From: Anderson Newsgroups: alt.tv.x-files.creative Subject: NEW: Falling (1/2) - Post "Pusher" Date: 28 Feb 1996 20:29:46 GMT OK-Here it is. Pusher was just too good to let pass by without writing an "after the episode" piece. This is also my very first attempt at a M/S romance slash relationship piece. While I am a strict non-relationshipper as far as the show goes, fanfiction is another matter entirely. All the fun and none of the consequences. So, if you can't stand this sort of thing, find something else. Rating? Nah. Nothing too bad here. Maybe PG? Spoilers? - Yeah. If you haven't seen 3rd season's "Pusher," this will be lost on you. Thanks to Paula Graves for her input and suggestions. Disclaimer: Dana Scully, Fox Mulder, and all things X-File belong to the brilliant Chris Carter, Ten-Thirteen Productions, and Fox Broadcasting. Anything else is mine. I have no intention of deriving any material profit from this in part because I don't have the drive or the connections. I use the characters in admiration and for recreational purposes only...LITERARY recreation that is. Falling (1/2) by S. Anderson Fairfax Mercy Hospital Arlington, VA Fingernails dug into the skin along her hairline. The stinging sensation helped to choke back small convulsions. When she was able to check reality through the wild images in her head, FBI Special Agent Dana Scully noted she was indeed still outside Fairfax Mercy Hospital sitting on the bumper of the SWAT van. Red and blue lights swam on every flat surface around the massive gathering of law enforcement. An hour before, the van had recorded a prelude to the tragedy she had just experienced. With her head supported by both quaking hands, Scully looked through her fingers at her partner, Fox Mulder. He was rooted in the rear of a Fairfax Co. Police car recounting his story yet again for two more FBI agents: how he got into the room, why he was the only one with a weapon, and how Robert Modell ended up with a bullet in his chest. Mulder leaned his head against the back of the seat without ever removing his attention from Scully. She couldn't meet his long distance plea no matter how much she wanted to. Scully couldn't process or move or speak; only remember and hear. Remembering the barrel of a gun threatening to end her life by the hand of someone she would die for. Hearing his words in a whisper telling her to run; gasping her name. The sea of crime scene personnel parted and Mulder emerged in order to reach his partner. He was clad in just the pants and t-shirt he had worn into the nightmare; both still soaked with sweat. The heat terror provided was gone so they hung cold on his skin. Humiliation muted his steps. Fixed to the ground, Scully never heard him approach. The familiar voice startled her and she had to command nerve endings to keep every part of her still. "Review board meets in the morning at 10 am. They asked me to tell you your presence will obviously be required." She kept her head down and tried counting rocks on the ground. Her auburn hair nodded in acknowledgment. Nothing in hell or heaven could be said to wipe away the danger they were facing. It was no longer a matter of physical safety, but something greater. Decisions were being made whether they recognized it or not. Mulder had spent a lot of time considering when this woman became so necessary in life. It had come down to one of the attempts death had made at tearing them apart; moments which ironically had also included hospital rooms. Until today, saying "Good-bye" after she returned from nowhere to lay dying in front of him had been the winner in his sad contest. Scully could have easily been made of glass for all the confidence he had in reaching out. Nonetheless, it was impossible for him to concede to the abyss tempting her. Crouching in front down, Mulder held her forearms and massaged the tautness he discovered. "Did you hear me Scully?" "I heard you." She sounded bitter, angry. "Scully," he ventured. "Dana don't shut down on me. I need you..." Mulder might have left it at that, but was too scared when she began to shake. "... to stay with me. I need you to stay with me on this till we can sort through it together." "I don't want to 'sort through this together'!" She was loud and mocking. When she yanked her arms from his hands he held them up in surrender. Anything to keep her from running, he thought. "OK!...ok." Mulder's mind paced for options. "What do you want from me? Because if it's to leave you here, you might as well start swinging. It's not gonna happen." Scully looked at him for the first time and rolled her eyes in pure disgust. Desperation exploded in his