From: "Miszti, Erica" Subject: Black Top (1/1) by Erica Miszti Date: Tue, 1 Jul 1997 19:03:38 +0100 TITLE: Black Top AUTHOR: Erica Miszti EMAIL: xhamadryad@hotmail.com RATING: PG CLASSIFICATION: VAR SUMMARY: Scully tries to get Mulder to talk to her on a personal level. NOTES: Well Scully wants it to be a Mulder/Scully romance, whether he goes for it is another matter. I wrote this after watching Small Potatoes and, while this isn't based on the episode in any way (no spoilers), anyone who's seen the ep should see how much it's influenced by it. DISCLAIMER - See end of story. XXXXXXXXXXXXXX Black Top (1/1): "Why do you think I'm here Mulder?" Scully asked suddenly into the quiet of the car. "Because we're in the middle of nowhere and you can't get out of the car while it's moving?" Mulder quipped wryly gesturing to the black and empty stretch of road they were driving down. Scully's shoulders sagged slightly. "Or, of course, if you meant it in a more meta-physical sense, you could well ask why *any* of us are here. Are we just organisms living out a small fragment of a grand cosmic patchwork in which life just continues with no real purpose? Are we irrelevant creatures with grand opinions of ourselves? Or maybe we have a destiny waiting to be fulfilled somewhere out there in the cosmos?" "I meant it a little more personally than that." Scully muttered. "Oh, you mean, like do *you* have a part to play in this cosmic mission of life?" Mulder looked at her and grinned broadly. Scully pursed her lips and shrugged. "Forget about it." She said, turning her eyes back to the empty road ahead of them. Mulder watched her surreptitiously with a serious expression for a moment before concentrating fully on the road too. For a while there was silence in the car. "Mulder," Scully began. "When I first walked into your office, what did you really think of me? I mean, uh-" "Fishing for compliments Scully?" He smiled without taking his eyes off the road. There was silence again for a long moment. Then Scully snapped. "Why is that you wont answer a single one of my questions?" She demanded. "I thought I was answering." He answered, glancing at her quickly. "Are you sure you know what you're asking? Maybe if you were more direct?" "*You're* advising me to be direct?" She exclaimed incredulously. "You arrogant hypocrite!" "What, because I'm being honest?" "Honest! You have no idea of the meaning of the word." "Oh and you do!" "Yeah. I do." She glared at him. His hands were clutching tightly onto the wheel and his jaw was tight as he looked solidly at the road. Scully made an irritated sound and turned away again. She didn't see Mulder glance at her. There was silence. "So," Mulder began when the silence in the car seemed too much. "Did you manage to read the case file?" There was no response from the passenger seat. "Scully? Are you awake?" "Yes." She said flatly. "Did you hear my question?" He asked. Suddenly she turned to look at him accusingly. "Stop the car." She said. "What?" "Pull over." She stated. He just looked puzzled. "I said, pull over. Right here." Mulder complied, even though he had couldn't understand why. As soon as the car had stopped, Scully had the door open and was out into the darkness of the night. Mulder stopped the engine and was out of the car after her in an instant. She set a brisk pace and he actually had to run to catch her. "Go away Mulder." She threw over her shoulder as she carried on walking regardless of him. "Scully, where are you going?" He demanded. "What do you care?" She replied. Mulder hurried up and caught her arm, swinging her to a stop. "Hey! You mind explaining what you meant by that." "What did it sound like?" "What's gotten into you?" "Oh, just go away Mulder." She shouted up at him and tried to break free of his restraining hand. "Not until I get an explanation." He wouldn't let go. "You want an explanation! What makes you think you deserve one? I've been after one for four years. I think I only just came to my senses and finally saw that I've had the answer all along!" She struggled and managed to get free, but Mulder grabbed hold of her again. This time he held squarely onto both her shoulders. "Let go of me." She said threateningly. "No." He replied. "Not until you calm down and tell me what's wrong." "That's what wrong!" Scully said emphatically. "You don't even see it. Maybe I was stupid to think you ever would." "What do want me to see?" He asked softly. "You really are a cold bastard, aren't you Fox?" Her voice was artificially pleasant. His face betrayed his shock at her use of his name. She sneered at him. "Don't like me calling you that do you Fox?" "Scully-" He said threateningly. "Good. I'm glad you don't like it, because that's how I feel every time you say *my* name. I hate it. You've actually made me hate the sound of my own name. That's what you've done to me! Not Duane Barry or the men who took me, YOU! They didn't feel the need to mess with my heart or destroy my soul, no you did that all on your own." His hands fell off her shoulders as he stared at her. "But I can't touch you can I? I'm not Samantha. I'm here and I'm too real." She snorted in irritation. "God, you must hate me, right? They sent me back. You'd have preferred that they sent her." "That's not true." Mulder said flatly. "Isn't it? You said you were honest. Straight choice; her or me?" Scully challenged. "I made that choice once." He said flatly. "I chose you." "That's crap and you know it." She argued. "You thought it was a calculated risk or you wouldn't have taken it." "That's.." Not true, he meant to say. "Oh don't even bring yourself down that far!" She cut in. "I can be honest too *Fox* and maybe it's past time to be." "What do you want me to say?" He asked weakly. "Nothing." She sighed. "There's nothing you can say." It was Mulder's turn to make an irritated sound and turn his back on her. "I don't understand you. I don't know what you want." He said. "That makes two of us." Scully tagged on. The silence was full and heavy, even in the cool night. "I feel that I should say something." Mulder said at length. "Yes." Scully replied. "But I can't tell you what if you don't already know." She walked up to him and touched a hand to his shoulder. Mulder tensed and she removed the hand again sadly. "I didn't mean it about Samantha, when I asked you to chose I mean. It wasn't fair." He turned to look seriously into her eyes. "It wasn't fair." He acknowledged softly. "But it was how you feel, wasn't it? You think