From redshoes*@ix.netcom.com Mon Jul 07 19:27:14 1997 Newsgroups: alt.tv.x-files.creative Subject: NEW: Into the Black Abyss by Lavinia Paige (PG) 1/4 From: redshoes*@ix.netcom.com (Katherine Fritz) Date: Mon, 07 Jul 1997 23:27:14 GMT Posted by request of the author by redshoes@ix.netcom.com. Please send comments to Lavinia Paige at Lavinia627@aol.com. Title: "Into the Black Abyss" (1/4) Author: Lavinia Paige (Lavinia627@aol.com) Rating: PG Classification: SRA Keywords: Mulder/Scully romance Summary: Scully develops anorexia nervosa and tries to keep the secret from her partner... Disclaimer: I don't own the characters of Mulder and Scully. They belong to CC, 1013 Productions, and Fox. They are used only for entertainment; no money will be made from this story. WARNING: This story deals with the psychosomatic disorder anorexia nervosa. If any of you feel you might be offended by this subject, don't read the story. Also, for you emotional types, Scully gets really sick in this story--tons of angst for the dynamic duo... I would GREATLY appreciate it if you'd send me comments on this story. Send all flames and praises to: Lavinia627@aol.com Please be kind. This is my first fanfic. "Into the Black Abyss" (1/4) By: Lavinia Paige Present time June 28, 1997 Around 9:00 PM Dana Scully managed to get through her front door before her knees buckled beneath her, and she fell hard to the floor. Waves of nausea consumed her as she laid down flat on her back. The world drifted slowly around her as she fought to stay conscious. All she could feel was her head pounding in tandem with the beating of her heart. She tried to move, but her limbs felt like lead. It seemed as if her entire body was trembling. She attempted to stop the constant muscle spasms, but nothing she did seemed to work. A high-pitched ringing sounded in her ears, and she knew that she would black out very soon... *Tired...so tired* she thought, her eyes half-lidded. *Can't move...so tired...need help...* A Few Hours Later Tick tock. Tick tock. The first thing she heard as her auditory senses came back to her was the constant ticking of her mantle clock. It soothed her, urged her to go back to sleep. *NO!* her mind screamed through a thick fog of drowsiness. *You have to get up! You have to move...you can't just lay here like this!* Her thoughts pushed her to shift slightly on the floor. *I can feel my legs again!* *Am I still shaking?* *No* *Good* She slowly bent her knees towards her torso, feeling her muscles scream in protest. A jolt of pain sprang up her spinal cord and crashed against her throbbing head. "Ohhh..." she moaned softly from the pain. *I must have hit the floor harder than I thought* *OK, Dana...you are going to move...now* Ever so slowly, Scully turned onto her side and then onto her stomach, groaning the entire time. She placed her palms flat against the hardwood floor and pushed down. Her body resisted at first and then lifted under the forced pressure of her hands. When she managed to move her torso a few inches off the floor, she drew her knees up under her. She stayed on her hands and knees for a few minutes, slightly swaying back and forth. She blindly crawled away from the front door in the general direction of her couch. Whimpering slightly as she hit the cushions of the couch, she pulled herself onto it and rested her head against its plush pillows. *OK, Dana...you've come this far. You can't quit now. You have to get to the kitchen and take the pills. The pills will make it all better* She moved off the couch and staggered blindly towards the kitchen. She attempted to open her eyes to see, but her eyelids would not budge. She felt her way along the wall until she felt the wood of her kitchen table. She steadied herself on a chair and moved to the sink. Turning the faucet on ice cold, she splashed water on her face and forced her eyes to open. She first noticed that everything around her was completely dark. It had to have been at least midnight... *Light, I need light* She reached for the light switch by the faucet but never made it. The hand that was keeping her upright against the counter slipped, and she went down like a rag doll, hitting her chin hard against the Formica as she fell. She cried out in pain as she hit the floor for the second time that night. Reaching up, she touched her chin, feeling the wetness of blood against her fingertips. With the support of a chair beside her, she pulled herself to a standing position again. She felt along the wall closest to the refrigerator and finally came to a light switch and flicked it on. Light flooded the kitchen, and she grimaced at the visible blood stains on the linoleum floor. *You'll clean it up later. Right now, you need to get your strength back* She went slowly (still not trusting her body to function properly) towards the counter by the sink. Sitting close to the faucet was her medication. She grabbed the bottle and quickly tried to remove the lid. Her hands started trembling again, and she fumbled mercilessly with the bottle. "Open, dammit!" she yelled at the bottle. Finally, after many frustrating attempts, the lid popped off. She swallowed two pills, not bothering to wash them down with water. Then, she sluggishly sat down at the table to wait for the drug to give her body its much needed energy. Energy boosters...that's all they were. They simply increased her metabolism and allowed her to continue on with everyday function. She had cut a close call today, though. She'd forgotten to take them at the right time at work and had almost fallen apart... *Almost, Dana...You almost lost it...* *But everything's OK now...you are OK. Nothing happened* She knew deep down that she should not be taking them. They could have dangerous side effects. The doctor side of Dana Scully fought her every time she went to rewrite a prescription for them. But she NEEDED them at this point...she couldn't *live* without them. She sighed heavily and pressed her cheek against the smooth wood surface of the table. Her eyes fell on a blueberry muffin sitting on the middle of the table. It was neatly wrapped in plastic wrap. A single bite had been taken from the small cake. *You know, Dana, you should eat something. It's been such a long time...