MSR NC-17 (4/4) Desire Is SufferingThis is part 4/4. See part one for info etc. And so he drove to Scully's house. He kept waiting for the voice in the back of his head to kick in, the one warning him not to touch her because everything he touched turned to shit or ashes. When it did, it was less insistent than usual, and he was able to tune it out. "La la la la la," he sang, like he and Samantha had done when teasing each other, each drowning out the other's voice. What did it know, after all, that Scully didn't? Scully opened the door for him said they said shy hellos, their eyes not quite meeting. She was wearing some silky, purple pajamas, nothing lacy or plunging, just regular pajamas you'd wear in front of your mother. He didn't know if she'd changed into those for his arrival, or if she hadn't had time to change out of them. He didn't really care. She looked wonderful. The way she had to cuff the bottoms twice to keep them from dragging on the floor broke his heart. She took his raincoat from him almost formally and hung it in the closet. They walked into her living room and stood there facing each other, a few feet apart. "Can I get you something? Something to drink?" she asked. He shrugged and smiled. "No." he said. The room was lit dimly by the end table lamp. Rain sheeted against the windows outside. They looked at each other as the moment stretched on until at the same instant the refrigerator kicked in and they each took two steps forward and walked into each other's arms. He clasped her to his chest fiercely and her arms snaked around his waist, inside of his suit jacket. He felt relieved she hadn't reneged on the promise her voice held over the phone, pretended she'd invited him over for some warm milk and another pep talk. Because this is what he had come for, her soft body pressed against his without reservation, her head sideways against his chest, his chin resting on his head. Her hair smelled like peaches and he burrowed his face in it, driving the smell of failing bodies from the back of his throat for the first time in weeks. They stood like that, rocking together almost imperceptibly for longer than he would have thought he could stand, until their breathing had slowed and matched and the apartment had grown quiet. At that moment, Mulder was completely relaxed for the first time in he didn't know how long, maybe since he'd gotten that letter from Scully so many months before. Maybe since way before that, since he was twelve and he still had a little sister around to bug him. Finally, Mulder brought a hand around her and lifted her chin with his index finer. Moving slowly, he planted lingering kisses on her forehead and her temple, her cheek and her jaw. God, he was tired. And she felt so good, so sweet, tilting her head and craning her neck so that he could drop kisses against the underside of her jaw, her breath dancing against his cheek, her skin soft and dense beneath his lips, so unlike his own. He breathed into her ear for a long second. "You want this, Scully?" he whispered. "Yes." She said. He needed to hear that. He captured her earlobe in his mouth and nursed it gently, a moan escaping Scully's throat when he pulled it taut with his lips and then released it. He kissed along the edge of her ear like he'd done with her jaw, nipping lightly at the sensitive skin, then running his tongue along the curve of her ear and darting it in and out of the opening. "God, Mulder." she said. "What?" he said, smiling. The fact that her voice was hoarse both amused and aroused him. "If you don't stop that I'm gonna' come before you kiss me." He laughed and rested his forehead against hers, looking into her eyes. "Scully," he said, "what makes you think I plan to kiss you?" She bit her lower lip and ran her hands up over his chest and pushed his suit jacket over his shoulders, not breaking eye contact with him. He shrugged it off and let it drop to the floor. "Just a hunch," she said, stepping back from him fractionally, loosening his tie and puling it free from the collar, unbuttoning the top two buttons of his shirt then standing on her tip toes to bring her lips to rest against his neck, inhaling deeply before tasting the thin skin there. When Scully's hands went to the back of his neck and caressed him there while she kissed the hollow below his neck where his collarbones met, Mulder realized just how thoroughly hard he was. He was relieved Scully and he were no longer joined at the waist, that she'd given him a little breathing room, so to speak. "Can we sit down?" he asked, his voice an octave higher than usual, "on the couch, maybe?" "What's the matter, Mulder?" Scully said, letting her eyes travel down the length of his body before making eye contact with him again. "Shy?" She brought her body closer to his, and he gasped as she swayed her stomach against his erection. "Christ, Scully," he said, taking her face roughly between his hands as he pressed against her shamelessly. "I knew making love to you was going to be sweet. I just never guessed you were so goddamn hot." It was true and he was glad he told her so. That was Scully, always drawing on reserves he had no idea she possessed. She smiled. "I'll take that as a compliment," she said. "Good," he said, nodding and swallowing. "it is one." He kissed her. Simply at first, each kiss feathery and brief, self-contained. Her fingers were traveling up and down his back, then her hands came to rest at the base of his spine. Soon their kisses grew slower and deeper