From: "Sammi Moch" Subject: AtWitW:Aftermath (R) 1/2 by Sammi M. Date: Thu, 24 Jul 1997 02:08:29 PDT All the Wishes in the World: Aftermath (R) (1/2) by Sammi M. sammi7@airmail.net jhourdhaun@hotmail.com g_moch@venus.twu.edu Classification: SA (Mulder-angst, Scully-angst, Skinner-angst) Rating: R for now, for adult situations; language; violence; flashbacks of RAPE Spoilers: None Keywords: Mulder, rape, counseling Summary: Mulder has to face his demons. ********************************** Archive: Yes ATXC: Yes ********************************** Disclaimer: I know this means nothing if you were to call me out on it, but it makes me feel better to say that you, Chris Carter, Fox Broadcasting and 10-13 Productions own the main characters. I'm torturing them no worse than you do when you allow the characters into a John Shiban teleplay. Here's the third story. Thanks to all who wrote about the first two. It has definitely helped me in writing this story. If you have no idea what I'm talking about, check out AtWitW: Incident and AtWitW: Recovery. Since you can't go directly to the other stories at the archives, you can find the first two at http://web2.airmail.net/sammi7/adultlinks.html This is still not a pretty story. So, you should probably prepare yourself for a much bumpier ride in this one more than the others. This is Mulder's story. Scully and Skinner have their own demons to deal with here, but this one either makes Mulder or breaks him. As I'm writing the introduction, I can't say how it's going to end. I know *I* want him to make it to the epilogue, but, as in most of my stories, this one is writing itself and I'm just along for the ride. Rape is a brutal crime. It is a crime of power and it invades every aspect of the victim. Though it is the same crime perpetrated against both women and men, each gender has its own problems stemming from it. Physically, Mulder's recovering pretty much on schedule; mentally, there's a lot he hasn't dealt with and he's going to come face-to-face with most of it in this story. So, there is no romance, lots of hurt and barely any comfort here. If you're looking for a fairy tale, this ain't it. Because I think this one isn't going to offer the closure a lot of people have been asking for, I intend to write an epilogue that takes place a year after the incident. Hopefully, it will answer some questions and ease some people's minds. But, and I *must* stress this, there will not be a "this-all-leads-to-M&S-sex" story. Sexuality will be addressed in Survival, but not in a romantic way. That's not what this is about. This is the third part of a three-story arc plus an epilogue. The epilogue is AtWitW: Survival. ************************************************** Dedicated to a lost man who just happened to be an officer in the wrong place in time. ************************************************** Feedback will be welcome and this can be discussed on fictalk. ************************************************** All the Wishes in the World: Aftermath by Sammi M. "I owe you one." A rather harmless phrase when one thinks about it, but it can mean so much more depending on the situation. For a man who sees no end in sight to his private hell, it can be a lashing out at others for denying him what was his. It can be an oath sworn to the devil for consigning him to a fate worse than any death imagined. Or, it can be a promise of a tentative future filled with a hesitant hope. _________________________________________________ --- "You're mine, Fox! Mine!"--- Special Agent Dana Scully watched as her partner moved restlessly on the back bed of the van. She told herself that if it grew to full-scale thrashing, she'd awaken him. *Maybe this is just him trying to get comfortable. These backroads can be rough.* "Sir, I think we might need to stop. I'm concerned about Mulder." *Isn't that why we're doing this, Scully?* Walter Skinner gently maneuvered the vehicle to the side of the road. He turned and watched as his agent went to check on the other man he felt so responsible for. He, too, had noticed the man's growing agitation. He wondered what thoughts were running through Fox Mulder's mind as he drifted in an unpleasant, drugged sleep. "Is everything all right, Scully?" "His temperature's back up and I don't like how he's breathing." She turned concerned eyes to her boss. "How much further do we have? I really want to have him secured in a bed before I administer any more meds." They had been travelling for most of the day. First by ambulance, offered by a friend of Dana's to ease the first leg of travel, then by a private plane, offered by Mrs. Mulder to ease her conscience, and now by van. *It's been nearly three months since the initial rape and his body still hasn't gotten over this. If his body is having problems what about his mind? Maybe this wasn't such a good idea.* The thrashing increased. "No!.... I ... let me go! .... Stop! .... i do - do ...n't ... i ...can't take ... SCULLY!" "It's okay, Mulder. It's Scully. I'm here. I'm right here." Scully frantically worked to calm the man in the midst of his internal terror. "Mulder! It's only a dream. Come on back, Partner. It was just a dre...." Before she could finish, his eyes flew open and he stared at her until she could only lower hers. For the briefest of moments, Mulder had believed her. *It was only a dream.