arms when she shifted as if to stand and bail out. Rocketing forward, Mulder grabbed her by the shoulders and held her against the back of the van. "DON'T!" Fear drained her complexion, but he didn't care. "Don't you get it? We are still upstairs in that room." Pinning the prisoner with one hand, Mulder pointed up towards the building. He was shouting and heads were turning. Lowering the pitch, the words fell quickly through gritted teeth. "I don't have a gun and it's just the two of us, but were are still facing off because of Modell. Giving in now would be giving into HIM." Watery tracks marked his cheeks. "You said I was stronger than what he could do to me. Did you mean it Scully? What about you? Are you?" Tears flowed freely and she was unashamed. Events of the past hour left her violated. The vise was easing on her arm and allowed fear to be replaced with what felt like grief. Wiping her face, Scully pulled up the resolve she depended on when dealing with the man who confused her so absolutely. Did she ever really have any choices when it came to Fox Mulder? She looked at him directly and sighed, "I'm not going anywhere Mulder." She wondered if it might have been a smile on his lips before he let the rest of her go. "Other than home for a few hours." Mulder was rigid again and she moved quickly to comfort him. It was instinct no matter what he had done. Pale fingers removed a few damp hairs from his forehead as she tried to make him look like her friend. "I'll be back to check on Modell before I start a report." Attempts at whimsy fell empty between them. If she was going to leave she needed something to bring her back. Mulder's face spoke the same. His eyes moved over her trying to convince himself she would return and that at some point she would understand. It never occurred to her how momentous what she was about to do would become; what it would start. Scully leaned forward quickly into Mulder's space and brought herself to a halt just before him. Everything after was slow motion. At some point, her lips were touching him. They brushed the indention between his mouth and the fullness of his cheek. If he had turned at all, the kiss would have been whole; possibly making Mulder whole. He stood dumbfounded and allowed her to leave. Scully walked away without looking back; feeling him watch her. Mulder knew without hesitation today was the day she had become necessary. * * * * * Reflecting Pool Washington, D.C. 10:50 pm Only a fool would have expected him not to follow her here. Still, there was nowhere else she could have gone to think about this or to think about them. Scully heard him approach. Mulder's shoes crunched in the winter grass planted under and around their bench. "This seat taken?" Faint wisps of steam accented the request. The half smile broke her serious countenance. Without looking up, she made an invitation, "No. But I should warn you, I've experienced violent impulses." "I'm gonna have to trust you then cause my gun's in the car." This was true. Mulder had made a point to lock his weapon in the trunk. He had to meet Scully as a person and not an agent or a partner. The overcoat folded around him when he sat down. Any air of affection was quickly replaced by the silence descending around them. It reeked of reasoning cold reflection. If Mulder was going to attack these walls, he would have to start sometime. "Dana...", the tone was as close to soothing as he could produce without seeming fake. "I don't know what to..." "Do you ever notice how you use my first name?" Scully interjected with the rapid-fire question; her head bobbing in sarcasm. Mulder was at a loss. "No. Actually I haven't. Why? Do I..." "You use it like some type of flag." Scully had no intention of allowing him to participate in her point. "Anytime you need to touch me inside for any purpose, you just take it out and wave it around to dispel my defenses." There were short, nasty chortles to accent the resentment. He wasn't prepared for the immediately personal turn. "No. I never really noticed it before. I just use 'Dana' when I feel comfortable with it." "And you feel comfortable now?" Her eyes locked him in place. "If you do, you better rethink what's going on here and pull 'Scully.' back out." "Fine." She was in control and Mulder was content to give it to her if they could get past this. "What are you doing here Scully? I tried your apartment after you left Fairfax Mercy. I also tried your cellular." "I was remembering Cardinale." Maybe she didn't have the fortitude to be angry after all. She caught the concession he offered and became consumed with the need to move on. "What?" He knew