* She reached out and grasped the muffin. Unwrapping it slowly, she tore a small piece from the top. She watched as her hand led the food to her mouth. Something in her head suddenly snapped. *WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! YOU CAN'T EAT THAT! IT WON'T MAKE YOU FEEL ANY BETTER, AND YOU'LL BE RUINING YOUR BODY IN THE PROCESS!* "No!" she screamed out loud to her hand, which seemed to be functioning by itself. Her lips quivered as she put the muffin against her mouth. "Please, NO!" she mouthed against it. Her hand dropped like dead weight, and the small piece rolled off the table and onto the floor. "NO!" she howled in rage, swapping at the remainder of the cake. It tumbled over the table's edge. She dissolved into unadulterated tears. "Ohhh...what's wrong with me?" she whimpered out loud. "I'm sick...I need help...but I...just...can't..." She got up and pushed away from the table, walking towards her bedroom. Tears streaked her cheeks, and she pushed them away in anger. "You're so weak, Dana Scully!" she said, turning to look at herself in her hall mirror. Deep, dark circles hung under her pale blue eyes. Her face was swollen and her chin puckered red. Dark hollows that were her cheeks made her face look drawn and sick. Her fiery red hair was matted and sticking to her forehead and neck. She looked awful... "Absolutely awful," she moaned at her reflection. She turned from the mirror in a burst of energy and hit the adjacent wall...hard. Her fist flew against her body impulsively as pain shot up her arm. She whimpered and walked farther down the hall to her bedroom. Not even bothering to change into pajamas, Scully collapsed onto her bed. *Tired. So tired...need help* were her last thoughts before she fell into a deep sleep. __________________________________________________ 6 months earlier "Come on, Scully! What can possibly be taking so long?!" he said loudly, pounding on her hotel room door again and wishing she would hurry up. His stomach let out a loud growl. "Please, Scully. I'm starving here!" he whined like a four year old kid. "Coming!" he heard her say at last. She opened her door swiftly and stepped out of the room. He smiled appreciatively at her. She had changed from her normal work clothes and was now wearing jeans and a green knit sweater. "Jeez, Mulder," she said in angry annoyance, "you are the most impatient person I know." "Only when it comes to food, Scully," he said pushing her along with a hand to the small of her back. "Come on, I know of a great little restaurant." *** Scully hated the place. It was loud, greasy, dark, and smelled of cigarette smoke. Twangy country music blared from a jukebox while an assortment of drunks attempted to line dance in between the cramped tables. Waitresses dressed in hotpants wound their ways through the dancers and tables, swapping away the wandering hands of the male drunks. She turned to notice the restaurant's chef. He was fat with greasy hair and smoked on a large cigar while preparing the food. *Just Mulder's type of place* she thought in amusement. She looked across the table at him after they were seated. He was thoroughly engrossed in the restaurant's menu. She smiled as her eyes grazed the T-shirt he was wearing. It was plain and simple, but its stormy gray color reflected beautifully in his eyes. She cherished the long moment she had to look at him: the soft wisp of hair that fell over his forehead...the way his cheekbones worked under his tanned skin as he considered the menu...the way his pouty lips curved into a slight smile... His eyes snapped up to look at her and she was pulled out of her reverie. He had caught her looking at him...again. "Is everything OK, Scully?" he asked, smiling teasingly at her. She blushed deeply, praying he couldn't tell because of the dimly lit room. "Y-yes, Mulder...everything's fine...uh..." She changed the subject. "What are you getting?" He grinned, knowing what she was trying to do. He decided to let her off the hook just this once. "Well, I was thinking about the *Meaty, Cheezy, Greazy Burger*" She frowned in disgust by his choice of food. "What about you?" he asked closing the menu. "Ummm, well, I'm not sure yet. Maybe the Caesar salad." "Mmmmm..." he said, trailing off. She knew he was going to say something and then decided not to. "What do you mean 'Mmmmm'? What is it?" "It's nothing, Scully," he said matter of factly. "I was just going to tell you I was watching this news show, and I heard that a Caesar salad has six times as much fat as a regular house salad." Her brows furrowed. "And you're telling me this why?" "I don't know..." he said, a little embarrassed for even bringing it up. "I just thought because, you know...I mean most women are concerned about that sort of thing. I just thought you'd like to know." She swallowed hard. "And you think I should...?" He stopped her. "No, no, Scully. I didn't mean anything by it. Just forget I said anything." She nodded, feeling extremely put down. *Does he think I should be concerned about that? Does he think I should watch my weight?* Waves of insecurity filled her mind. She sub-consciously ran her hands over her stomach and hips. She was genuinely confused by what he had said to her. He had never said anything like that to her before...why now? Just then, the waitress came up to their table, and Scully shuddered at the way Mulder was looking her over. He was practically drooling. She looked at the waitress fully. OK, so she was pretty...beautiful...absolutely gorgeous--tall, slim waisted, leggy, and busty. *This is what he likes* she thought ruefully as "Miss Perfect Body" took Mulder's order. *He likes them tall and leggy...like...like...