until her full lips caressing his languidly and she took his bottom lip between hers and pulled like he'd done with her earlobe. Finally her mouth opened under his, and he slipped his tongue in and slowly moved it side to side, letting his tongue mingle with Scully's and explore the smooth, slick terrain of her mouth. Without even realizing he was doing so, not breaking from their kissing, Mulder had reached down and was pulling her body toward him as he pressed his hips rhythmically against her belly, so warm and soft. Not seeming to mind at all, she was pressing into him too, grinding against his thigh. Slowly but surely, they began to make their way around the coffee table in short steps, kissing, her backing him up while undoing his shirt buttons, running her hands over his chest. "Couch," Scully mumbled, her mouth barely breaking from his to let the words out, "leverage." "You're always thinking about Physics, aren't you Scully?" Mulder said. With this they broke away from each other. Mulder doubled over to laugh and to catch his breath, his hands on his knees like after a particularly taxing run, his sides aching. Scully had collapsed backward onto the couch, laughing also. "You know," Mulder said, lifting his head up to look at her, still doubled over. "We got all night, Scully. All week or all year, if we need it. We don't have to rush this." "God, you're right," she said. "What's come over us?" He straightened up, still chuckling, and went into the kitchen and got himself a glass of water. When he had settled in a few feet to the left of Scully on the couch, he had downed half of it. He handed it to her and she took a long sip before handing it back to him. "This doesn't feel real to me," she said, tucking her hair behind her ears. The same thought had occurred to him as he filled the glass with water. This was actually happening. This was Scully. "Yeah," he said, leaning back on the couch. "I know what you mean. Her lips were wet and swollen, and he had to put down the urge to lunge across the couch at her. "Why tonight, do you think?" she said. "You asked me to come over, he said, taking her hand. "Like that." "Funny thing about that, Mulder," she said. "When you told me you didn't know what to do next and I opened my mouth, I swear it was to say 'go home, get some rest.' I was as surprised as you by what came out." He shrugged. "Tonight is as good a night as any night, I guess," he said, sliding across the couch and putting his arms around her. "Of course, if I'd have known you were such a panty thing, I'd have made my move years ago." She opened her mouth to reply, so he leaned down and silenced her with a kiss. She acquiesced, letting her hands move drift across Mulder's chest, until she seized a plug of his chest hair between her fingers and twisted it, hard. "Owwwww-uncle," Mulder said, turning away from her. They both laughed until their laughter tapered off. They looked at each other for a long time, hands caressing each other's necks and faces, until Scully's eyes finally filled with tears. "What is it?" he asked, hugging her tightly to him, kissing her hair. "I don't know," she said into his chest. "I'm just happy. And sorry. And I miss you." "Hey, I'm here," he said, rocking her, running his hands up and down her back. "It's okay," he said. "You don't have to say anything, Scully." She curled into his chest and he leaned back, put his feet on the coffee table, one hand behind his neck one arm around Scully, and they sat like that for a while, quiet, Scully's tears drying on his chest. He was so relaxed, sitting there. It had been so long since he'd slept well. He kicked his shoes off and stretched his legs out under the coffee table. The next thing he knew Scully was kissing his chest. She had undone the last two buttons that held his shirt on and spread it, exposing his abdomen. She was moving her lips over his ribs and he yawned. Then she was kissing and biting him lightly. It felt pleasant, but he was groggy. Finally she took one of his nipples in her mouth and ran her tongue over it as it grew taut. This got his full attention. As he scooted back on the couch she threw her leg over his and she was straddling him across the thighs, her legs pinning him to the couch, her weight resting his knees. "Hi," he said. "One minute I'm hot, the next you're asleep?" she said. "So that's how it's going to be with you, Mulder?" "Asleep?" "For an hour." "Really?" "Yeah. I got up, did some chores, flossed, called my boyfriend." Mulder noticed that his suit coat and tie were hung over a kitchen chair. The glass he'd put on the coffee table was gone. "Did I say sorry about that boyfriend crack?' he asked. "You putz," she said, leaning in and kissing him. "Like I have time for a boyfriend with you calling me every two minutes." "Sorry. I haven't slept well lately." That's OK. You were actually kind of cute, drooling like that. I barely had the heart to wake you." "Glad you did," he said. Running his hands up under her shirt in the back, unhooking her bra deftly. "Mulder." she said, surprised. "Fair's fair," he said, motioning to his bare chest. "OK then," she said, and she pushed his shirt over his shoulders, letting it drop behind him. "OK then," he said, and he began to unbutton her pajama top, catching her eye in case she wanted to stop him. She seemed tentative suddenly, her eyes downcast, but she reached out and caressed his face as his hands worked on her buttons, then she moved her hands over his bare shoulders and