* Then she lowered her eyes and he knew she had lied. He pulled away from her and felt the slight twinge from parts of him that still hadn't quite healed. Tears rushed back to his eyes as he remembered every detail of what had happened to him in glorious Technicolour. He fought the memories as they prepared to repeat themselves on the endless loop that didn't stop even when he was asleep. Mulder could feel the concern flowing from his partner, and, though a tiny part of him reveled in her discomfort, he quickly sought to ease her mind. "Closer to a nightmare, Scully, but I'm back from it." He caught Skinner's worried gaze. "How much further? The walls are starting to close in." "Not too much further." The older man turned back and squinted at a sign further down the road. "Looks like our turn-off ahead." Looking up to the rearview mirror. "It's only about five miles from there. You think you can hold out for that long?" Mulder smiled a smile that held little emotion and didn't reach his eyes. "I've waited longer for things; I think I can make this." _________________________________________________ "Talk to me, Mulder. It's the only way I'm going to know what you're feeling." Darren urged the man staring out the window. "Save the bonding for someone who needs that shit. I'm fed up with it." The counselor lifted an eyebrow. This was the first time in the three days he'd been here that his client had used profanity. All the other times they'd met, he'd been so civil the politeness had been almost cutting. Maybe they were getting somewhere. "I wasn't trying to bond. There's no way we can bond over something like this because I've never experienced it like you have. But, I think we can work through what you're feeling, together. I'm here to help you." Mulder turned almost black eyes to the man and maneuvered his chair to the unmarked safety line. "You wanna help? Figure out a way to get me the fuck out of this chair permanently! I'm sick of having to depend on it. Tell my fucking muscles to forget about the damage and support me for more than a few hours like their supposed to. Tell my body to heal so that I'm not too weak I have to depend on my partner and my boss to get me to the bathroom! Tell my fucking hands to stop shaking so that I can feed myself without having half of it end up on me *before* I can decide I'm not hungry! That's the kind of help I need." He pushed himself closer to the man sitting at the table. "If you can't do any of that, then stop wasting my time and yours!" The agent turned his wheelchair around and moved back to the window he had been staring out of earlier. "I think that's pretty clear." Darren stood. "I'm gonna give you a break for a few hours. Let you take a breather, so that you'll be all fresh and ready to talk for this afternoon's session." He moved to the door and grabbed the knob. "Give it a chance, Mulder, and we'll be able to get a handle on this." The counselor left the room, closing the door firmly behind him and headed for the kitchen area where he knew the others were waiting. Scully and Skinner sat at the table drinking coffee and he was surprised to find a cup already waiting for him. Judging by the looks they gave him, he knew they had heard the last session. "I know what you're thinking, but that was actually a good one." Scully turned surprised eyes to the younger man. "It didn't sound that way. In all the time I've known Mulder, I've never heard him attack in that manner; it's not his style. How could that be good?" "He's getting angry. That's one of the best things for him right now." Sipping his coffee. "Mulder's cut off a lot of his emotions, Dana." At her skeptical look, he continued. "I know he's cried, but in situations like this, tears are almost a surface emotion. They're used a lot of times to cover the deeper feelings. Most people don't try to get past the tears because they're uncomfortable with them. Hence, the survivors can build a stronger wall. My job and yours is to get beyond the surface and help him release the anger and fear deep within him. We're going to have to force him to confront his feelings or else he's not going to make it." Something about Darren's statement ate at Skinner. Though he recognized it as a clear plan, he couldn't shake the nagging feeling that plagued him after those words were spoken. No matter how hard he tried to overlook it, he just couldn't. What right did they have to do this to Mulder? To his friend? "Don't you think Mulder's been *forced* enough during this situation?" ______________________________________________ A few days later "Looking good, Mulder." Scully smiled. "I think once you're no longer dependent on the cane, you should keep it. It adds something to your rakish mystery and charm." "Rakish mystery and charm?" Feigning a Southern accent as he limped along the path. "Why, Agent Scully, I didn't know you cared." Scully tried to place the air that surrounded her partner, but it kept eluding her. She watched as he limped his way to the edge of the woods and back. He seemed excited. *Who wouldn't be considering? The wheelchair's old news. He said he'd be out of it his first week here and he is. He did it.* Then it hit her. *He's enjoying himself. Mulder is actually happy that he's done this." Scully visibly shook herself to dispel the thoughts in her head and turned an even more dazzling smile onto her friend. She could hear Skinner and Darren coming out of the house and she figured Mulder'd had enough exercise. "I think we should call it a day. You've done pretty good. You're still not up to any marathons, but you're making progress. I'm really proud of you." For a second, the light returned to the agent's eyes as he marveled at his accomplishment. But, only for a second as the light hit Darren's hair just so. "Oh, God!" Mulder screamed as his legs gave out under him. His partner rushed to his side and bent to help him, worried he'd injured himself again. "NO! DON'T TOUCH ME! DON'T ANY OF YOU TOUCH ME!" The terrified screams had the other men rushing to their sides and Mulder felt the ground shake with their movements. --- "What's the matter, Fox? Scared that I'd left you? Don't you know I'd never leave you? That I'd come running to you? No matter where you were."--- "Oh, God! Make it stop. Make him stop! He's dead, damn you! DEAD! Why is he in my head!" Scully had jerked away after his first demands and she seemed to be shaking despite the heat that surrounded them. Skinner watched helplessly as Mulder attempted to collapse himself into the smallest ball his six foot frame could get into. Darren dropped to his haunches and crossed his arms around himself to keep from touching the distraught man. "Mulder. He's not here. You said it yourself; he's dead. He can't hurt you anymore; he can't hurt anyone anymore." He gestured for Scully to go into the house and turned a frowning face to her boss when she ignored him. He turned back to the man on the ground and focused on him even after he felt her turn and angrily stomp back to the house. "Listen, Mulder. Either you get up on your own or Skinner and I are going to have to touch you to get you into the house." A whimper. "Look. We can't let you stay out here and bake. Those are your options. Take 'em or leave 'em." Darren tried to ignore the menancing presence of the A.D., but his fear got the better of him as he heard what amounted to a human growl. He tossed a look at the older man and repositioned himself so that he was facing him. "What's it gonna be?" No response. "Okay, fine." Nodding at Skinner and ignoring his scowl. *Boy, am I in for it now. I guess I better review my 'Tough Love' training while we're taking him in, otherwise, I'm probably going to be out of a job and my life.