* she grimaced inwardly, *Phoebe* "And for you, Miss?" the woman asked, startling Scully from her brooding. "Um...I'll just have a House salad please." "Scully?" Mulder asked after the waitress had left. "I thought you wanted a Caesar salad?" "No. I changed my mind," she said curtly. "This isn't about--?" "No!" she said defensively. "Just forget it, Mulder, OK?" He nodded, feeling more than just a little bit guilty. *** After she said goodnight to Mulder, Scully found herself looking at her reflection in the hotel room's full length mirror. *Do I need to lose weight? I never really thought about it before.* She slowly removed her sweater and jeans and stood staring at herself only in her underwear. She shook her head. *Ugh...so short and stubby* Her hips seemed very wide tonight--or maybe she just hadn't noticed before. The small mound of her stomach seemed to grow bigger as she watched it. And her face...her face was way too round. *I AM fat* she thought, tears coming to her eyes. *Why didn't I see this before? Mulder was trying to tell me nicely tonight, wasn't he? Ohhh, I need to lose weight, and fast!* That night, she decided she would start on a diet by eating less food everyday. During the first two weeks, she planned to skip the least important meal of the day--lunch. Soon, though, she realized that wouldn't work, because Mulder always was with her for lunch, and he would constantly ask why she wasn't eating. *No, that definitely would not work* She had decided early on not to tell him about her diet. He probably would lecture her about her method and say that she was starving herself or something--which was completely untrue. All she was doing was skipping a meal a day--it wasn't a problem--lots of people did it. Her medical training taught her about the right and wrong way to diet. Dieting by not eating was not the answer, but she knew meal plans would not work for her. When she was a teenager, she tried a 1,000 calorie a day meal plan, and she never lost any weight from it. So it came to this. But it would work. She would make it work. End of part 1... Please send comments to Lavinia627@aol.com ---- Posted for the author by redshoes@ix.netcom.com From redshoes*@ix.netcom.com Mon Jul 07 19:27:26 1997 Newsgroups: alt.tv.x-files.creative Subject: NEW: Into the Black Abyss by Lavinia Paige (PG) 2/4 From: redshoes*@ix.netcom.com (Katherine Fritz) Date: Mon, 07 Jul 1997 23:27:26 GMT Posted by request of the author by redshoes@ix.netcom.com. Please send comments to Lavinia Paige at Lavinia627@aol.com. Title: Into the Black Abyss" (2/4) By: Lavinia Paige (Lavinia627@aol.com) Disclaimer in part 1... Rated: PG After three weeks of skipping dinner or breakfast everyday, Scully looked into the mirror in dismay. There wasn't ANY change as far as she could tell. She still looked--or so she thought--flabby. What was worse was the change in her attitude. Since she started the plan, she had become rather irritable and had a short attention span. She became preoccupied with her looks and didn't focus on her work as much as she used to. Mulder had definitely noticed the change but did not dare to question her about it. *It's just stress* he told himself. *Your work has been very demanding these past few months...* So through rationalization, Mulder decided not to worry about her every minute of everyday. But he did not totally forget. Another problem she faced was extreme fatigue. Being a doctor, she knew that it was because her body wasn't accustomed to what she was doing to it. It would soon adapt to the change, though. Now, as she stared at her reflection, she knew that it wasn't enough. She had to eliminate more food from her diet plus start to exercise everyday. *That's it...I really have to exercise* She started to go to the gym everyday before work. She avoided breakfast most of the time, telling herself she still had to eat lunch with Mulder. That lunch in turn would allow her to skip dinner as well. The constant fatigue increased drastically. She felt that her body was not adapting fast enough. As a result, she wrote herself a prescription for a reliable brand of energy boosting pills. These pills would help the tiredness and lack of food not tear her body to shreds. After about a week of taking the drugs, she felt more healthy than she had in almost two months. As it came to the third month mark, she had psychologically made food her enemy and exercise her life. Her only problem was keeping her foodless-diet a secret from her partner. *He would never approve of something like this. But he doesn't understand what it is like to look in the mirror and see a heavy person. He has no idea how horrifying that can be for someone...for me.* The day she decided to not eat at all unless it was absolutely necessary was the day she also made a pact with herself. She promised herself that when she lost enough weight, she would start to eat again. She soon broke her own promise. One night, she stepped on her scale and saw she had lost twenty pounds in three months. As she looked at her body in the mirror, though, she still saw the fat Dana Scully. In reality, her stomach had sunken in, her hips had lost their curviness and become flatter, and her face had become thin and pointed. Her mind's eye overpowered reality--twenty pounds wasn't enough! Her clothes started to look baggy and large on her, but she dismissed it. She refused to buy better fitting clothes, because she didn't want Mulder or anyone else to notice that she was getting smaller by the day. Instead, she bought an assortment of new belts, so her pants wouldn't fall down. She also bought extra shoulder padding for her suit coats, so she looked just as sturdy shouldered as ever. Her face became a problem. It did look totally different from a few months ago, and she needed to hide the small dark circles that were always under