I care more about her than about you?" "I understand that you do. You *should*. She's your sister." "I think I know what you want me to say." He smiled weakly. "I do care about you Scully. A lot." He touched a hand to her face. "It's difficult for me to say. Every time I've tried with anyone before I've always had it thrown back in my face." "In protecting yourself Mulder, that's what you've been doing to me." Scully spoke insistently. "I care about you Mulder but it's difficult when you wont let me into your life." "I'm not worthy of you. I always let everyone down and everyone always let's me down." He replied seriously. "It's a cycle that I can't seem to get out of." Scully shook her head and frowned with building anger. "You don't want to." She ground out. "You enjoy playing the pitiful martyr. The hard done by hero. Even if you found Samantha alive and well you wouldn't be happy until you spoilt that relationship too. You can't see happiness even when it's in front of you." "Scully.." "Why do you think I'm here Mulder?" She cut in before he could speak. "You already asked me that. I didn't answer because-" He sighed. = "..I don't know." He replied honestly. "Yes you do." She stated. "I don't!" He exclaimed. "You must-" She tried. "I don't!" He repeated. She clamed up and turned away. "Scully?" He touched her arm and she flinched away. "I don't understand why you're being like this." He said to the floor, then sighed and ran a hand through his hair. "I thought you knew. How can you not know?" Scully said almost under her breath. "Then tell me Scully." He begged her. "Tell me why you're here. I want to-" "I love you." She said so softly that it was barely audible. "...understand." He finished, then realised what she'd said. "What did you say?" He demanded. She swung back and stared up at him. "I love you." She said angrily. "Alright? Feel better now you know?" She took in his stunned expression and sneered. "Oh poor Fox, he never knew! Never even realised. I've finally got through that exterior haven't I?" She laughed. "Good, I was starting to think that I couldn't manage it." And she laughed. Hysterically. Mulder's hands suddenly shot out and grasped her shoulders, forcing her to look up at him. "Stop it Scully!" She just laughed harder. "Stop it!" He shook her into silence. "Stop it!" They were both breathing heavily as they stared into each other's eyes. His were wide with shock. "God! You mean it don't you?" "You think I'd lied about it." Scully sighed. "Do you imagine that I ever wanted to love you. I didn't mean to, it wasn't part of the plan but somehow it happened and I can't make it go away." She broke the eye contact. "I wish I could stop loving you." "Don't say that." He said harshly and she was compelled to look back up at him. His eyes were dark and troubled, with tears threatening. "No one's ever said that they loved me and made me believe it. I don't deserve it." "Yes you do." She replied with a sad smile. "That's the worst thing about it all. You need someone to love you so much that you never doubt it again." "Are you applying for the job?" He teased quietly, returning the sad smile. "I thought I already had." She commented with a trace of wry laughter. "You *love* me?" He asked as if he couldn't believe it. "I shouldn't flatter your ego-" She began but then stopped and pulled herself up on it. "Actually, ignore that. I think that you need it flattered." She smiled broadly. "If I lived forever I'd never be able to tell you how special you are. Yes. I love you." Mulder grinned and took her hands. "You're real Scully. I can't say that Samantha means less to me than you do or that I'll stop searching for the truth about her but you're the most real thing in my life." He touched a gentle hand to her cheek again. "I've never really known what love should be; mom and dad were so distant, Samantha so unreal and all the woman have been so fake and shallow. Two-dimensional, just like the magazines and the films. I don't know if I love you Scully, but without you I'm not really alive." "I just want you to understand that my love is unconditional Mulder. You don't need to do anything more or less than you have been doing all these years. I don't expect you to change. I wouldn't want you to. It's your passion that I love, all the intensity that burns in you. It's a flame that warms me too Mulder, no matter what I've said here tonight." "No, you needed to say it. I've put Samantha before you. I've chosen her instead of you so many times and they can't be made up for by an exchange on a bridge in Bethesda, but she isn't as real to me as you are at this moment." He paused to look at her. "Can I kiss you Scully?" "No." She said after a moment. He looked hurt. "You wouldn't know why you were doing it." She smiled reassuringly and slipped her hand into his. His gaze slid down to look at their joined fingers. Scully squeezed gently. "Let's go home." "Have I answered all the questions?" He smiled. "Everyone, except what you *really* thought of me when I walked into your office." She countered. Mulder shrugged philosophically. "You want the truth?" He shot back. "Uh-huh." Scully agreed. The smiled turned into an outright grin. "I thought that you were the devil disguised as an angel and sent to torment me. I was right." "No." She denied. "I want to love you and look after you." THE END XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX "Why is this so hard to believe?" Fox Mulder - Terma DON'T FORGET THE DISCLAIMER! It is out of respect that I put this disclaimer stating that The X Files are the property of Chris Carter. I find it no hardship to do so. I would hope that other writers would grant me the same respect if an idea of mine grew to the same proportions as The X Files. This disclaimer cannot prevent litigation against me, which is okay because that's not why I put it here. Respect must go where it's due. I hope that anyone who reads this understands it's meaning but, whether you do or don't, please feel free to write to me about it. This is not a justification for some of the actions committed by people on Chris Carter's behalf in the suppression of free speech. Feedback positively begged for- ****** Erica.Miszti@premium-mail.co.uk xhamadryad@hotmail.com ***Classified Writings*** http://www.geocities.com/Area51/Cavern/1919/fanfic.htm "It's not a prison if you never try the door." Jonathan Blumen, The Ethical Spectacle - http://www.spectacle.org/296/ It's not open, so I'm knocking on the door- -- End --