* "Walter, I need you to ..." __________________________________________ Sessions: "I don't see why I have to be here. Mulder's the one having to deal with this. I'm not important." "That's where you're wrong, Walter. You're just as vital to his recovery as Dana. Maybe, more so." "And how do you see that?" A humourless chuckle. "I know you haven't known them for long, but it doesn't take a close confidante to know they're devoted to each other. I don't fit into that." "What would you say if I told you he thinks of you as his anchor?" A noticeable reaction. "Surprised you, didn't it?... He's using your strength to push himself onward. He's focusing on you like he would a father and so far you haven't let him down." Reading from a folder. "'He hasn't blamed me for what happened and he's never once refused to help me or ... touch me. He doesn't flinch when I lose my blance and fall on him and he's never once acted like I disgust him. He's sort of like my rock when I need shelter.' Now. Does that sound like you're unimportant?" Confusion. "But, what about Scully?" "Mulder has other issues to deal with concerning Dana. Right now, he's relying on your strength and presence to help him through." "My strength?" Massaging temples. "Shit! What strength? I couldn't help him when he needed me the most! I couldn't find him!" A shaky breath. "You want to know what happened when we found ... them? I saw what that ... *animal* was doing to him and I ... froze." Disgusted. "When we came through that door, all I could see was Mulder .... underneath .... that ... that .... Everything around me shut down and I could only focus on what Hennessey was doing to him. For the second time in my life, I felt totally helpless." Trying to calm himself. "I only started breathing again when I heard Scully shoot the bastard. Some strength, huh?" Distressed. "When my best ... agent needed me the most, I let him down." Pausing. "I have to be here for him. It's the least I can do." Hatred. "But, I can tell you this, though. If Hennessey were still alive, I guarantee you I wouldn't let Mulder down now." %%%%%%%%%%%% "I'm scared, Darren." "Of what?" "What if he's never the same? What if he can't bounce back? What if this is what he has to look forward to for the rest of his life? What kind of existence is that?" "You'd be there for him, right? You and Walter?" "I'd want to be there, but .... would *he* want me there?" "Why would you think that, Dana? Has he said anything to you?" Chagrined. "No. He hasn't said anything." Thinking. "He hasn't *said* anything." A deep breath. "It's just, sometimes, I'll catch him looking at me almost like he ... hates me." "Isn't that a little extreme?" "I'm sorry. I didn't mean that like that. I meant ...." Flustered. "I meant....." Giving in. "That's exactly what I meant. There have been times when I've turned and caught him looking at me with so much hatred that I've had to leave the room." Almost silently. "Not that I could blame him." "You can't blame him for hating you? But, he's your partner. That doesn't seem right." "Neither does leaving him in Hennessey's hands as long as I did." Frustration. "I was there when he profiled that monster. I gave him the forensic evidence that provided Mulder with a pattern. I should have known something like this could happen. I'm a trained law enforcement official, for God's sake! I could have stopped this from happening." Angry tears. "He wouldn't be going through this if I had just ... just ...." "Just what, Dana? Short of living, breathing, ... dying. What could you have done in preventing this?" "I could have ... I could .... He's my partner; I could have ... should have done something." "You did do something. You killed the man who was hurting your partner. Do you regret that or see it as not enough?" Steel. "I could never regret that." %%%%%%%%%%%%%% "So. What's a good counselor run these days? Are you getting paid by the hour or salaried?" "You know, Mulder. If you'd stop being the Ph.D Smartass, we might actually get somewhere in these sessions." "Your bedside manner sucks." "No one would fault me considering who I'm dealing with. In fact, I might even be applauded." Assessing the situation. "I hate him." "What?" "I said I hate him. Hate him for what he's done to me. Hate him for how I feel; how I should feel but don't. I hate him for taking away my security." Deep breaths. "I'm sure you've been told about all of the scary stuff I had to deal with before. Well, strange thing about that is I was scared, but I felt secure no matter what. Don't get me wrong. I knew there were times Death was waiting, but I was always secure in the knowledge I was searching out the truth or that there would be a purpose to my sacrifice." Lost. "He took that away from me. I couldn't honestly say there was a purpose to what I did any more." Shrugging. "I hate him for that." "Sheesh, Mulder. You sure know how to surprise a guy." "Well, you were the one who wanted to cut the bullshit. I was only happy to oblige." __________________________________________________ --- "Foooxxx. Come out. Come out. Wherever you are. I'm ready to play again, aren't you? I've missed you, sooo much." "No! Stay away from me Hennessey! I'm not going to play your sick games any more." --- "Ohhh, don't say that. You and I are friends and I always take good care of my friends. Come on and play, Fox. You'll enjoy it as much as the last time. You remember the last time, don't you? We had so much fun. You screamed for me and I gave you exactly what you wanted." --- "NO!" Mulder shot up in his bed and fumbled for the bedside light. Scully and Skinner bolted into the room, checking it out for intruders. When they realized everything was clear, they headed for opposite sides of the