her eyes. Therefore, she bought new make-up and loaded it on everyday. Mulder was never permitted to see her off hours--that was her own rule. If he didn't see her without her painted facade, he would never know her horrible secret. *Yes, it is a secret* she finally realized one day. *It is a secret that I am scared of food and am living on drugs. It is a secret that I am getting smaller and not thinking it is enough. This is it. It is my secret that I have a disease, and I won't even let myself realize it* Her body reminded her of this secret each passing day, but her mind would never acknowledge it. *** Mulder caught her arm as she was just about to leave the office for the evening. "Hey Scully, please have dinner with me tonight," he said sweetly. "I never get to see you outside this office anymore...even for lunches." She sighed heavily, looking into his pleading eyes. *He really wants my company tonight* She gave him a small smile. *That's kind of sweet* *But don't you know what 'going to dinner' means? It means you have to actually eat in front of someone!* *I know that, but I can't turn him down. I've turned him down too much lately* *You're taking a big risk to your body if you do this! You know that, don't you?* *Yes, yes, and I'll be careful* *** The small cafe was classy but not too classy to be stuck-up. She smiled as Mulder escorted her through the lovely arched doorway, hung up her overcoat for her, and held her chair for her as she sat down. *He's being quite the gentleman* she thought happily. It was a rare day in her life when Mulder actually treated her with this kind of gentility. She absolutely loved the attention. She peered at her menu nervously. *Oh my gosh, what do I get?! I haven't seen food like this for four months. How can I decide? It has to be small--REALLY small* While she quietly studied her menu, Mulder looked at her. She seemed to have changed a lot. She wore a lot more make-up than she used to--something he didn't really like on her. He also saw that her clothes hung loosely against her. Did she like the baggy clothes look? He knew that he definitely didn't. He broke the silence between them. "So, Scully, are you ready to order?" She looked up with a far away look. "Yeah, yeah, I think so." When their meals came, Mulder was starving. He grinned as the waitress put the large T-bone steak and baked potato in front of him. *Ohhh, yes* he thought, *this should definitely hit the spot!* He watched as Scully's fish fillet with lemon juice seasoning was placed in front of her. He noticed that she seemed to grimace at the meal. "Is something wrong, Scully? Is it not prepared right?" She forcibly brightened her expression. "Oh no, Mulder. It's great." He gave her a toothy grin and dug into his steak. "So, Partner," he said between bites, "what do you think of the newest case?" She looked up from her untouched fish. *Maybe if I talk enough, I won't have to eat as much* That's exactly what she did. She dove into a deep conversation of the case with him. He ate as she talked, and she shuffled her food around, taking the smallest of bites every once and a while. In the middle of his steak, Mulder excused himself from the table to use the bathroom. While he was gone, Scully took the opportunity to push a large portion of her fish into a cloth napkin and stuff it into her purse. That way, he would not be suspicious. When he got back, he noticed she had eaten a lot of her meal while he was gone. She saw that he was looking curiously at her plate, and she went to defend herself. "Ummm, I never eat much when I'm engrossed in conversation. When you left, though, there was nothing to do but eat. And now, I'm a little too full to finish." She let out a little, nervous laugh. He smiled back. "That's OK. You don't have to finish, but I know that I'm going to finish this steak." She grinned back at him, happy that he took her explanation and proud that she had pulled it off so well. After dinner, Mulder took Scully home, and she invited him in for coffee. They sat in silence on the couch for a few long minutes before he spoke. "Scully, could you be honest with me about something?" She looked into his eyes. "Sure, Mulder, what is it?" He took a small sip of the steaming beverage in his hands. "How are you doing lately? I mean, is everything OK? I never see you anymore, and I miss that...you seem different, almost distant." He paused to watch her face. It held no emotion. "If something was wrong, you would tell me, right?" She looked down to her lap. "What makes you think something is wrong?" "I don't know," he said, softly touching her hand. "Like I said, you seem different. Is it something about work?" "No, no, Mulder," she smiled to reassure him. "I am fine--maybe a little stressed out--but all right." He nodded, not truly believing her. But that was something he had to except about Special Agent Dana Scully. He knew she had built sturdy walls around her feelings, and she rarely let people see her true emotions. When she said she was fine, there was nothing he could do to make her say otherwise. "OK, Scully, but you *would* tell me if something was wrong, right?" He watched as she swallowed hard. "Of course, Mulder." She looked extremely uncomfortable and taken back by his questions. He thought it would be best if he told her goodnight and left...but there was one more thing he had to ask. Reaching out, he cupped her pointed chin and brought her eyes to his. He slowly moved her head back and forth--to see her face on every side. "You've lost some weight, haven't you, Scully?" She tensed immediately. Her lips trembled as she spoke. "Uh, yeah. I suppose I have...just a little, though." He nodded, locking eyes with her again. This subject seemed to make her even more uncomfortable than the last one. He decided not to say anything else about it. Dropping his hand from her face, he slowly stood up. "It's late," he said, giving her a soft smile. "I should go." She nodded. "I had a really good time tonight, Mulder." He reached out and touched her jawline. "We should do it more often...good night, Scully." "See you tomorrow, bright and early," he called before walking out the door. "Bye," she whispered. When the door shut, she felt hot tears flood her eyes. *He asked me about my weight...did he notice anything? Oh please no, I don't want him to know...