I feel." "You don't have to say anything." Scully didn't allow him the time to even think about a retort, she kissed him. Softly brushing her lips over his in a small chaste kiss. It took him a moment to register what was happening, but he began to kiss her back, pulling her body towards him, enveloping her with his warmth. "See..." Scully mumbled as she straddled his thighs, resting her legs either side of him. "What did I tell you?" His lips parted, and she gently slid her tongue between them, marvelling in the taste of him. The metallic taste of saliva mingled with the slight saltiness of... sunflower seeds? It could only be. With a low groan he opened his mouth wider to her, teasing her tongue with his and running a hand through her thick auburn hair. Scully removed his heavy leather jacket and shrugged out of hers, the room was just getting warmer by the second. "Dana, we don't have to do this. It can wait." He whispered, his mouth moving against hers as he spoke. "Shut up." She nibbled on the full curve of his bottom lip, nipping the soft, moist flesh then replacing her teeth with her tongue, soothing any bite marks she may have left. Mulder's mind was reeling as he let his body take the lead. His tongue darted into her mouth again. Could he let it happen? Could he allow himself to make love to Dana Scully? Scully knew exactly what he was thinking, and reassured him that at least one of them knew what they wanted by hauling his shirt over his head. "It's been a long time Scully. You know that don't you? I'm seriously out of practise." His breath caught in his throat when he felt her mouth on his bare skin. "Oh jesussss.." He moaned. "You're doing fine so far, Mulder." Scully said, her voice rumbling over his flesh. She looked up and brought his hands to the buttons of her blouse. "Ummmm, Scully. Don't you think we should talk... just a little more, I mean, this is... God... Uh, I... never mind." He needed no further encouragement. Mulder unfastened the first few buttons and then, as if perplexed by having to unbutton all of them, he pulled the low-cut garment over her head. This revealed a rose-colored, lace half-cup bra. "Oh boy.." He sighed, this was the point of no return, it was now or never. He paused to look at her, unaware of her restless motions until she impatiently unzipped her skirt and slipped out of it. Mulder was driving her nuts. Why couldn't he just get over this fear he had and touch her? If he didn't even *try* to touch her soon she was going to scream. She wanted to feel his long sensitive fingers stroking over her skin, his incredible mouth doing the same. But instead, he just sat there. She could see the fear in his eyes, the doubts he was having. But there was hesitation and then there was this. Mulder was immobilized. His mind couldn't get around the fact that Scully was sitting astride him in her skimpy undergarments. *SCULLY*. He was going into sensory overload. He didn't know where to touch first, and he *had* to get out of his ever so tight jeans. He just couldn't get past the sight of her straddling him in her underwear. He was in total shock. Until he heard her voice, soft and gentle, urging him on. He responded almost without thinking, kissing her softly as he slowly explored her upper torso with his hands. Scully followed suit, tracing the defined hollow of his collarbone, slowly running over his broad shoulders, his chest, the firm plane of his stomach until they reached his hips where the waistband of his jeans hung on his slender body. She moved her mouth close to his ear, "May I?" She whispered, a little breathless. "Ugh," He tried to speak... but didn't have the brain capacity. Scully unfastened the button and slowly followed with the zipper. He had to close his eyes and bite his tongue to keep from moaning when she brushed against him. Then his eyes flew open and a throaty yelp escaped him when she tugged the coarse denim away, grasping him through the soft grey jersey material of his boxer-briefs. "Holy shit!" He gasped for breath "You trying to kill me?" She grinned and continued to stroke and tease him. She yanked the white waist band with 'Calvin Klein' in grey characters. "The suit you were wearing today, was that Armani?" She asked, her voice light and jovial, as if she wasn't driving him out of his mind with her hands. "Mmmm.." She took that as affirmative, and kissed his neck." You *really* shouldn't mix your designer labels, dahling." She teased. "I'll remember that in future." He pulled her hands away from him and wriggled out of his jeans. Well, he tried to anyway, until he noticed that he was still wearing his shoes. "Um, Scully. Could you help me out here? I've got a bit of a problem..." Scully prized his trainers from his feet before clambering along the couch to resume her activities. Mulder kicked his pants away, catching a glimpse of his feet as he did do. Oh God, he was wearing odd socks. But Scully's attention didn't seem to be focused on his choice of footwear. Scully gave his shoulders a shove and he fell onto his back. She took the opportunity to take really good look at