bed to comfort the hysterical agent. "Mulder, you're fine. It's just you, me, Walter and Darren. No one else is here." She gently brushed the hair from his frantic eyes as she soothed him. "Hennessey can't hurt you ever again. He's gone, Mulder." "Prove it." Startled. "What?" "Since you're so fucking sure he's gone, I want you to prove it. Do something to show me he's never coming back." Looking between the two agitated agents. "Away from your reports and your empirical knowledge, you can't do it, can you? You can say he's gone until you're blue in the face, but you can't PROVE IT!" Skinner tried to calm his agent. "Mulder, I can assure you Hennessey is very much dead. I saw ..." "But I didn't. Don't you see? I didn't see him die! All I've had were your words. I never saw it; I never felt it. I never knew. It should have been mine to know." "What are you saying?" "I'm saying, you had no right, Scully, to take my closure from me. I was the one he was destroying. It was for me to destroy him." The shaking had started almost from the time she'd run into the room. She couldn't control it - almost reveled in it because it meant she was feeling something. But, suddenly, the shaking stopped. A hot, white fury replaced it, and, for the first time since the incident, she ignored his pain in favour of her own. "How dare you! How dare you turn on the one person who has done everything in her power to get you through this." Glaring at Skinner. "No, he needs to hear this." Turning back to Mulder. "I put my career on the line so that you'd never have to look that son-of-a-bitch in the eye ever again. I did this for *you*! I blew that bastard's brains out so that you could live a little easier - breathe a little better knowing that he could never hurt you again. I blamed myself for not finding you sooner and I tore my soul apart with your screams and this is how you treat me!" Scully moved closer to her partner and grasped his arm as tight as she could even though she could feel his intense trembling. "Do you know what I see every time I close my eyes, Mulder? I see Hennessey over you, fucking you to the point of death and up till now, I felt like it was my fault." Releasing him and turning away. "Every tear you shed, I felt it because I didn't find you in time. Every time you moaned, it was because I didn't check on you that weekend. Every time you tried to destroy your miserable life, I thought I should die with you because it was my fault you were feeling this. Every time you had to remember what he did to you, I prayed to God that it had been me instead of you. Do you know what I was asking for? Do you care? I was willing to take your place in something so horrible just because I couldn't bear to see you dealing with this pain. But, no more!" Standing. "No more, Mulder. No. More." Quietly. "I'm tired. I did what I could to make this easier on you, but it wasn't enough. It could never be enough. I gave you everything I had ... and .... I just have nothing else to give." She turned back towards her partner and everything stopped. What she saw erased all of the other thoughts and anger away in a moment. Mulder clutched Skinner's robe in a death grip that seemed almost impossible considering the pallor of his skin and the raggedness of his breathing. He could barely sit upright, even with his boss holding him up. Anger and recriminations flowed from Skinner as he tried to calm his agent and shield him from anything more. "I think you've said enough, Agent Scully." Unsure. "Sir, I ..." Pleading and moving toward them. "Mulder, I didn't ..." "That will be all, Scully." Defeated. "Yes, Sir." She turned and walked to the door, closing it as she exited. As she walked towards her room, she could hear Mulder's sobs echoing through the halls and each step away seemed to bring the crying closer to her. The hallway that had seemed wonderfully short as she was racing towards Mulder and his nightmare, suddenly seemed too long as she moved closer to her destination. Darren waited for her at her door and quietly took her in his arms and hugged her as the tears began to flow. As gently as he could, he soothed her. "Oh, God, Darren. What have I done?" Breaking down. "What have I done?" _________________________________________________ Sessions: "How is he? Walter won't let me anywhere near him. Not that I blame him." "We've talked about how Mulder tends to take on the blame for everything, but have you noticed that you do as well? At least, where he's concerned?" "Are you trying to tell me he's rubbing off on me? I suppose if anyone could make blame and guilt contagious, it would be Mulder." "You do have a point." Sobering as she does. "He's okay, Dana. What you said hurt, but it got him to thinking. Sort of like a bad scratch makes you think twice about climbing a fence. Even though it might not seem like it, your blow-up probably pushed him farther than anything else we were doing." Smiling. "You helped him more than you hurt." "Then why does it feel so bad? Darren, I saw what my words did to him. I saw how much ... how it looked like it would break him. I told myself that no matter how bad it got, I would never hurt him and then I ..." Crying. "I have never been so sure of what I was doing as when I blew Hennessey away and yet ... I now feel like I was so wrong." Trying to steady herself. "I've had to reconcile my work and the killing involved with it to my oath and doing no harm, but this feels so way beyond that. I honestly believed I was helping Mulder when I shot his rapist. I was doing more good than harm. But, now, ... now, I don't know anything any more?" Taking a deep breath. "How could I have been so wrong?" %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% I separated the story like this deliberately because we're headed for the darker side. There is a suicide attempt in this one and a lot of terror on Mulder's part. I could understand if no one wanted to read it because, right now, I don't want to write it. It has taken me a month to get to this and it was what I had been dreading. I am not an angst queen and I'm sure those that are will laugh at my piddling attempt at it, but writing this was not a picnic. %%%%%%%%%%%%%%% "Why'd she take it from me, Darren? What right did she have to take what was mine