* Then, the trembling started again. It covered her entire body--did not neglect a single muscle. She struggled to get to her kitchen and took her medication. End part 2 of 4 Comments? Lavinia627@aol.com From redshoes*@ix.netcom.com Mon Jul 07 19:27:34 1997 Newsgroups: alt.tv.x-files.creative Subject: NEW: Into the Black Abyss by Lavinia Paige (PG) 3/4 From: redshoes*@ix.netcom.com (Katherine Fritz) Date: Mon, 07 Jul 1997 23:27:34 GMT "Into the Black Abyss" (3/4) By: Lavinia Paige (Lavinia627@aol.com) Disclaimer in part 1 Rated: PG The morning after her dinner with Mulder, Scully's body was too weak to get out of bed. She decided to call in sick to work for the day. It had been a while since she had taken a sick day, and it wouldn't be a problem to get it approved. After calling Skinner with her request, she figured she should call Mulder. Before she could pick up the phone to dial, though, it rang. "Scully," she answered, trying to put strength into her voice. "Scully, it's me...where are you?" She knew it would be him. "I just called in sick, Mulder. I'm not feeling well today at all." She chuckled softly. "It's probably food poisoning or something." "Well, OK," he responded with concern. "Do you want me to bring you anything?" "No, that's OK. Thanks anyway." There was a long pause over the phone. "Well, Mulder. I'm really tired. I think I am going to go now." "All right, Scully," he said finally. "I'll talk to you later." With that, she heard a soft click on the other side of the receiver. She smiled slightly, thinking how strange it was that they never actually said good-bye to each other over the phone. The morning passed without incident. Scully stayed in bed most of the day, mainly because her legs weren't functioning very well. Around two in the afternoon, she was startled out of a light sleep by a knocking on her door. She had no idea what to do. Could she answer it? She decided to just ignore it, and whoever was knocking would eventually leave. That did not happen. Instead, she heard her lock turning and the door opening. She felt a jolt of fright go through her, wondering who it possibly could be. "Scully?" she heard Mulder timidly call. "Are you here?" Before she answered, she pulled her bed comforter up under her chin to hide her diminutive form. "I'm in here." He walked into the bedroom and frowned the minute he saw her. She looked absolutely horrible. Her eyes had deep, black circles underneath them, and her face looked thinner than before and extremely pale. She clutched the blankets against herself, covering her entire body except for her head. "What do you want, Mulder?" she said before he could speak. She saw the expression on his face when he looked at her and shuddered. He was still in shock over her appearance. "I-I just wanted to check up on you." He walked over and sat on the edge of the bed. "If I may be honest, Scully, you look horrible." "Thanks for boosting my spirits," she replied, giving him a slight smile. He tried to look into her eyes--the only gateway to her soul--but she looked away from him. "I--uh--brought you some soup and ginger ale--to help settle your stomach." She nodded appreciatively. "That's sweet, Mulder, but I don't really think I should eat anything right now. My stomach is doing somersaults as we speak." "Right," he stared off in the distance. "At least let me make you some tea or something." She nodded her approval. He stood up and walked to her kitchen. The first thing he noticed as he rummaged around for her teapot, tea bags, and sugar was the lack of food in her cupboards and refrigerator. In fact, she had considerably less food than he had in his own kitchen. As the tea water came to a boil, his eye caught sight of a small bottle of pills next to her faucet. He picked them up and saw that they were prescription vitamins--rather strong vitamins. *Since when did she start using these?* He brought the tea to her, and she quietly thanked him. He sat back down on the bed and pulled the pills from his pocket. "Dana, what are these?" he asked, holding the bottle up. He saw her pale face go a few shades whiter. "Um, they are just pills that give me a little boost of energy now and then. You know, to help me stay awake longer and stuff like that." He nodded, a grim expression on his face. She hated that look. It was the look that told her he didn't believe her. "What, Mulder?" she said in exasperation. "It's nothing, Scully. I've just heard that these are dangerous to your health." "Well, Mulder, maybe you shouldn't believe everything *you hear*!" she yelled angrily. "For your information, these are a very safe brand. I'm a doctor--I should know." He was taken back by her outburst. "I'm sorry, Scully..." She could tell he was hurt by her response. She mentally kicked herself. *Way to go, Dana. Just hit your partner into the ground a little more than you already have. He's just concerned for your well-being.