him. Long, slender limbs. Smooth, soft skin. Just a sprinkling of dark hair. A huge purple bruise... Hmm, well, she'd try to ignore the huge purple bruise. Scully perched her butt on his firm abdomen and slowly leaned forward, her hair brushing his face as she did so. "Scully?" "What?" "Do we know what we're doing?" Scully sighed. "Look, Mulder. I know it's been a while, but I'm sure you can remember the basics." "Huh?" Mulder looked puzzled. "Ohhhh. No, Scully. You know what I meant." "You mean you're about to bring up all the 'it'll change everything' crap." "It *will* change everything, Scully." Mulder protested. "How? How will it change everything, Mulder? Tell me." "Well, work--" "The FBI has no written guidelines on the subject of partners becoming involved." Scully countered. "Uh... the consortium, Scully. They'll split us up. They won't let us become any closer--" "Why? What the hell has it got to do with them whether or not we sleep together? However enlightening sex may be, Mulder, I don't think it will make us more skilled in the area of disclosing the truth. Next." Mulder reached an arm out and pushed a few strands of auburn hair behind her ear. "Scully..." "Do you love me, Mulder?" She asked. "You don't need to ask that." "But do you need to *say* it." Scully covered his hand with her own. "You haven't said it." "I feel it Scully. And you know I do. That's about all I can handle at the moment." Mulder's small smile said more than any words could. "Well then," Scully returned the smile. "We can work on that later." "Yeah." His arms closed around her shoulders and he pulled her onto him. "But arbitration can wait." Scully's lips found his again, as Mulder carefully flipped himself and his partner onto their sides. He touched his mouth to hers softly before tracing the outline of her lips with his tongue. She tried to catch his mouth in another kiss, thirsty to drink in the taste of him again but he wouldn't let her. He'd taken long enough to find the courage to do this, now that he had it he planned to do things his way. Or he might lose it again. Not mention the fact that he enjoyed toying with her. It was kinda fun. Scully attempted to capture his face with her hands in order to force him to obey her wishes, but he ducked his head, dropping featherlight kisses over her neck and chest. She let him reach behind her to unclasp the rose lace bra, and watched his face intently as he slipped the lacy straps off her shoulders and down her arms. Mulder gently kissed the smooth, fragrant skin between her breasts, and moved his lips slowly over the curve of one ivory mound to roll his tongue over the tight, pink nipple. Delighting in her low gasp, he closed his mouth around the sensitive peak. "Mulder..." She dug her fingers into his hair, raking her nails down his neck and upper back. His mouth released her breast, and she arched her back at the sensation of cool air replacing his heat. Mulder's lips grazed her stomach. "I do have a bed, Scully." He spoke between the kisses he was administering, " It's clean. It's new actually. New mattress, new sheets. Let's christen it." Scully couldn't speak, her mind was clouded and totally exempt of any thought other than the feel of his mouth on her body. Mulder was afraid she may have been reconsidering. "Scully?!" He exclaimed, panicked. Scully didn't need to ask what he was thinking. "God, Mulder, I'm over the age of consent. I can tell you if I don't want anything to happen, just as I expect you to tell me. Just get over this fear you have will you?" She stroked his hair. He nodded, "The bedroom?" "Fine." She finally gained access to his lips. "Whatever." "I... uh, would carry you, Scully, except I don't think my ribs would be too happy." He moved to his knees and took her hand. "Sure. Besides, you had better conserve your energy old man." "I'm only four years your senior, Dana..." "Men age faster than women." "Really?" He led her through his apartment to the bedroom. "I was under the impression that females matured faster than males." "Age and maturity are two completely different things." "Not according to the dictionary." Mulder pushed open his bedroom door, and flicked on the light. Scully grinned and wound her arms around his torso. "Yeah, well the dictionary's definition of 'spooky' is 'nervous and easily frightened'." "You might want to test that." Mulder stroked the skin of her bare back. "Yeah, I might." As their lips met in a kiss, Fox Mulder thanked god he kept a journal. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx END... Until Part 3... Nah. I think this is it. What about you? Tell me what ya think! Was it worth reading? Did you laugh, cry, puke, all of the above? I need to know! PLEASE send me feedback. PLEASE!!!!!!!! Please? Yeah!! Okay, you want to send that message to DxSCULLYxx@aol.com. Got it? Good. Now, go compose that e-mail! xXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX "Y'know, living in the city, you forget that night is actually so... dark." - Mulder (Tunguska) "I ate two slices of bad pizza, went to bed, and grew a CONSCIENCE!" -Jerry Maguire