she was about to relive it and couldn't resist the temptation to delay the inevitable. "I was remembering holding my gun on Cardinale. I wanted to shoot him so badly Mulder. More...more than anything I think I've ever wanted. I bargained with God to give me the strength to pull that trigger." She ventured a hesitation sure that it would wipe out her nerve. Every sound was a stutter. "I felt it digging into my finger. Even through my gloves. I felt the mechanism strain...creak in the handle..." Her voice continued to shake while a phantom weapon appeared in her grasp. Her eyes were fixed on a ghostly screen in the distance watching the scene play out again and again. Tears fell to her coat lapels and raced for the ground. "But I couldn't. I kept hearing my life slip away for even considering it. Everything, my soul maybe would have been sacrificed for one explosive moment that promised nothing after the rush." Mulder was caught up in her face. Her mouth and tears the only means of Scully's expression. "And Mulder, when I looked at you in front of Modell, I saw you waging the same war with yourself." Scully turned only her head and found Mulder transfixed. With a tone that seemed instantly sober, "Did you feel that trigger tremble against your finger Mulder? When you had it pointed at *me*?" She couldn't let up. "DID YOU?" Mulder felt more shame than he ever had in his life. There was only enough strength in him to bury his face in the heels of his palms. He pressed until it burned to pound away the answer he had to give her if he was going to be truthful. Lying was not an option when it came to Dana Scully. The weight of what Fox Mulder was about to admit brought the night crashing down around him and he leaned forward as rumbling, anguished sobs erupted from inside. The answer was there. She had it and all she could do was form the silent words "Oh God." end part 1 =========================================================================== From: Anderson Newsgroups: alt.tv.x-files.creative Subject: NEW: Falling (2/2) - Post "Pusher" Date: 29 Feb 1996 20:15:22 GMT Here's Part 2 Rating? Nah. Nothing too bad here. Maybe PG? Spoilers? - Yeah. If you haven't seen 3rd season's "Pusher," this will be lost on you. Thanks to Paula Graves for her input and suggestions. Disclaimer: Dana Scully, Fox Mulder, and all things X-File belong to the brilliant Chris Carter, Ten-Thirteen Productions, and Fox Broadcasting. Anything else is mine. I have no intention of deriving any material profit from this in part because I don't have the drive or the connections. I use the characters in admiration and for recreational purposes only...LITERARY recreation that is. Falling (2/2) by S. Anderson Scully had to get away from him. She had to leave him now. Propelling from the bench, she bolted for an escape. Panic set in at her retreat. Mulder inhaled roughly to reclaim his grief and caught her by the sleeve. The momentum brought him to his feet and desperate to hold her there. Mulder's arms reached out to lift her from the ground. Feeling her spine stiffen in fright, he looked for a way to let her go but keep her with him. Stepping forward, Mulder planted her on top of the metal railing which surrounded the reflecting pool. While she was trapped in her seat, his arms were loose and he was moving away. The knowledge allowed her to relax, a fact which punched him in the chest. He gripped the rail on either side of her. "Look, I know you don't want to be near me. So, I'll let you go, but you can't run. I can't chase you all over D.C. and that's exactly what I'll end up doing if you run away. Do we have a deal?" She reluctantly accepted and he moved to her side. Running had never been part of the Scully style. Bending over the rail, Mulder rested his elbows on the cold metal and combed the part in his hair repeatedly with his fingers. "Tomorrow morning I'm facing the review board over this. They want to know why I shot an unarmed suspect. And....and I have no answer they'll believe. You'd think I would be home pacing the floors frantic about whether or not I'll have a job anymore. But I'm not Scully, I'm here. Here with you, trying to make you understand what the hell happened." She was watching him fight for words which seemed to just wrap into circles. "You almost killed me today." Scully had not said it out loud before, but she had wanted to and took the chance with a frail effort. "NO!" Mulder stormed and pounded the railing; vibrations pealing through them. "I DIDN'T! J-e-s-u-s. For those seconds I had that revolver, I don't even think I was in my own body." Mulder stood up and rubbed his neck to try and calm