* Weakly surrendering, she said, "No, Mulder, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to yell at you like that." He put a hand up. "It's OK, Scully, really...You know I ask you these things because I care." Her heart went out to him. He cared so much, and what was she doing to him? She was lying straight to his face. He trusted her to tell the truth, and she was betraying him. She felt her throat constrict with repressed pain and tears. He needed to leave before she lost it... She put the tea down, avoiding his eyes, and turned away from him on her side. "Scully?" he asked in concern. "Mulder..." she said through strained tears. "I'm sorry, but I really need to rest right now. If you want to stay, you can, but I won't be the best hostess this afternoon." He stood up, feeling rather rejected. "No, I-I should head back to work...I'll call you later, Scully." And before she could respond, he was gone. *** Mulder drove from her apartment feeling incredibly down. She seemed to be more than angry at him...but he only went to see her because he cared for her so much...loved her so much. *Yes, I can safely say now that I do love Dana Scully. She's the part that makes me whole* *Does she know those things about you, Mulder? Or are you too scared to tell her?* *What does it matter now anyway? She basically gave me the brush off today. What else can I do?* *For now, let her deal with this problem alone. That's what she wants after all...* *** The next few months passed without incident. Scully felt all right most of the time, thanks to her pills. She noticed that Mulder no longer questioned her behavior or obvious exhaustion. She was silently grateful for that fact. She continued to lose weight at an alarming rate. In the last five months, she had lost a total of forty pounds. She was very aware of the drastic weight loss, but her mind kept telling her it wasn't enough. One day, she was overcome with panic...It was as if she suddenly realized she could die from this condition. In a frenzy, she ran to her kitchen and found a can of pears. Opening up the can and taking a spoonful of the fruit to her mouth, her hand suddenly stopped--and her mind took over. She couldn't convince herself to take just one bite. "Please," she yelled to no one in particular. "I need to eat!" Defeated, she threw the spoon into the sink. The false perception of herself she had won yet another battle... *** The worst case of the shakes she experience occurred at work around the sixth month. She was calmly sitting at her desk, reading a file, when her fingers--and eventually her hands--started to shake. *STOP IT!!!* she commanded her body, pressing her hands between her knees. Mulder looked up at her. She was looking down beyond the desk with wide eyes. An alarm went off in his head. And for the first time in two months, he questioned her. "Scully, is everything OK?" Snapping her head up, she looked at him with round, shocked eyes. He got up from his chair and crossed to her desk in one stride. He looked down and saw her hands violently trembling under the desk. He rounded the desk, knelt down beside her, and grabbed her hands. Holding them as her body shook everywhere, he watched a wave of fear crash over her features. The quakes ended as fast as they came, and she remained absolutely still with his hands still grasping hers. "Scully?" he questioned, feeling a tightness in his throat. She focused on him for only a minute...his concern and worry washing over her--calming her. "It's all right, Mulder. I just sometimes get these shakes...it's because I am so tired." Mulder shook his head in disbelief. "Scully, if this fatigue is getting to the point where you are having these little seizures, you should get yourself checked out." "No!" she protested a little too loudly. "I am a doctor, Mulder, I think I can take care of myself." She stood up and pulled away from his as if nothing had happened. "If you'll excuse me, I have to use the restroom." After she had left, he felt guilty for showing his concern. It was obvious she didn't want him to do anything for her...and he regretted butting in again. In the bathroom, Scully pulled her pills from her pocket and swallowed three. It was an extra tablet than usual, but she had to make sure she didn't have another episode in front of Mulder. As the work day came to a close around 8:30 PM, Scully packed up and got ready to leave. "Dana?" she heard Mulder call just as she was about to walk out the door. "Do you want to go to a late dinner?" She turned and offered him a bright smile. "No, Mulder, I'm sorry, but I need to get home." "Are you sure you are all right?" "Yes, Mulder!" And before he could say anything else, she was out the door. Instead of driving directly home, Mulder followed Scully home, keeping a safe distance from her car, so he wouldn't get caught. He always had a nagging feeling that she made up these excuses practically every night because she was seeing someone else and didn't want him to know. However, it wasn't a surprise to him when she did indeed turn down her street, for it was just like any other night. *You, idiot...if she knew you follow her home every night, she would kill you...* He sat in shadow and watched her walk into her apartment. *** The short distance from the apartment complex's front door to her own front door was no more than four yards. Tonight, though, it seemed like so much more... *Just a few more feet* she encouraged herself. As she got to the door, she leaned heavily against it's adjacent wall and pulled out her keys. *Just a little further...* >>>>Dana Scully managed to get through her front door before her knees buckled beneath her, and she fell hard to the floor. Waves of nausea consumed her as she laid down flat on her back. The world drifted slowly around her as she fought to stay conscious. All she could feel was her head pounding in tandem with the beating of her heart......