down his arms till they were holding his wrists lightly by the time he had the last button undone. As her shirt flapped open, she let go of Mulder's hands and slipped out of it. This left her bra, which was in place, though unhooked in the back. It was a plain white underwire bra, silky with a little bit of lace near the top; just what he'd always imagined she wore beneath her suits. Her chest had constellations of freckles like her nose and cheeks in the summer, he noted with satisfaction. Mulder caught Scully's eye again and held it as he traced her collarbones outward with his fingertips. He carried the straps aside and down her arms. The bra fell away. Her breasts stole his breath from him. They were full and round and topped by pale pink nipples. He just took them in, not moving to touch them for a minute, hardly believing he could be that lucky. "You're perfect," Mulder said, looking up at her for a second before returning he gaze to her breasts in front of him. "I hope you know that." Scully smiled shyly and toyed with the hair on the back of his neck. He reached his hands around to her back and cupped her shoulder blades with his palms and brought her to him as he leaned forward and kissed Scully's breastbone. He buried his face lower, between her breasts and shook his head no, feeling her soft skin caress each of his cheeks in turn. He ran his lips around Scully's right breast, never breaking contact, circling the nipple slowly. He pressed more firmly on her shoulder blades as he took her nipple in his mouth and she inhaled sharply when he flicked his tongue over it, felt it harden like a kernel between his teeth. Then he sucked the nipple in and out of his mouth wetly, keeping his tongue soft. "Oh that's so sweet, Mulder," Scully breathed, somewhere above his head. He stayed on task, only peripherally aware of her response because he was so entranced with her body before him, the body that hand been before him for years that he hand never seen. He slid his right hand around and cupped her left breast, so soft, kneading the flesh before teasing the nipple with his thumb. Then he switched, tending to her right breast with his left hand while he administered to her left with his mouth. Scully began rock her hips slightly against his knees. "Mulder," Scully said, "you're driving me crazy." "Hmmm?" he said, looking up at her face for the first time in what felt like hours. "Watch me," she said, pushing back from him. He obeyed, and sitting back against the couch letting his hands fall to his sides. She arched her back and drew up above him, still straddling his thighs. She moved her hands over her breasts, pinched her own nipples. He began to understand. "Do you touch yourself like that when you think of me, Scully?" "Yes," she said, her eyes flashing at him. His cock jumped like a fish. He rested his hand on it and pressed himself through his pants. "Then what do you do?" He asked. "Show me." She ran her hand down her stomach and it disappeared beneath the elastic waistband of her pajama pants. And she fell forward, toward him, but caught and braced herself against the back of the couch with her other arm. She was close he could smell her sex, but he didn't move toward her. He could see the motion between her legs as the tendons in her forearm contracted rhythmically. Her breath was coming hot and fast, and she was looking away from him. He reached out and edged her pants down just far enough so that he could better see her hand working under her damp panties out of which her pubic hair curled, reaching into her cleft, pleasuring herself. "Look at me," he said when he couldn't watch her any longer without taking action of his own. She did. He unbuttoned and unzipped his pants, holding her eyes as he did so. He worked his pants and his boxers far enough down his hips far enough that he could easily draw out his erection, and held his cock loosely in his right fist. When he squeezed his fingers around it, Scully looked down and gasped. "Do you know what I do when I think of you Scully?" He asked. She shook her head. He bean to work his hand over his cock, sliding it up and down the length slowly, running his thumb over the tip, watching Scully's face as she watched him, her eyes huge, her mouth a tight O, her hand moving more rapidly in her pants. She was fucking herself with her fingers now, he could tell by the way her breasts jiggled with each thrust, her ragged breaths reaching his face. He reached out with his left hand and pulled her hand out of her pants and guided her two glistening fingers into his mouth. She tasted so sweet, like corn grown by the ocean, a smell he'd always sensed faintly around her now that he could identify. She fucked his mouth with her fingers like she somehow knew he wanted her to, pulling them out as fast as he could suck them in as he worked his cock with his hand. He reached his hand into her panties from the side and swiped some of her juice, of which he knew there was plenty to go around, and smeared it on the head of his cock so that his hand moved more easily over his shaft. "Hey," she said, falling forward, laughing. His hand fell away from his lap, but Scully's bare breasts at last against his chest and her silky pants brushing against his erection more than made up for the sensation. "You always have to outdo me, Mulder?" She asked. He smiled, wearily. Then she was kissing him, using her leverage, holding his head between her hands. She tongued him deeply, tasting herself in his mouth, he