down. Looking at her again, "It was like I was outside of myself...in the corner." The thoughts were flowing. "I saw myself pick up the gun and I started shouting from a distance to stop. But it was like one of those dreams where no one can hear me but me." His gestures were as ragged as the tone but it didn't matter. In her mind, Scully realized she had heard all of this before. Holly had said the exact same things to her and Skinner following his attack. Parts of the mental recording played verbatim as her partner made the petition. Mulder saw the recognition and knew where Scully was. They were still partners, still in tune one with the other. "Do you recall telling Skinner you believed Modell was responsible for his injuries? Those were your exact words, not mine." Instinct brought him back to stand before her and he didn't bother analyzing it when his arms fell around her shoulders. "Why can't you believe the same thing happened to me?" He forced Scully to keep eye contact. This was the opening he needed. Suddenly she saw through pain to the core of the fear she couldn't shake. Scully claimed the lapels of Mulder's coat for courage and leapt into unforeseen honesty. "I *can* believe the same thing happened to you. I just can't believe you couldn't fight it with *me*." She was crying again. Embarrassment twinged inside. Crying was also not a part of the Scully style and she seemed to have made a recent habit of it. "Thank you," was a whisper when Mulder drew her in and held on for life. "Thank you?" Scully pushed away just enough to see the relief rain down. "At least now I know what I'm supposed to tell you." Mulder's nose was barely an inch from her own. His hands made circles around each of Scully's shoulders. "Agent Dana Scully, you are the only reason I was able to fight with half a chance." There was nothing sly or coy about what he said. The testimony was clear and unmistakable. "No one heard my voice until I turned to put you in danger. You heard me telling you to run; telling Modell I was going to kill him." Scully closed her eyes and recognized every syllable. He had even gasped her name as she ran. Laying his chin on the top of her head, Mulder continued, "How many times did I falter at his instructions? I didn't fail Modell even when it came to my own life. Only yours...You asked me why I couldn't fight *with* you and the answer is because I was too busy fighting *for* you." He waited to see if it was enough, It was. Scully placed her hands on either side of Mulder's face. Her fingers shook with exhaustion and so they vibrated lightly against the roughness of his jaw. Lingering fear forced Mulder to look down into blue, forgiving eyes and he knew. He knew what had happened to her outside the hospital a few hours ago because he was falling. Years of necessary solitude governed all desire and need to be free with her. In an instant, touching her became the only option if he wanted honest freedom from the demons of guilt and self-denial he carried on his shoulders everyday. Yet again, Dana Scully would have to be the champion. His pleas might as well have been spoken. Mulder kept his eyes open following Scully's mouth as it met his; her clouded face filling his vision. It was brief and barely there, but it happened. Scully pulled away first in order to focus on this man in front of her. Mulder lost all nerve and avoided her questioning gaze by studying her throat which moved with hesitant breaths and swallows. What was he going to do? This was real and bigger than any flirtation or fantasy. All of those moments before had been sterile by circumstance; form with no intended substance. Now, though. Now all he could hear was his own voice begging her to run from him in that hospital room. What if it had been their last moment together? It was the single question he could form in his mind. None involving professional standards. None involving risk. Only this one asking him to be vulnerable on more time in his life for this woman, this equal. Mulder s arms eased down to tighten around her waist while his hands roamed the length of her spine. Raising his head to meet her eyes again, it was his turn to defy logic. The kiss was longer and without any doubt as to his need, but no more urgent. The sensations were soft and fragile. These new moments between them were not about lust or physical desire. They were about surrender and acceptance. They were about coming home. Bound by the warmth and moisture of their mouths, the two were content to share second after second without movement. When Scully's body finally demanded a deep stabilizing breath, she broke from him; resting her