<<<< End part 3 of 4 Send comments to: Lavinia627@aol.com From redshoes*@ix.netcom.com Mon Jul 07 19:27:43 1997 Newsgroups: alt.tv.x-files.creative Subject: NEW: Into the Black Abyss by Lavinia Paige (PG) 4/4 From: redshoes*@ix.netcom.com (Katherine Fritz) Date: Mon, 07 Jul 1997 23:27:43 GMT Posted by request of the author by redshoes@ix.netcom.com. Please send comments to Lavinia Paige at Lavinia627@aol.com. "Into the Black Abyss" (4/4) By: Lavinia Paige (Lavinia627@aol.com) Disclaimer in part 1 Rated: PG Present Time June 29, 1997 9:46 AM Mulder knocked once at the door--then twice--then three times. There was still no response. He pulled his key ring from his pocket and found his partner's key. Unlocking both locks, he slowly opened the door and peered inside. Everything was quiet. The living room seemed to be in order, but there was no sign of Scully. Stepping inside, he called for her. "Scully?" No response. He crept inside her bedroom and found her asleep on top of her comforter, still dressed in her work clothes. "Scully?" he called again. She laid there motionless. He bent down in front of her and studied her face. With minimal make-up, he saw dark lines and shadows cast across her features. Her lips were drawn into a thin, bloodless frown. A small cut stretched across her chin--dried blood caking the skin. *How did she get that?* He took both her shoulders in his hands and shook. "Scully? Dana? Wake up!" Ever so slowly, she shifted into consciousness. Her pale blue eyes opened and looked at him in confusion. "Mulder?" she said, her voice cracking from a dry throat. "What are you doing here?" He stroked her upper arm. "You didn't show up for work again, Scully. I got worried and tried to call you, but you didn't pick up. So, I came out to see if everything was all right...Everything is all right, isn't it?" She nodded, still exhausted. She tried to say something, but her throat was so dry, she could not. He noticed what was wrong. "Let me get you a glass of water." He walked into the kitchen and almost stepped on a blueberry muffin that was on the floor. He bent down to pick it up. *What is this?* He set it on the table and went to wash his sticky hands, noticing a blotch of blood on the floor below the sink. *Scully's blood* he concluded. *What did she do?* With the water in hand, Mulder walked back into her bedroom to see her staring absentmindedly out her window. He pitied the poor woman in front of him. She looked so lost and alone at that moment. Exhaustion had gotten the most of her. He wasn't sure, but he thought he saw streaks of dry tears trailing down her face. "Here you go," he said putting it in her trembling hand. She took a long drink of the cool beverage and muttered a thank you. At that moment, he decided to question her about the things he found in the kitchen. It seemed that every time he saw her, he was always questioning her about her actions and moods. He knew before even attempting an inquiry that she would be angry over it. He knelt down beside her on the bed and ooked into her eyes. "Dana?" he swallowed hard. "When I was in the kitchen getting the water, I found a blueberry muffin on the floor and a spot of what I think is your blood below the sink? Can you tell me how they got there?" She looked horrified that he had seen the remnants of the night before. *What must he be thinking? Oh, no, why didn't I clean those things up sooner?* Out loud she said, "Uh...well...the muffin must have somehow rolled off the table, because that's where I put it last night." His face was unemotional. "And the blood?" "Oh, the blood was from an accident last night," she pointed to her chin. "I cut myself on the corner of a cupboard when I was trying to reach something. I must not have noticed that some of the blood got on the floor." He knew by her unconvincing tone of voice that she was definitely lying to him...again. Numerous times before, he had dismissed her little white lies as defense mechanisms. She didn't want him to know how she was feeling at certain times, and he respected her privacy. But this time, something in him snapped, and he was finally sick and tired about hearing her excuses. Jumping up from the bed, he pointed an accusing finger at her. "Don't you tell me that, Dana Scully, because I know you're lying through your teeth! Dammit, Dana! Why can't you be honest with me?!" "Mul--" she tried to interrupt, but he cut her off. "No! No! You are not allowed to speak." He started pacing the room. "For months now, I've noticed something has been wrong with you. You're moody, irritable, and reclusive..." He heard her snort in shock at the last word. "Yes, Dana, you heard me--reclusive. You never talk to me, or anybody for that matter, anymore unless it is absolutely necessary! You never go out with friends! You haven't seen your mother in I don't know how many months! You just stay in this apartment all the time!" In a flash, she bounded off the bed and jumped right into his face. She was mad--no, worse than mad--absolutely, positively infuriated with him. "How do YOU know what I do after hours?!?!" "I've been following you home," he said honestly. "Just to see what you do all the time when you refuse to go to dinner with me." Her eyes grew wide in disbelief. Anger and betrayal flushed her skin. "You mean you're spying on me now?!" "Yes, I've been spying on you!" he said, grabbing the lapels of her suit coat. "But only because I'm concerned about you!" She roughly freed herself from his grasp. "No, that's not it at all. You were just paranoid about me spending time with someone else other than you. You know what you are, Fox Mulder? You're POSSESSIVE! You can't deal with the fact that I might have a life outside of the X-Files. You just want to drag me down with you, so you're sure you will never be alone. Well, let me tell you something--I am sick of this, and I'm sick of you! I want out!" He went towards her again and grabbed her upper arms. His eyes were wide with a mixture of shock, anger, and pain. "You have no idea what you're talking about, Scully! You can't see the honest concern I have for you. You're my partner, dammit! 'You are the only one I trust'--remember that line, Scully? I just didn't say it to sound needy. I truly meant it! I try so hard to give you a shoulder to cry on when you need it, but all you do is build walls up higher and higher around yourself!!! In case you've forgotten, you're a human being--you can't keep your feelings to yourself forever!" He angrily squeezed arms for emphasis and was taken back when he could easily loop his fingers over the entire circumference of each one. *What the hell?