guessed. His hands cupped her ass, guided her gently as she raised and lowered herself against his hard penis, teasing him, hovering above him. He could almost feel her wet folds and her taut clit through the thin layers of fabric that kept them apart. "Time to lose the pants?" He asked, only when he couldn't stand it any longer. He thought he might go off like a geyser between them, and that would be embarrassing. He wanted badly to be inside her. "Meet me in my bed in five minutes?" she said. "Deal." They separated and took different routes to the bedroom, her going via the kitchen and starting the dishwasher, making sure the place was locked. Like it was any other night, which in a way it was. Mulder hung his shirt by his jacket and tie and used the bathroom, having to stand over the toilet for several minutes before he was able to empty his bladder. He left the light on and the door ajar so he could see Scully as he made love to her. The thought alone made his stomach flip. He met Scully next to her bed and they both stepped out of their pants matter of factly threw them over a chair in a way that he liked. He enfolded her in a hug like their first one of the evening, only this time he enjoyed the feel of her naked against him, her pubic hair brushing against his thigh, her breasts impossibly soft against his abdomen, her breath ruffling the hair on his chest. "You feel good," she said. "I don't know what I'm looking forward to more, Mulder, making love with you, or curling up next to you and going to sleep." It was really late, and she hadn't even had a nap. He smiled, kissed her hair, held her more tightly. "You don't have to choose. We can even do the second one first." He felt her smile tiredly against his chest. They crawled into the bed, and once under the covers he gathered her into his arms. They were silent for several minutes, kissing occasionally, exploring each other's bodies unambituously. His fingers found and lingered over the tattoo on the small of her back. Ah-ha, there it was. He could tell it was circular, but didn't know what form it took. He wanted to ask her, but didn't want to risk the moment, so he decided he'd sneak a peek at it in the morning light and bring it up with her another time. He'd come to love the thought of her tattoo; just knowing it was there always reminded him not to take her for granted. And the thought of her stretched out on the table getting inked was more than a little bit erotic to Mulder. Meanwhile, Scully's hands found his smooth scar tissue where he'd taken a bullet in the thigh, where she shot him herself in the shoulder. They laughed a little as her fingers played over that one, then they went back to kissing quietly. "Scully?" he said, running his hand from her thigh to her waist and back again. "Hmm?" "Isn't it amazing the way we wear our lives on our bodies?" "I'm not sure I know what you mean." "I mean, you're beautiful. Not because you look like some model, but because you're Scully. Because you're you. That's all." "Mulder. Stop. I'll cry again." "Please let me say this..." he said. "What is it?" she said, looking into his face, her brow knit with concern. He stared at her and opened his mouth several times to talk, but nothing came out. "It's okay," she said. "It's what you do, Mulder, not what you say." He nodded, letting it go for the moment. Still he felt pressure below his throat, gathering in his chest, that he desperately wanted to relieve. He settled for leaning on his elbow over her body which lay flat against the bed, letting his right hand play down her torso from her neck to her knees and back again, very lightly. Though her eyes were closed, he could tell she was alert to his every touch. He ran his fingertips over her stomach and thighs and hips and breasts, exploring the angles and planes of her body, tracing lines lightly over her gooseflesh. He trailed his hand down and back up her length, rubbing his palm over her thighs, but he avoided the thatch of her pubic hair for several torturous minutes. Scully's eyes were still closed, but she was breathing more rapidly than she had been a minute before and had let her legs fall open slightly. He was smirking; he'd always loved teasing her. Their heady arousal fogged the room. When he finally drew his fingers lightly through her pubic hair, she moaned and spread her legs further apart. He didn't relent. He wanted her to talk to him. "Do you want me to touch you, Scully?" he whispered into her ear, letting his hand come to rest on her stomach. "Yes," she said in a gravely voice. "Where?" "She let out an exasperated breath, but didn't open her eyes. "You know where." "Tell me." "Please," she said. "Where?" he whispered. "Touch my clit, Mulder." she said. "Please. Now." He didn't make her wait any longer. He dragged two fingers inside of slick folds. She gasped and spread her legs wide as his fingers found her there where she was hot and waiting for him, where she had been waiting so long for him. His touch was tentative at first as he circled her clit gingerly, but he gained confidence as she bucked her hips into his hand and moaned. Soon he was rubbing her thoroughly, sliding his fingers through her wetness over her clit in a regular rhythm that seemed to please her. He leaned down and took her breasts in his mouth the way she liked as he continued to massage her with his hand. When she was breathless, he tucked two fingers inside her. "Oh Mulder," she said, her eyes flying open. She began to squirm under him, her