away? I deserved to kill him. I earned that right as soon as he penetrated me. I should have been the one to shoot him." "Is that how you really see it, Mulder? Do you honestly believe that Dana took your right of revenge away from you?" "I don't want to see it like that, .... but ..... it makes it easier." "How does it make it easier?" Taking a deep breath. "It's easier because I have someone to blame." Shakily. "She had no right!" Turning to stare out the window. "Because of what she did, I don't see Hennessey dead with half his head blown off; I picture him taunting me, cutting and biting and .... doing what he did to me. That's what's in my mind." "Mulder, what did he do to you?" Confusion. "What? Considering it's the whole reason you're here, you should know." "I know what he did to you, but I want *you* to tell me. Straight out. No euphemisms or dancing around it. I want you to tell me what Hennessey did to you." "Hennessey sexually assaulted me." Exasperated. "Is that what you wanted to hear? Was that the great enlightenment you were looking for?" "You can't say it, can you? You use phrases that distance you from the brutality of his act. Phrases that ... make it almost ... clinical. You're looking at what happened like you're solving a case and Scully's been cast in the role of the accessory because the suspect got away." Shaking his head. "Contrary to what you might think, this isn't helping you. In fact, it's probably hindering your progress. You're the type of person who needs to deal with this head on or else it'll keep eating away at your life." Lost. "I can't do what you're asking. I'm not up to it." Broken. "I don't think I ever will be." _____________________________________________ ----"Rise and shine, Foxy! It's time for us to have some quality time together. I'm ready for you again. I want you so much and I know you want me."---- "I don't want you! I never wanted you! You forced me into this. I didn't have a chance." ----"No, Foxy. You had a chance - you just didn't fight hard enough to take it."---- ______________________________________________ Session: Anger. "I was trained to fight - to enforce the law - and I couldn't even protect myself!" "All he had to do was hit me on the head and he took me wherever he wanted." "He knew how much I relied on my profile to catch him and he deliberately deviated from it." Rage. "I was so sure that I'd never see him again that I got sloppy. I lowered my walls because I was tired and I just let him walk right in. How could I have been so stupid! How could I have thought I was above this - that it could never happen to me?" "Fox Mulder fucked up big and there's no one to pull his ass out of the fire this time. Scully didn't do anything wrong. I did! But, what else is new? I've screwed up from the time I took my first breath, so why break with tradition? I got too cocky and I was brought down because of it." Defeated. "I deserved this, Darren. I deserved everything I got because I don't deserve anything else." "What did I do to make him hurt me like this?" A little boy surrounded by darkness. "Why did ... he .... have to ..... rape me, Darren? Why? What did I do that was so bad that this is my punishment?" ______________________________________________ Scully watched silently as her partner rocked himself in the porch swing. She noted how his eyes never left his hands and she wondered if now was the time to break in on his thoughts. Even though Darren told her it wasn't necessary, she felt she owed Mulder an apology - owed him more than that, actually. Since she had blown up at him, he'd never turned away from her or seemed to hold anything against her. *I owe him this.* She opened the screen and walked towards Mulder making sure he saw her so as not to startle him. "Hey, Partner. What ya lookin' at?" "Just a picture." "Must be a pretty fantastic one to hold your attention for so long." Sitting beside him, but not touching. "May I see it?" Mulder shrugged and handed an old print of a man standing in front of a sign that read, 'Big Bend State Park - Big Bend, Texas.' "He sent it to me about six months ago along with an email address and a 'if you ever need a friend ...' kind of thing. I didn't even know he was back until I received it." He turned solemn eyes to her. "I didn't even realize I had it until a couple of days ago when I was going through my stuff. I suppose it was a sign. I mean, what better time to need a friend than now?" Scully's lip trembled as she fought the tears. "Mulder. I'm ..." "But even needing a friend can't overcome some things, Scully." Looking out towards the woods. "I remember a story I was reading a while back in a mag about this woman who's husband had been killed by a drunk driver. The story stood out because of what was going on in her life due to the incident. You see, her husband's killer's name was Richard, but his friends called him Chuck because he looked a lot like that actor who played 'The Rifleman' on tv. Well, after he plowed into her husband's car, she would find herself getting distressed at the oddest times and she couldn't figure out why. She stopped going to her parents' house completely and had almost nothing to do with her oldest brother. For a long time the family couldn't figure out what was going on with her, so they went and discussed the problem with a psychologist. In a flash of insight, the guy explained to them that her newfound aversion to her relatives wasn't because of them, but their names. Her father and brother were Charles and Charles Jr. - aka Chuck and Chuck Jr. or CJ. She had built up such hate for the man who had taken her husband, it had overlapped onto the name and, her family. She literally had to be re-trained to like the people she had grown up with all because of a name, Scully." He reached for the photograph and looked at it. "Strange as it may seem, from that little time I knew M.... Fenig, I considered him a friend. Now, the thought of his first name is enough to break me out into a cold sweat." Forlorn. "I feel like I've buried a friend and it's all because of a simple name." Mulder raised his eyes to stare at his partner. "If Hennessey can change how I think of someone important to me, then the rest of my life looks so dark. I don't know if I can fight the darkness