* he thought, looking at his fingers. *How is this possible?* He turned his head and looked at her. Tears filled her eyes as she realized he knew... "Dana?" he whispered in a strangled whisper. "What is this?" She turned one of her elbows inward and hit him hard in the gut. He let her go reflexively to clutch his stomach. "NOOOO!" she screamed wildly. "You stay away from me!!!" His eyes filled with tears. "What have you done to yourself?" "No, no," she sobbed and shook her head, holding him away with an outstretched hand. "Please, please don't come near me!" He turned from her, too shocked to look at her. His fears of what she had done to herself had to be proven. He had to see more of her. In a flash of movement, Mulder spun around and pushed her against a wall. "STOP IT, MULDER!" she tried to push him away, but he was too strong for her. He quickly unbuttoned her suit coat and grasped her waist underneath it. He ran his hands over her sides and stomach. *Nothing! There's nothing there!* As if not believing what his hands told him, he grasped her thin blouse and pulled it from her trousers. Her eyes widened in shock. *How dare he invade my personal space like this!* Lifting the shirt up to view her torso, he almost fainted at the sight. He could have counted every last one of her ribs. Her stomach sunk in; it was so small, he could have easily put both his hands around it. His gaze moved up her body and saw her clavicles protruding grotesquely from her shoulders. She was a skeleton..that's the only way he could describe it--just skin and bones. "Ohhhhhhhh, Scullllly, noooooo," he openly let the tears fall. She was crying too but with tears of shame. Too weak to fight with him anymore, she no longer tried to free herself. He let go of his death grip on her. Slipping to sit on the floor, he covered his face with his hands. "How could you? How could you?" he kept repeating to her. "Mulder..." she said through sobs. "I'm fine." He was on his knees and pulled her standing form to him--his face pressed against her nonexistent stomach. "No, no, you're not," he squeezed her tightly. "Can't you see what you've done to yourself?" He could feel the anger rising again. He reached up and took her face in his trembling hands. "You're killing yourself, Dana!" "I just need to be alone..." He jumped to his feet in a fit of rage. *How could she be so stubborn!!!* He hit the wall hard. His fist made a dent in the plastered surface. He looked up to see her slowly backing towards her bathroom. She turned into the room and slammed the door just as he was about to make a lunge for her. Pounding on the door, he screamed, "Scully, don't shut me out! You need help! DON'T DO THIS!!!" "Go away, Mulder...please.." he heard her whimper. "Like hell I will," was his only response. Inside the bathroom, Scully had curled herself into a little ball, trembling and sobbing softly. *I did not plan this to happen. He will never forgive me for this. Oh--* She felt her stomach convulse and she vomited streams of bile into the toilet. A sour taste formed in her mouth as she retched again. He heard her throwing up and pounded on the door again. "Please, Scully, let me in! Let me help you!" "Nooooo..." she moaned in between heavy gasps. He felt defeated. She did not want him there. His heart sunk to his stomach and he collapsed against the bathroom's door frame. She had just written her own death sentence. He had to get through to her somehow... "Scully...you can't do this. You're committing suicide...You can't die like this...I need you with me...I-I love you so much, and it kills me to see this happening to you..." In the bathroom, she heard his ragged surrender and confession. She pressed her hands against her mouth and tried to suppress a strangled cry of grief. *** Forty-five minutes later, they were still in the same positions on the floor--Scully against the inside bathroom door frame and Mulder against the outside. She had not spoken to him since he had told her he loved her. She felt her heart clench in pain every time she thought about what he had said. She had lied to him for almost six months...and now his confession of love made her shake to the bone with guilt. She gently got on her hands and knees and turned the doorknob. When the door opened, she could see him asleep against wall, his knees drawn up and his head resting on his arms. She shakily reached out and placed her hand on his knee. It was too much for her, and she felt the tears start again. He snapped his head up the moment he felt something warm touch him to find himself staring into her swollen eyes. The hand on his knee gripped him hard--so much that her nails dug painfully into his skin. He watched her fight for control as she got ready to speak, but it was to no avail. She sobbed loudly as she came to rest her head on the tops of his knees and hug his calves forcefully. "Mul-de-r..." she spoke through little gasps. "P-Please...I...need...your...hel-p..." Her last word brought with it a flood of tears--tears that told him she had broken her own walls down and surrendered to him. He reached out and pulled her small frame into his lap. He held her like a small child--for that's all she was anymore--and stroked her hair and face. Eventually, she wrapped her arms around his torso and squeezed him tightly against her. The tears came and went for both of them as they held each other. While he rocked her back and forth, he whispered words of promise and love to her. "Don't you worry, Dana. We'll get through this together--I promise." She let his words soothe her to sleep. *He is here now, Dana, and he loves you...You will not walk this path alone anymore...* End part 4 of 4 That's it folks...at least for now... Send comments to: Lavinia627@aol.com Stay tuned for the eventual sequel... "Into the Black Abyss: Coming Back."