forehead against Mulder's. Cold breezes had long been replaced by the protection of their embrace. All of Mulder's reasons to run fled one by one for each time he inhaled her presence. Still, he waited for the rationalizations to begin. It was no shock his stomach clinched when she spoke in a low, even voice. "Mulder...if you aren't sure...sure about this or if you need to stop. Please do us both a favor and say so now. I need to trust you to stop this if it's a mistake." Mulder released his gut in a burst of broken laughter; careful to express relief. "If you're counting on my self control these days Scully..." The words were lost in a quiet chuckle they both shared. She couldn't resist touching him again. This time Scully's hands cupped Mulder's face with more possession. She had him. For however long this moment would last, Mulder belonged to Dana. When she lifted hazel eyes to hers, he was still laughing softly. There were lines around those eyes which Scully rarely saw unless he was truly laughing. They were plainly visible as she ran her thumbs over them, a temptation she had denied herself regularly in their entire time together. The caress was powered by longing and it charged the very air around them. Laughter faded and was replaced with an ache dawning in Scully as well. Neither made a sound. Scully realized she was the pioneer tonight. If a tender exchange was going to become intimate, it would have to be her. Finding relief from the emotional currents in Mulder's stare, she discovered his mouth again; studying it for inspiration which came immediately. Two fingers trailed along the bottom half and his eyes drifted close at her touch. Mulder thought his legs would give way and leaned against Scully's knees for support. How many times had she thought about kissing that place? A hundred? A thousand? With every half grin or pout, or even when he pinched it while reading, she had marveled at the idea of tasting him there. No more daydreams. She wanted it to be real. As her hands weaved through the hair at his neck, Dana Scully leaned forward again and drew his lower, full lip trembling just inside her mouth. Mulder's body fell numb in desire and surprise. Scully's surged with the power she felt by holding him this way. Where on God's earth had she dreamt of this? There was no fanfare when she allowed his lip to slide from her capture. Sight returned slowly to find her once flippant, masculine partner flushed and speechless. Feeling seeped back through the pores of Mulder's skin; every inch of which now begged to be touched by Dana Katherine Scully. Scully reached behind her and removed the man's hands and brought them to her lap. Their fingers interlaced while her smile returned in an attempt to dissolve the thickness hanging between them. Mulder wanted to curse the passing opportunity to erase years of regret. She spoke first, "Not that I don't want to stay, but after the day we've had..." He shook his head in agreement, "We don't want to let our bodies make decisions about ..." He sighed, shrugged, and searched the stars for something. What? About What? He couldn't finish. He didn't want to assume anything more would come of tonight. "...rushing this." She finished the sentence and placed a small kiss on their hands before releasing them. Had she said "rushing" and not "doing"? "Rushing" implied continuing and eventualities. "Doing" implied a decision had yet to be made. "Rushing" implied that there was no longer a question. The observation gave Mulder room in his heart to let Scully go for now. When he back away, she hopped from the railing and turned to him. Fishing in her pockets for keys Scully offered, "Walk me to my car?" "Do I get to carry your books too?" The everyday Mulder facade was back though the change could not be hidden completely. "No. But you can carry my gun." Not a hint of pause could be heard in her voice. Stone cold reason was evident in her posture and glare. Mulder could see the trust and forgiveness he needed more desperately than her kiss, despite the fact it had been spectacular. "Good enough." He reached beneath her overcoat and placed one hand at the small of Scully's back again to press it against the holster covered by her suit. Feeling the heat from his palms radiate through her clothes, Scully slipped one arm around his waist and they headed for her car. Together. the end "I made this" --- All comments welcomed and even wished for. There are no plans for a follow-up. However, if you really liked it and want to run with it I'd be excited to see what you do. Just let me know so I can be on the lookout. Anderson s_anderson@social.chass.ncsu.edu