whole body tense. The way she almost whimpered his name played painfully against the taut strings inside him. He kept firm pressure on her clit with his thumb while he fucked her with his fingers, moving them swiftly and smoothly in and out of her opening. She held his head between her hands, gazed into his face. God, she was so tight and wet he wanted to sink his cock into her right then, but he was loving the way she was responding to his hand. He had found the way she liked to be touched, he didn't plan to stop until she came. Scully grew shy as she grew close to orgasm, though, throwing her head to the side, biting her lip. "Look at me, Scully" Mulder said, lowering his face inches from hers so that he could breathe in her hot exhales. "Let me see you come." And she did, her eyes wild and bright on his, softening by degrees as she rocked and came in warm wet circles against his hand, until her eyes were smoky and heavy lidded and she buried her face in his shoulder, spent. He was rubbing and kissing her hair. "That was gorgeous, Scully. Can we do that again?" She pinched him and laughed once, still breathing heavily. He couldn't stop smiling. He had completely forgotten about his own pleasure, she was so expressive and sensual. He wrapped her in a tight hug and they rocked each other for long, slow minutes. "Fuck me, Mulder" she said into his ear as soon as she had regained her breath. "Please." She reached down and pulled his hips closer to her own. He rolled on top of her. She felt so warm and soft and good beneath him that she nearly overloaded his senses. He kissed her deeply and quickly grew hard against her. He wanted to fuck her. At that moment, it seemed like all he had ever really wanted to do. "You sure?" he said. In response, she spread her legs and reached down and took him in her hand. She rubbed the head of his penis against her parted labia before tucking him into her easily, as relaxed and wet as she was. He gritted his teeth and groaned, closed his eyes as she wrapped her legs around his waist so that he sank into her completely, more nerves endings firing at once than he could process. As he began to move he got dizzy, so he slowed his thrusts, seeking an easy rhythm he would be able to maintain. When he opened his eyes again and saw Scully beneath him, her heart shaped face, her eyelashes closed against her cheek and shining like wheat, her perfect mouth, something deep inside him to give way. This was Scully? It didn't seem possible, but at the same time it felt inevitable, that he would eventually end one of his nights like this, leaning into her, his weight on his forearms, his face next to hers, the two of them breathing the same air. Like a compress bandage that had been binding his chest was unwinding, Mulder began to feel like he could finally breathe as he moved inside her, for the first time in a long time. He went slowly, pulling his cock almost all the way out of her before thrusting it in again deliberately, tenderly. "You're so pretty" he whispered, tucking her hair behind her ears with his fingertips, kissing her cheeks, her nose. He doubted she'd heard it often enough. She smiled at him, almost sadly he thought. His chest was loosening up, the pain giving way to a warm, liquid feeling. He went slowly, but wished he could preserve this moment or at least stretch it like taffy. In its intensity, it blotted out the pain and violence and wasted time that had come before, and put off the danger and confusion that were sure to follow. They began to move more urgently against each other, their hips audibly colliding, their fucking faster and less constrained, gathering its own momentum. She pulled his head down and cried out when he nipped and sucked at her neck. He didn't know how much longer he could hold on. He felt things welling up inside him he couldn't tamp down. "I love you baby," he muttered into her hair. "You know that?" It was more than a confession; it was an incantation, a charm, a prayer. "Yes," she said, holding his face between her hands, making him look at her. She rubbed away the tears he hadn't even realized were leaking from the corners of his eyes with her thumbs. "I know." "I need you to know that," he said and fucked her harder, taking the cross from her necklace in his mouth. Cold and metallic, it tumbled across his tongue, and he held it in his mouth before he let it drop, warmed, back onto her chest. It was the only truth that mattered just then, Scully so open beneath him, her white chest birdlike, heaving. The truth was between them in the blood-tinged darkness and in the tunnel that seemed to go on forever inside of her. And being inside her, saying those words to her, felt so correct that he was awash in relief. He had accomplished at least one of the things he was brought to earth to do in his lifetime: to love Scully. It was like a math problem that had been stumping him for years had suddenly come clear, the gleaming answer seeming so simple, having been there all the time. "I know everything, Mulder," she whispered. "It's okay. I want you to come inside me. Just let it go." He looked at her-- Really?-- and she answered affirmatively without saying anything. He stroked into her until he couldn't hold onto it any longer, and he came, clutching her as he gasped her name, leaning into her, feeding her. ************************************************************************** That's it. E-mail me with comments at dar1480@aol.com. An epilogue may soon follow. Darwin .