any more, Scully. I don't think I have the strength to do it." "What you don't have alone, Walter and I will give you. *We'll* fight the darkness. Together." _____________________________________________ Several days later: "The ventriloquist turned to the farmer and said, 'Let's see what your sheep have to say.' The farmer paled and held up his hands and screamed, 'Don't believe a word they say! They're liars!'" Darren barely gasped out the last of the joke as he collapsed laughing beside a red-faced Skinner. "Oh," Scully managed between guffaws, "that was so bad. I can't believe you told it!" Mulder laughed as he rolled on the blanket stretched out on the ground. "Just be grateful he didn't tell you the one about the ten-inch pianist and the magic lamp. I literally had to run to the bathroom this morning." He continued to laugh as he thought about both jokes, not noticing the reactions of each of the others sitting beside him. One by one, the laughter stopped and was replaced by huge smiles and barely concealed moist eyes. Scully was the first to break the group's silence. "Oh, Mulder, you don't know how long we've waited to hear that sound." "What sound?" "Your laughter." A barely contained sob. "I thought I'd never hear it again." Mulder tilted his head to look at his friend and gave her a beaming smile. Almost without thought, his hand shot out and grasped hers. He watched as her face crumpled as she lost control at his initializing contact for the first time .... in a long time. He looked at each of the people he considered his friends and with confidence replied, "With all of your help, I think I have a chance. So, ... get used to hearing it more." ______________________________________________ The thunder overhead rumbled it's anger as the sky cut loose with all of it's fury. The small group sat in the big room, each offering up different prayers to their deities in the hopes that the wild storm wouldn't claim the light one of them desperately needed to function. But, as usual, no one listened to Fox Mulder's prayers. Or, in this case, prayers offered up for him because the cabin was suddenly embraced by darkness. The only sound for a moment was someone's harsh breathing and the sound of rolling thunder, but that was enough to galvanize the rest of the group into action. "Darren, I need you to help me locate some light sources. There should be some candles and matches in the kitchen. I'm going for the flashlights. Scully, you stay with Mulder." Heading for the door. "Don't worry, Mulder. We'll have everything all taken care of in a minute." As the others left, Scully moved to the table across from the other agent and gently tried to soothe him without touching him. "How ya doing, Partner?" Silence. "Mulder?" A tiny whimper. "Come on, Mulder. I need to know how you're holding up." "I'm ... okay, ... Scully. It's just ... so dark.... I can't ..." "I know, Partner. I know. But we're all here and you're safe. You don't have anything to worry about." It seems like Fate loves statements like that because it often takes those words and flings it back into the faces of the participants. This time was no different. No sooner had she uttered those soothing phrases than an excited Darren walked toward them from the kitchen. He was so focused on lighting his candle that he didn't even think how he would look framed in candlelight. As the thin wick glowed from the tiny flame, Darren hurried to get the candle placed, not even thinking of what he was saying. "That's much better, don't you think? I think this is just the thing to keep the darkness away, eh Fox?" The light. The hair. That name. .... and the screams began. _________________________________________________ "I think there's a pad and pen in my purse. Just use those and write down what you want me to get from the store, Mulder." Scully called back through the door as she closed it and headed towards the others. "Well, he's settled down, now." Rubbing her temples. "I thought we were past this. He seemed so much better. How did this happen?" "My stupidity! I let myself get excited about getting some light to him and I completely lost control and let my mouth run free. I knew I wasn't supposed to use his first name, but ..." Skinner cut him off. "Why don't we forget the guilt and move ahead. I, for one, want to get him back to where he was earlier." Looking around. "And I think the best way to do that is to get things back to normal. On that note, I'd like to add a request for some good old-fashioned, clear-all-your-blues-away popping corn. Not to be confused with that nuke-em-and-condemn-yourself to-growths-later-on-in-your-life microwave stuff." "Sounds like a plan. Any requests from you, Darren?" "Yeah. Leaded soda. All of this caffeine-free diet stuff keeps reminding me of coloured water. It may help you live longer, but I'd rather live happier and on good terms with my taste buds." "Popping corn and regular pop. I think I can handle that as long as Mulder doesn't stack the list." Glancing at her watch. "I better hit the road if I want to make it back before it gets too late." As both men calmly watched her open the door, neither was prepared for what happened next. One minute, Scully was smiling back at them and the next she was screaming at what she saw in the room. Before either of them could make a move, a gunshot filled the house .... and then there was silence. _______________________________________________ Darren paced the entire length of the den. "We can't keep him here! He just tried to blow his brains out and we don't have the facilities to make sure he doesn't succeed the next time." "We've got him contained and the gun's out of his reach. The wound's not that bad; I can treat it here with no problem." Pleading. "He'll be fine here. He's not a danger to himself any more." "I'd believe that a lot more if I hadn't just heard you tell me how you walked in on him with a gun to his head. Do you realize that if you hadn't yelled and startled him, he'd probably be dead now? That's a chance I don't want to take again. And, without the proper facilities, that's what we'd be doing." Frustrated. " We don't have restraints; we have ties wrapped around a box spring. Not to mention the meds needed for this type of situation are nowhere around. It would be disastrous and stupid to even try and attempt something like this and I don't want anything to do with it." "Fine, then leave. Scully and I'll handle it from here and you can consider yourself absolved." Darren could only stare at them in awe of what they were saying and planning on doing. "So, it's either I leave and completely forget everything that's happened here or I deal with what he just tried to do and move forward." Watching them and shaking his head. "You people are nuts." Scully moved closer to the man and placed her hand on his arm. "Darren, please understand. We're not taking this lightly. No one knows better what he just tried to do than us. Than *me*. But, this was his third attempt and if it were to get back to the bureau, there would be no chance in hell he'd have a job to go back to and that job means everything to him. We can't let that happen, and if that means going against convention, then that's what we have to do." For several minutes, all Darren could do was stare at the agents. He could tell they knew one word from him and they'd lose everything. But, he could also tell they were willing to take the risk. That, more than anything, made his decision for him. "All right, I'll stay, but, if there is so much as a glimpse that things aren't okay, I'll toss him in a psyche ward before you can even think about what I'm doing. Is that understood?" Skinner and Scully gave him tired smiles and nods of agreement and he turned in the direction of his room. "I'm going to take a hot shower and berate myself for going along with this. Call me if you need me." They watched as he entered his room and closed the door. "That was too close. I thought for sure we'd be checking Mulder into the nearest clinic for suicide watch. We got lucky this time." No response. "Dana?" Scully forced herself to answer, "I wouldn't call Mulder grazing his head with a bullet lucky, Walter. He came so close ... " Shaking her head. "He came so close to finally ending it." She wrapped her arms around herself. "What I'm having a really hard time dealing with is that he used the gun from my purse. He didn't even think how that would affect me." "If it's any consolation, I don't believe he thought a lot about anything pertaining to his actions. If he had, we wouldn't be having this conversation; we'd probably be giving our statements to the police over his dead body. This was an act of desperation, plain and simple." "There's nothing plain or simple about any of this. Nothing at all. But, then again, when has Mulder's life been easy or plain or simple?" _____________________________________________ Scully stood quietly observing every breath Mulder took and watched for any signs he was fighting the tie-restraints. She was startled when his eyes suddenly opened and pierced her with a heart-wrenching stare. Before she could say anything, he spoke, "Do you know why I took up swimming, Scully?" He watched as she shook her head, never moving his eyes from hers. Cutting through to her soul. "When I was younger, I had heart problems and the doctor recommended either figure skating or swimming to build the muscle back up. Now, I knew skating was a sure-fired way to get my ass kicked, so I started lap swimming." He paused as a single tear rolled down his expressionless face. "My heart did get stronger and I was a pretty good swimmer, though, now, I would have been happier if none of that had happened." "What do you mean?" "When Hennessey was ... raping me, I wished so much that my heart had never gotten stronger; that I'd died when I was younger." Another pause, another tear. "But then, I realized I'd have never met you." Scully brightened at the thought that maybe he was coming out of the darkness. *Please God. Help him.* "So, I started asking that somehow the doctors were wrong and it had come back and while he was fucking me, my heart was ballooning. Just like when I was a kid. And, I was going to die just as soon as it exploded." Scully bit back the sob that threatened to overwhelm her whole body. "You don't mean that, Mulder. You can't, not after how far you've come. This was just a small setback, that's all." She caught Skinner's movement out the corner of her eye and prayed he would be strong for all three of them. *I'm tired. So tired.* Mulder's eyes shifted to include both of them in his powerful gaze. He knew he was on the edge looking over the abyss, but he couldn't find his fight. It lay in the same heap as his pride, his happiness ... his life. "Have you ever wanted to die so much you could taste it? Well, I'm there, Scully, and it's breakfast, lunch and dinner." ____________________________________________ Session: "So, why'd you do it? What possessed you to take Dana's gun and try to redecorate the walls in your room?" "It felt like the last straw." Looking out the window. "Here I was, finally starting to feel human again and not some of Hennesseys's leftovers and something small, unimportant brings everything back. You used my first name, for God's sake! And I was blubbering idiot for hours and it just started piling up and piling up. I saw that no matter what I did or how I felt, he was always going to be just that close and I didn't want to live my life like that." "And without any thought to what you'd be leaving behind, you put that gun up to your head and pulled the trigger." "But like most things in my life, it didn't go the way I planned. I think somebody up there doesn't like me." Anger. "So what! There should be enough people down here that would make you want to stay. I know of at least two that are thanking their deities that you were startled enough to only put another dent in your head. Did you think about their feelings when you decided to give Hennessey what he wanted? No, of course not or else you wouldn't have used Dana's gun to do the deed. I have to believe you were just really hurting and not thinking or else I'd have to fight the urge to shoot you myself. Dana's gun. Do you know what that would have done to her?" "All I kept hearing was Hennessey's voice .... taunting me. I did what I thought I had to." Thinking. "What did you mean by my giving Hennessey what he wanted? He's dead, or so I've been told. I can't give him anything." Frustration. "Mulder you're a psychologist; you know this stuff. It's almost first year rote. 'Rape is about power. The survivor must take back that power in order to move ahead. Once the power is taken back, the rapist has nothing over the survivor and is shown for the powerless person he/she is. The survivor truly becomes a survivor and is not pidgeonholed a victim again.' Hennessey took control when he assaulted you. Every negative reaction you've had since that time has been dictated by his original action. Looking back over his file and your case, I honestly don't think he would have killed you." "But that would have gone against everything he believed in. It would have changed his entire m.o." "And what about your case didn't? From the very beginning, he changed things. He went to your house to get you, breaking his 'home is sacred' rule; he ignored his usual fourty-eight hour cleansing ritual; he never presented you to his gods; he tortured you *before* you were dead, thereby making you an unworthy sacrifice ..." "And he didn't slit my throat once I lost consciousness." Shocked. "I was never there as one of his rituals. I was there .... fo-for him." Understanding. "Which means, that if I had .... succeeded, ... I ....I ...." "You would have given the ultimate power to him. You would have sacrificed your life to him." Shaking his head. "Based on what we know, Hennessey wouldn't have killed you like the others. They were just the means to appease his gods to get what he wanted - you. His intention was to mess you up so bad you'd have no choice but to kill yourself, then he would be triumphant. He'd come out on top." "What he hadn't counted on was Scully's need to protect me." Distraught. "Oh, man. I've been blaming her for taking him out when I should have been counting it as a blessing. Yet another, screw-up." Giving up. "It's in your hands now, so to speak. It's up to you to decide how you want to deal with it." Heading for the door and stopping. "Don't let him win, Mulder. He's not worth it." _______________________________________________ ----Foxy. Oh, Foxy. Ready to play yet? I've been waiting, but now I'm tired. I'm ready and we're on my time.---- "No! I'm sick of your games!" ----"No one ever said you had a choice in this. You were given to me to do what I wanted and I did. And I will continue to do so for as long as I want. And I want for a very long time, Fox. A very long time.---- "I'm not listening to you. You can't do anything more to me. You're dead and gone." ----"Uh uh. I'm here, just like I've always been. I'm in your head, Fox. I can make you dance and scream and cry and bend over and open yourself to me. I have all of the cards and I'm the one dealing. This is my game and you just have to play along. But, don't worry. At least one of us is going to have a wonderfully fun time.---- "NO!" ________________________________________________ Scully experienced a sense of deja vu as she watched her partner in the swing. She fought back the vertigo that nearly overwhelmed her as the other scene from before swirled before her eyes and passed what seemed like a lifetime ago. *So much feels like it's happened since then.* *But did it help him?* She pushed open the screen and headed to her spot beside him. "Have you ever had the feeling you've been here before?" He smiled. "Yeah, all the time. But I have to tell you, we've really got to stop meeting like this. People are starting to talk." "Well, what's a little talk compared to what we've been through." Aghast at her slip. "Oh, Mulder, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to bring that up when you were looking so peaceful. I'd never hurt you like that." "I know that, Scully. I know that better than anyone." He returned his gaze back to the horizon. "The last time we were here, you came to me to apologize and I wouldn't let you, remember?" She nodded. "I didn't let you because, deep down, I knew you didn't owe me anything." Scully tried to protest, but he stopped her. "You weren't to blame for anything. You saw your partner being hurt and you reacted in the only way you should have." His voice breaking. "You protected me just like you always have and ...will. I honestly believe that." Crying. "Thank you. I didn't know how much I needed to hear that until you said it. For a while, I thought you hated me." "Never. I could never hate you. You're my best friend - the best one I've ever had and the thought of losing that ... Well, let's just say, I never want to think of losing your friendship." Mulder, his hand shaking all the way, reached out and wiped the tears from Scully's face. When he was finished, he steadied himself as she returned the favour and moved his forelock as well. "But, *I* do owe you an apology. I shouldn't have used your gun. If I was going to kill myself, I should have found something else. It wouldn't have been right to leave you with that burden and I'm sorry." Trying to control his breathing. "My only excuse was that I wasn't thinking; I was reacting. My mind was so focused on getting away from Hennessey that when I found the gun, I blocked out everything else." Crying. "If I had thought about what I'd be leaving you to face, I never would have done it. I promise. I swear. But, I just didn't think about it." Turning back to her. "You believe me, right?" "Of course I do. You couldn't have hurt me like that any more than I could hurt you." She moved her arms to wrap around him, steeling herself for when he flinched but continuing until she held him. "I have wanted to keep you like this ever since I found you in that warehouse. I have wanted you to know that no matter what, you had my strength to help you through this. But, you just had to ask." Rocking the swing. "Oh, Mulder, I wish you'd never had to go through this. With all the wishes in the world, I wish that you'd never felt this kind of pain. But, since we can't change things, no matter how much we want, just know that Walter's here and I'm here and we'll be beside you whenever it seems like the darkness is getting to be too much." Shakily. "Know that, and we'll all make it through this." "I do know that, Scully." Taking a deep breath. "I won't let him win." The End 2/2 Well, the epilogue will be out soon because it's pretty short and then I am through with this series. Hip! Hip! Hooray!